As part of our Sexual Health Week series, we are interviewing a number of people who are involved in the adult industry. Today we are chatting to Jasmine from Jet Setting Jasmine LLC. She is a life and work partner to King Noir, due to a very busy work schedule we couldn’t reach King Noir so Jasmine kindly decided to represent both of them.
1. Introduce yourself to those people who don’t know you.
Jasmine is a proud owner of Jet Setting Jasmine LLC, Royal Fetish Films and Body Altitudes Health and Fitness: Home of Steel and Stilettos Fitness™. She is a Licensed Clinical Therapist with a Bachelors of Art in Sociology, Masters of Clinical Social Work and Aging Studies. Her background in Integrated Human Studies has allowed an extensive professional career working with adult clients from a Solutions-Focused/ Exposure Therapy model. Steel and Stilettos Fitness™ , is a lower body workout and empowerment format to the world, the workout that lasts long after it is over. Jasmine’s unconventional approach to intimacy issues has allowed a clients to explore and address deeply rooted intimacy barriers.
King Noire, owner of Jet Setting Jasmine LLC, Royal Fetish Films and Body Altitudes Health and Fitness: Home of Steel and Stilettos Fitness™. There are many adult entertainers but only one who is as driven and passionate about pleasure as King. He began his career as a nude model for magazines and adult websites. King’s clients did not take long to introduce him to the BDSM community. The attractions to his dominate nature lead to request in their serving as his submissives and cuckolds. He enjoyed and learned a great deal during the years of live shows and fetish training. King is also an international recording artist & human rights activist (Hasan Salaam).
Jasmine and King are a two-time recipient of the FetCon 2016 Best Full Feature Length Film: Orally Yours & Collared in the Shadows.
2. How did you both meet?
We met on Jasmine’s radio show at the time, The Emotion Picture. She was doing an interview on behind the scenes of porn and King was a guest. After the show, we exchanged communication about the type of work we were doing and saw a good opportunity to work together. That was 6 years ago and we’ve been at it since!
3. What is it like to be in a relationship while doing porn with other people/your clients?
It’s like every other relationship –communication and honesty solve most anything! We discuss our shoots with one another to make sure it’s a good fit for our brand and our relationship.
4. How long have you been in porn?
King has been in the adult industry since he was 18. I’ve been in the industry for 2 years but in adult entertainment off/on since 1998.
5. Do you have any rules in your relationship to keep you both happy?
Don’t bring in any mess, keep us safe and communicate—even when it hurts to do so.
6. Do you have a preparation routine before a shoot?
Testing Testing Testing! That is always first. Then grooming, we have to make sure everything is waxed/shaved and in the right places!
7. National Health Week has said ‘Porn is made to look good not to feel good’, what’s your thought about it?
There is some truth in that. When we shoot with other companies it is usually about what looks good for the camera. However with Royal Fetish Films we focus on the exact opposite, we want our scenes that feel good and in turn, people that are watching will feel the passion, chemistry and in turn –feel good also.
8. What was the best porn shoot you’ve been part of?
The best shoot for me has been Orally Yours. I really enjoyed King and all of the movement through space. We just enjoyed having sex and the woman that shot it captured the things I love about watching sex –the reactions, the whole body moving and then the close ups.
9. Are there any differences between black and white porn?
There is a difference in how it is portrayed and what roles are available to black vs. white actors/actresses. When the scenes are not scripted or marketed for passion, romance or relatability to the people watching them –that makes a huge difference. Black people experience love and a range of sexual fantasies and activities; these should be better represented.
10. What’s been a low point while on your journey to porn?
The low point has been realizing the level of racism in porn as well as some unsafe work practices of companies, talent agencies, and producers.
11. How do you manage parent life and professional life
We parent and manage as one would with any other profession. We do not schedule work that will interfere with important family events. We have great support from our friends and family when we travel. The kids are very much aware of the work we do and how to manage any negative attention.
12. What are your goals after your porn career?
We are living our goals concurrent to our porn career. We direct, film and edit too so there is so much we can continue to do in porn outside of acting. Both King and I have professional careers. He is an international recording artist, music & history lecturer and human rights activist. I am a clinical therapist and have dedicated my professional career to education and training of health care providers on intimacy and illness/injury and caregiving. We own and operate a health and fitness studio in Palm Harbor, Florida. So if there is an after porn career, we may just continue to expand our other areas of interest or new ones!
13. How different is Porn Sex from Real Sex?
For me—I usually don’t put on makeup or have lots of complimentary lights on for real sex! I also usually know the person I am sleeping with for more than an hour in the green room –usually! Lol, but when I am shooting for my own company –it is real sex and very exciting because of the exhibitionism that is involved. We are kinksters so having someone watch or tape us is pretty much real sex for us on a good day!
Despite the fact that we tend to teach young people that sex is about reproduction the main reason humans actually have sex is for pleasure. For most people sex for reproduction purposes will be something they do on a number of limited occasions throughout their life and for some people it will be something they never ever do. Clearly the key to worry free pleasurable sex is reducing the risks such as contracting sexually transmitted infections and/or pregnancy.
Your contraception needs will change throughout your life, someone in their late teens or twenties will probably have different needs to someone in their 30’s or 40’s. The type of relationship(s) that someone is in and where they are in terms of having children will be just two of the big factors that will affect the type of contraception that they might choose.
So let’s talk about some of the different types of contraception
Both caps and diaphragms are inserted into the vagina, along with spermicide, prior to sex. They work by covering the cervix and creating a barrier so that sperm can’t get into the womb. When used correctly they are 92 – 96% effective. The upside of a cap or diaphragm is that they only need to be inserted when you want to have sex and there are no serious health risks or side affects associated with them but clearly one of the major downsides is that they are not conducive to spontaneous sex. They can also take a bit of time to learn how to insert them and they don’t give any protection against contracting STI’s.
Male condoms are worn over the penis and create a barrier preventing the sperm from reaching the womb. When used correctly they are 98% effective and they are the ONLY form of contraception that also protects against STI’s.
Female condoms work in the same way as male condoms in that they create a barrier preventing sperm from reaching the womb but instead of being worn over the penis it is inserted inside the vagina. When used correctly they are 95% effective and can help prevent the transmission of many STI’s including HIV.
There are two types of contraceptive pill, the Combined Pill and the Progestogen only Pill. They work in slightly different ways but both use hormones to disrupt the female reproduction cycle in some way. If taken regularly they are both 99% effective in preventing pregnancy. The pill is a very convenient method of contraception but there are some medical reasons why some women just can’t use it and there are also some side effects to both types that should be considered.
The implant is a small flexible tube that is inserted by a doctor or nurse underneath the skin in the upper arm and releases a small amount of progestogen which inhibits the body from releasing an egg from the ovary(s). Unlike the pill it is not reliant on the person remembering to take it and so once inserted has a 99% effective rate. It lasts for 3 years but like all hormone based methods it plus and minus’ that need to be considered.
In the UK there are different types of contraceptive injection available and depending on which one you have they last somewhere between 8 and 13 weeks. Like many of the other hormone methods they use progestogen and are 99% effective. However they also share many of the side effects of those methods too and you have to go back every 8 – 13 weeks to have another shot.
The patch is a bit like a nicotine patch that sticks to you and releases the hormones directly into your body through your skin. Each patch lasts for a week, you then replace it with another one for 3 weeks in a row and then you take one week off. The patch is very easy to use but does rely on you remembering when to change it. It is 99% effective when used correctly.
The Vaginal ring is a small, soft, plastic ring that you insert into your vagina and leave there for 21 days. You then remove it and throw it in the bin. 7 days later you insert a new ring. It works by releasing small doses of a combined hormone mix and if used correctly is 99% effective.
The intrauterine system is a small plastic device that is inserted into your uterus by a medical professional. It releases a small dose of hormone directly into your womb and is 99% effective. It stays in place for 3 to 5 years depending on which one you have. It is an increasingly popular form of long term contraception for women.
Like the IUS the Intrauterine device is a small plastic and copper device that is inserted into your uterus by a medical professional. Unlike the IUS it does not release hormones but a small dose of copper which changes the make-up of the fluid which inhibits the survival of the sperm and also stops the egg from implanting. There are various different types of IUD available and depending on which one you pick they last between 5 and 10 years.
Natural Family Planning
This is also known as fertility awareness and involves monitoring various factors to determine when your most fertile time of the month is so that you can avoid sexual intercourse during that period. If done correctly it can be 99% effective but due to the imprecise nature of it and the chances for human error the effect rate is probably more like 75%. Clearly, the up side is there are no side effects to this system but the down side is that it is quite labour intensive and can 3 – 6 months to begin to develop a pattern that you rely on.
This involves a surgical procedure that seals or blocks the fallopian tubes therefore preventing eggs from reaching the womb and being fertilised. It is 99% effective and you will never need to worry about contraception again however it does involved having surgery that always comes with a risk and it should also be viewed as permanent and so you need to be absolutely sure that it is the right decision for you.
Male Sterilisation involves a small procedure that is done under a local anaesthetic where the tube that carries sperm from the testicles to the penis is cut, blocked or sealed. The whole thing takes about 15 minutes and is 99% effective. It is a much easier and less invasive procedure than female sterilisation. For someone who has finished having their family or does not ever want one, it is an ideal long term solution.
How do I pick?
Clearly, that is the key question and the answer is that you should really go and get advice from a professional. What you decide to use will very much depend not just on your current need for contraception but also your age, health, family history and where you are in regards to having or not children. All of the options come with advantages and disadvantages which need to be considered and not all the options will suit everyone so getting good professional advice is the key to helping you decide what it best for you.
If you are in the UK then your nearest GP should be able to help you. When you make an appointment tell them what it is for as they often have dedicated clinics or specific doctors that deal with contraception. There is also a comprehensive guide to all these types of contraception on the NHS website.
However, there are also other organisations you can turn to for help and advice such as
and in the USA
Sex with a partner can be a great thing, in fact it should be a pleasurable experience but it is hard to really enjoy it if you are worried about becoming pregnant or catching a sexually transmitted infection. There are lots of different types of options to pick from when it comes to contraception but only one of them is both a contraceptive and a protection against catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and that is condoms. Most STI’s are transmitted from person to person through unprotected sex or genital contact. Therefore only a barrier method of contraception can significantly reduce your risk of contracting something.
What is Safe Sex?
Safe sex is all about taking precautions and making sensible decisions to help reduce the risk to both you and your partner(s) of getting at STI. Most people assume that safe sex means just wearing a condom but actually good safe sex practises extend beyond just condom use.
Condom and dental dams
Clearly the key to safe sex is to take actual physical precautions when having sex with another person. Wearing condoms is a must for both vaginal and anal sex. Both male and female condoms provide protection and so it is up to you which one you want to use. However most people prefer male condoms for anal sex but make sure you use plenty of water based lube. This not only makes anal sex more comfortable but it also reduces the risk of the condom tearing and exposing you to potential infection risk.
However condoms alone are not enough. Many STI’s can be transmitted through oral sex and that is where dental dams come in. They are thin square pieces of latex that can be placed over the genitals, such as the vulva or anus to create a barrier between the person giving oral sex and the one receiving. Likewise when performing oral sex on a person with a penis a condom should be worn.
Getting regular STI tests is a vital part of safe sex. Taking precautions is obviously a key step but getting tested really helps to reduce the spread of infections. Many sexually transmitted infections have little or no symptoms and it is very easy to have contracted an infection and have no idea about it. Regular testing means that you are keeping a check on the situation and if you have contracted something then you can get the right treatment for both you and your(s) to stay healthy.
Low risk sexual activity
Another way to reduce your risk of contracting an STI is to engage in low risk sexual activities only.
Low risk sexual activities include kissing, touching your partner’s genitals with your hands, using sex toys with a partner, dry humping (grinding) without clothes, and oral sex. But it is vital to remember that certain sexually transmitted infections can be contracted from oral sex and so using condoms and dental dams to avoid contact with skin and fluids whenever possible.
There are a few totally risk-free ways to get share sexual pleasure with a partner(s) such as mutual masturbation (when you watch each other masturbating, and dry humping (grinding) with your clothes on. Of course not engaging in any sexual activity at all with another person will also work but for most humans this is just not a happy, healthy option and so learning about good safe sex practises is the best option so that you can have an enjoyable sex life.
Talk to your partner
One of the key areas of safe sex is being able to talk to your partner(s) about the subject. Clearly this is not always easy and really depends on the type or longevity of a relationship. If it is a one night stand then the likelihood is you are not going to have a particularly in-depth talk about it, but that is the time that you should take all the physical precautions that you can and that does not mean you shouldn’t mention it at all. Far from it, stating clearly your safe sex practices and making sure a partner understand what that means for them before you both start taking your clothes off is really important.
If a relationship develops beyond that then there is more opportunity to discuss safe sex. It is a subject that many people find difficult to bring up but being able to have open and honest conversations about it with your partners is a vital step in being able to make sensible plans together for to keep everyone as healthy as possible.
Some tips for talking to your partner.
- Sit down and write a list of the things you want to discuss with them and have it close to hand during the discussion that way you won’t forget anything and you don’t have to memorise it all beforehand.
- Be open and honest. Tell them you want to discuss it because you like spending time with them and want to be able to share your thoughts with them on this subject.
- If you find it really difficult to do maybe try bringing up the subject in an email or text and hopefully that will be a stepping stone to an in person conversation.
- As well as being heard it is important to also listen. Try to create an environment where you both feel comfortable, confident and relaxed about sharing.
Ideally you want to work towards being tested together and sharing your results. If you are in an open relationship where one or both of you has other partners then you should be setting up a schedule to have this done regularly but if you are in a closed relationship then testing might be something you do less often.
What is fluid bound?
When a couple (it is usually couple but there is nothing to stop it being a three people or even more) decide to be in a closed relationship together. In other words they commit to only having sexual relationships with each other and no one else, if they all go and get tested at that point and the results are negative then they can decide to stop using barrier methods and they can be referred to as being fluid bound. As long as no one strays outside that bond and has sexual contact with anyone else then all the people within that bonded group can have risk free unprotected sex.
If you have had unprotected sex, or been exposed to someone who has an STI then you seek medical help. There are lots of Sexual Health Clinics you can attend in the UK or even just go to your GP and discuss it with them.
In the USA depending if you have insurance you might be able to go to your GP but if you don’t have any insurance or not sure if your insurance covers it then your best bet is to go to your nearest Planned Parenthood center.
Getting advice is very important but if you think you might have an STI getting tested and finding out for sure is the key to your future health. If you want to know more about different types of infections, how they can be spread and the possible symptoms associated with them then check out this comprehensive guide. Many STI’s can be treated easily with medication and the earlier you catch them and the easier they are to treat and even those that can’t be cured can be well managed with medication but again, early diagnosis is vital, so be smart, use protection, get tested and encourage all your partners to do the same thing.
Strapon sex and pegging doesn’t have to the same old bend over boyfriend. Because of where the prostate sits in relation to the anus, different positions can give him a whole new experience. Likewise, incorporating sex toys into your strapon sex can be just whats needed to spice things up.
Also for an apprehensive partner, bending over can bring up intimidating images of ‘jail house bend over and take it’ scenarios. In this case using different positions is often the key to helping your lover open up to the pleasures that anal sex can hold for him.
Also, like typical PIV sex, different positions during strap-on sex provide different sensations and opportunities to take your strap-on sex to new levels of enjoyment.
Missionary is one of the easiest positions for strap-on sex. In this position, she can sit or kneel comfortably in-between his legs and not having to worry about keeping balance. Also, it’s easy to see his anus and guide the phallus in without having to awkwardly fumble around. With him on his back, there’s full access to his penis and balls and he has full access to her breasts. With a bit of imagination, this position can be incorporated in a variety of ways. Such as, a pillow can be positioned to lift his bottom up for easier access or he can even be on the edge of the bed with her standing-between his legs.
Cowboy is a fun position that allows him to be in the driver’s seat. With the female partner laying on her back and him straddling her body, he’s in full control of the angle, depth, and pace of penetration. This is ideal for those women who are a bit nervous about taking control. It can also be adapted to reverse cowboy to give him a different sensation.
Like a missionary, he’s fully exposed for extra stimulation and with eye to eye there’s connection and ease of communication between you both.
The lap dance is another great position that allows him to be in full control of the fun. With the woman sitting in a chair, he straddles her lap either facing her or turned around backwards. In this position, she can easily reach his penis for extra stimulation.
Tailgate is a good position for those who enjoy rear entry. With him lying face down and her lying on top of him, this position allows you have skin to skin contact. She’s in complete control of the penetration and can feel extra stimulation herself by grinding her clit against the dildo’s base.
Spooning is another fun position for the skin to skin contact. However, unlike Tailgate, in this position, his penis is exposed for extra stimulation. Spooning works well for couples of different body sizes and heights. When enjoying strap on sex in this position, penetration is shallow and a longer dildo might be needed to reach the P-spot.
Doggie style is probably the most common position used for strap on sex. Perfect for ladies who are new to pegging, this position allows her to easily penetrate and maneuver. It allows her to clearly see his anus, find her center of gravity and get used to the rhythm of thrusting. Also, it’s easy for him to stimulate his penis in this position. Doggie style is also great for those who desire to explore dom/sub role-playing, his bottom is up and ready to be spanked while you play.
In any position where his manhood is exposed, a sex toy can be add. Toys such as a Fleshlight can give him a whole new experience. Not only is he able to feel stimulation both anally and on his penis, it’s a fun way to fulfill a threesome fantasy without actually bringing in another partner. The Fleshlight can be held by either partner or in-between cushions to hold it in place.
Another fun toy to use during strap on sex is a wand; preferably cordless. With a wand massager placed on the dildo, the vibrations can be felt throughout the dildo to stimulate his prostrate and her vulva at the same time. A wand massager can also be held against his perineum or the penis’ head for more intense sensations. Although wands are fun to use in this fashion, any vibrator can be used.
You can take your strap on play to a whole new level by exploring dom/sub roles. Positions such as Doggie Style gives full access to his turned up bottom for a spanking. Using paddles, floggers or even a short crop can be just what your new sub needs to be a good boy.
These by no means are the only ways to enjoy pegging, virtually any position will work well. Use your imagination and be creative. Because of where the prostate is in relation to the anus, each position will feel different for him and open up new possibilities for extra stimulation.
There’s no right or wrong way to play. No matter what position you choose, remember, have fun and explore.
This blog post was written by Lori originally for ThatPosition (not existing website).
When I first indulged in strap on sex with my partner, the intimacy and intensity of that experience were more than enough to have us hooked, but like any sexual activity, familiarity and repetition can dull that flame of lust. Not one to ever settle for less and being a firm believer that variety really is the spice of life, I set about finding new ways to add something extra to our pegging sessions and ultimately find new ways to elevate our arousal to whole new levels. Let’s take a look at some of the ways you can spice up your strap-on sex sessions.
Tips for the person wearing the strap-on:
The assumption is that if you are wearing the strap-on, you will receive very little physical stimulation when pegging your partner and in theory, this does make sense. After all, you are essentially buckling your crotch into a harness and maneuvering your body into various positions that don’t make it easy to reach your own genitals, let alone pleasure them. However, the beauty of strap-on sex is being able to penetrate your partner while at the same time having both hands free to provide further stimulation, connection, and warmth, so with a little imagination and some tweaks here and there, you can make a huge difference to your experience during a pegging session.
Let’s begin with the strap-on harness.
There are many different designs on the market and many manufacturers have given some thought to the pleasure of the wearer. You can find open crotch harnesses (jock strap harnesses, for example) that allow direct, unobstructed access to the genitals and even lingerie style harnesses like the Spare Parts Sasha, which come with pockets built in the gusset area. These pockets can hold small clitoral sex toys, like bullet vibrators. Look out for these options when purchasing your strap-on harness.
Of course, harnesses lacking the above options can still be experimented with. An example would be using the strapping material from harnesses that do cover the genitals (like the thong style, or lingerie style harness), to hold a sex toy in place. Depending on the strength and hold of the material, you could successfully use some harnesses to hold a flat based dildo, or a butt plug inside you and even hold a clitoral vibrator against your body. You might think that harnesses with an open crotch design would not allow for this kind of play but you can still create a similar effect by wearing a pair of tight fitting underwear beneath the harness itself. Experimentation is key.
Your position is also important.
There are certain positions that will make it much harder to access your genitals. An example of this would be him on top. Unless you have exceptionally long arms, you will find that his torso and thighs simply get in the way and your own legs tend to be squeezed together by his thighs anyway. Spoons position will allow you to reach down between your legs, but this position requires you to raise your leg to gain access and that can become tiring very quickly. In my experience, the most successful positions for self-pleasure is doggy style and my personal favorite; them on their back with a pillow under their butt, while I kneel between their legs. This position allows you to reach down between your own legs or alternatively, reach out to stimulate their genitals, while still maintaining eye contact.
Add something extra
Despite finding the perfect strap-on and discovering positions that allow for easier access, it can still be difficult to successfully pleasure yourself. If you are anything like me, you might find it difficult to maintain a rhythmic thrusting motion while trying to stroke yourself at the same time. This is where sex toys come in and one of the easiest and most enjoyable ways to stimulate your own genitals during strap-on sex is through the use of couple’s sex toys, like the We-Vibe 4 and the Lelo Tiani. These C-shaped vibrators are designed to provide a dual stimulation, as one section is inserted into the vagina and the other curves over your vulva, providing a direct and constant stimulation to your clitoris.
A variation of the couple’s vibrator and another sex toy I get a lot of pleasure from during strap-on play is the remote controlled love egg. (The Lelo Lyla is a classic example.) These oval shaped vibrators can be inserted into your vagina before you attach your strap-on harness and they will provide vibrations and stimulation to your g-spot as you thrust, move and even squeeze around them. Love eggs can also be used to stimulate your clitoris, in a similar way to bullet vibrators and thanks to their petite size, you will often find that they fit nicely into those pockets found on certain harnesses. If your harness does not contain pockets, simply use the strapping on your harness, or wear a pair of tight fitting underwear beneath, to hold the sex toy in position.
As you can probably imagine, being able to control your love egg (or any other sex toy) remotely is a huge advantage during strap-on sex, because once the harness is attached, it becomes a lot more difficult to make pattern changes manually. Having a small controller to click is so much easier and I am sure I don’t need to tell you just how exciting it can be to pass that remote to your partner and allow them to control your pleasure as you indulge them in theirs.
Spicing it up for the receiver:
We have proved it possible that the person wearing the harness can receive pleasure and spice up their strap-on experience, but what about the person on the receiving end? It might be said that the receiver is already enjoying themselves, but there are still a number of things you can do to add new sensations to the session for them.
Pick the right dildo
The most obvious thing to consider is the strap-on dildo. These dildos come in a wide range of sizes, shapes, and materials and choosing the right size is important for comfort and ease of use, but beyond this, you should also think about texture and the firmness of the material. Highly textured, firm materials will feel quite intense and imposing, whereas softer materials will conform to the body more, feel gentle and provide a more ‘realistic’ experience. You want to consider the psychological elements at play too. If you or your partner fantasize about being penetrated by a real penis, it would heighten the experience to purchase a dildo that looked realistic, or one designed to ejaculate. Heighten the fantasy and you will heighten the experience for you both.
Alternative options for temperature play include placing your dildo in the fridge, or into a basin of icy cold water for five minutes before use (Do not put the dildo in the freezer. Cold burns are painful) If your partner prefers a warmer experience, simply place the dildo into some hot (not boiling) water before play.
Lube is a must
Now, we all know that lubricant is a must for anal sex, but most of us will not consider how our choice in the lubricant can alter the experience. Silicone or oil based lubricants are among the best for anal sex because they do not dry up quickly and they provide a silky soft buffer that reduces friction. Silicone and water-based lubricants work best for vaginal penetration. For a completely unique sensation though, you should invest in some specialty lubricants that produce cooling, warming or tingling sensations on the skin. Always do a small patch test first, to ensure the sensation is enjoyable and then simply apply a few drops to the dildo, vagina or anus before you begin to penetrate.
Get things buzzing
If you are looking for a way to really ramp up the intensity that he or she feels against their prostate or g-spot, I recommend purchasing a vibrating dildo to use in your strap-on harness. The most common options for strap-on play include remote-controlled vibrating dongs, dildos with a hole in the base, into which you can insert a bullet vibrator and even strapless strap-ons (The latter are also great for providing internal stimulation for both partners at the same time), but if you already have a favourite strap-on dildo and want to experiment with vibration, you could always invest in a vibrating cock ring and attach that to the base of the dildo. Ensure you choose a fairly chunky cock ring, like the Lelo Bo, if you intend on using this for anal sex. You want to avoid any potential risk of losing the ring inside the anus.
Adding a spark
For the daring among you, who fancy trying something completely unique, I recommend introducing electro stimulation to your strap-on sessions. Electro stimulation uses pads, rings, and probes to provide a tingling electrical current that feels somewhat similar to vibrations and these devices can produce a whole range of sensations, from a gentle tingle to an extremely intense buzz. Some devices, like the Electrostim Flick, allow two people to create a circuit between their bodies and you can both share the stimulation from this device. Using an electro stim device in this way turns every touch into a tingling pleasure.
The best advice I can give you though is to never be afraid to experiment, laugh, love and learn together. Go into each session with an open mind and an aim to discover what pleases you and your partner, both mentally and physically. This way, your strap-on sex sessions will not only be mutually fulfilling, but orgasmic for you both.
This blog post was originally written and published by Gritty Woman.
“Does a strap on harness spark your interest? Well, you’re not alone. Strap on sales are one of the leading in the sex toy industry.
With more and more heterosexual couples becoming interested in pegging play, people are beginning to talk openly about their fantasies, struggles, and experiences.
Surfing the internet it seems, more men fantasize about pegging than there are women who are willing to strap on a dong . On the other hand, I’ve come across many women who wish their man would consider it.
Bringing a strap on into your bedroom can be an anxious moment for a couple. However, once you both begin to feel comfortable with the idea and begin to explore, it can bring a whole new dynamic to your play time.
Mindsets are often the number one thing that hinders us from exploring new pleasures. When it comes to strap on play they often include preconceptions like, if a man enjoys anal stimulation, he must be gay or bisexual. Nothing could be further from the truth. Enjoying P-spot stimulation or the feeling of anal penetration is simply because of the nerve endings that are stimulated which create pleasurable sensations. Everyone’s body has areas that bring feelings of excitement. Indulging in these pleasures, has nothing to do with sexual orientation.
Another mindset that needs to be broken is that men who enjoy anal stimulation are ‘sissy boys’. Quite the contrary, a man who’s open to this type of stimulation is confident in his masculinity and doesn’t feel threatened by this type of play. Did you know that in ‘Old England’, it was totally acceptable for men to wear makeup and wigs? In other cultures, it’s normal for men to wear skirts. It wasn’t even too long ago that men in America wore stockings. Somehow, in the modern Western World, these things are labeled as feminine and inappropriate for ‘a man’ to do.
It seems that all too often, men are thought of as the one to be dominating in the bedroom. Although this may be the norm, men don’t always want to take the leading role. Have you ever heard the term“ she was an animal in the bed”? In fact, many men fantasize about being flipped over, pinned down, and take advantage of. The idea of giving up control is very erotic. Letting go and forgetting about stereotypical roles can be a liberating experience for both genders.
When talking to others about pegging play the number one thing I hear is “How do I get my partner to open up to it ?” Whether you’re a man who is curious about the P-spot orgasm, or you’re the wife who wishes her man would give just an inch and think about it; here are a few things that just might help to pave the way.
Try dropping a few hints to your lover and gauge their reactions. Say things similar to… ‘I had this dream last night … that’s crazy; huh?’, or ‘So you want me to try anal sex? That means you’re open to receiving too?’ You could even try watching porn clips involving pegging and talk about it how it might be interesting to try or write them a love letter packed full of your erotic fantasy. Opening the door to talking freely about thoughts, fears, and more; is the perfect way to address mindsets that may be blocking your fun. Who knows, you just might find out that it’s been their fantasy all along too.
- Give them a taste of how great it might feel.
There are a few things that you can do to give your partner a hint of good anal stimulation can feel. Such as, during oral sex, slowly move down and lick the perineum area then move on to anal rimming. Take it slow and savor the moment, it’s sure to help your lover relax and enjoy the erotic sensations. You can even use a vibrator to stimulate this area. As they become comfortable with enjoying it, moving on to penetration may be easier.
- Make it more fun for her.
Sometimes I hear women say, ‘I wish it felt good for me too’. Did you know, there are things you can do to receive stimulation during pegging. Try tucking a bullet vibrator or slender clitoral vibrator behind your harness; the dong should hold it nice and tight in place. Also, you can use a strapless strap-on in the traditional way or with your harness. With the pony end, you receive erotic pleasure with each thrust. Use your imagination, experiment and try different toys to use while you peg your partner; I’m sure you’ll find one that works it’s magic just right for you.
Our journey into pegging play has been a bumpy one. Falling into the typical mindsets, I resisted Hubby’s desires for years. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after years of marriage that I finally agreed to explore with him. To my surprise, it wasn’t long before I became completely comfortable with it and began embracing my inner ‘Butch’. Feeling sexy and able to fulfill Hubby’s desires, when I wear my dong it’s natural and not like a foreign object strapped onto my body. A complete 180 degree turn from how I felt before, now I look forward to our pegging. Hubby and I never miss out on a chance to strut my dong and satisfy his kinky desires.
This blog post was originally written by Lori and published on ThatPosition.
Unfortunately, Lori doesn’t write anymore, so we can’t link it to her website.
As part of our new series of posts inspired by our recent mistakes on social media we have been reaching out writers in the adult blogging community to get them to write some content for us that shows our commitment to both our own learning but also sharing useful, relevant and informative content with you our customer. This piece about female genital and sexual anatomy was written for us by Kayla Lords. We felt this was an important subject area for us to cover in this series and we are delighted with Kayla’s work
Think back to health classes in school, you know, the days when the reproductive organs were discussed. Even if you didn’t receive anything that looked or sounded like good sex education, at some point, in health or in science, anatomy was discussed. For most people, the only thing you learned about the female anatomy was the names of reproductive organs that no one can even see.
The problem with the way most of us have been educated about anatomy and sex is that the female genitals have been largely ignored. We all know what a penis is and where the testicles are, but most people have no idea what the vulva is or that the area where urine is released is different than the area for penetrative sex. Hint: it’s two separate openings.
With that in mind, to make everyone has a better understanding of the female genital and sexual anatomy, here’s a quick lesson that we all should have received many years ago.
The mons pubis, sometimes called the Mons Veneris, is the fleshy mound below the lowest part of the stomach and above the vulva. This is the part of the genitals covered in pubic hair. The purpose of the mons pubis is to cushion the pubic bone during sex.
The vulva is what most people (incorrectly) refer to as the “vagina.” This one word encapsulates the entire outer female genital area. This includes the labia, clitoris, vaginal opening, and urethral opening. When you want to refer to yourself or your partner’s genitals, call it the vulva, not vagina.
There are two parts to the labia, sometimes called the “lips” of the vulva: the outer labia (labia majora) and the inner labia (labia minora). Every set of labia will look different from person to person. Some people have large fleshy outer labia that are clearly visible. Others have small labia and that part of the vulva looks tucked in. Labia are different colors and sizes, and they change as people age.
The clitoris proves that looks can be deceiving. From the outside, you may or may not see it at the top of the vulva. It looks like a small and unassuming button and is covered by a clitoral hood. Like the labia and every other part of female genitalia, it can be bigger or smaller from person to person. But that little tip (or button) is quite literally just the tip.
The clitoris extends into the body a few inches and looks a little bit like a wishbone. This part of the body exists solely for pleasure and is filled with thousands of nerve receptors. The only area that can be easily touched is the small tip at the top of the vulva, but for many people, that’s enough. Clitoral stimulation is one of the more common ways people with a vulva orgasm, and for many of us, it’s an intense release.
The urethral opening is located just below the clitoris and above the vaginal opening. Urine comes out of the body from this location. The Skene’s glands are located on each side of the opening. Also referred to as the female prostate glands, the Skene’s glands release female ejaculation from the body.
There are two parts to the vagina. The part you can see and where penises, sex toys, fingers, and tongues are inserted is the vaginal opening, located right below the urethral opening. The rest of the vagina is actually a long tube on the inside of the body. While objects may enter the vagina, this is also where babies and menstrual blood leave the body.
Bartholin’s glands are located at the vaginal opening. This is what lubricates the vagina during arousal making penetration easier. The vagina is stretchy and elastic to accommodate penetrative intercourse and childbirth. While many people worry that a vagina can become too “loose,” the reality is that most vaginas contract back to their usual size after sex and childbirth.
Tip: A “tight” vagina is often an un-aroused vagina so don’t necessarily feel too proud if your partner is tighter than usual. Make sure they’re into the moment and properly aroused.
The uterus, sometimes called the “womb,” isn’t just for growing fetuses, although that is it’s main job. This small, pear-shaped organ is the reason the vagina grows longer during arousal. It lifts toward the belly button in a move known as “tenting.” This is meant to aid penetration.
The cervix is located between the vagina and uterus, separating them. It stretches and dilates to allow menstrual blood out and sperm in. Think of it as the connector between the vagina and the uterus. You can actually touch it with a finger, penis, or dildo which, in some people, can cause discomfort. Pounding sex is only exciting when the person being pounded likes the feeling. In some people those hard thrusts hit their cervix and cause pain.
The G spot was discovered by Dr. Grafenberg, for whom it’s named, and is a spot located inside the vagina. Some experts believe that the spot is actually the junction between the urethra, clitoris, and vagina, which makes it super sensitive for some people. When aroused and stimulated, the G spot can produce pleasurable sensations and even orgasms in some people.
To look for it, insert a finger or two into your vagina and hook your fingers so that you touch the anterior wall (the side closest to your stomach). Now make a “come here” motion. If you feel a spot that’s ridgy or different from the surrounding area, that’s likely your g-spot. If it it feels good, keep stimulating the area.
If any of these body parts are news to you, you’re not alone. Many people with vulvas don’t necessarily understand all the parts of their own anatomy. The benefit of understanding how the vulva works isn’t just so we’re all better educated. Knowing your own body, or that of your partner’s, can help make sex and intimacy more fun and pleasurable for everyone.
As loyal Godemiche followers may know, there was a recent social media incident where Adam expressed a less-than-favourable opinion of pubic hair, and many body-positive folks understandably took this as a major offense. While Adam and Monika issued a sincere apology, they also saw the opportunity to take a mistake and turn it into a learning experience to educate both themselves and others about body positivity. It’s a word we hear regularly around these parts, but it’s not something anyone’s often looking to define; for that reason, I was thrilled to be a part of this project both as a blogger, and as a fan of Godemiche.
In preparation to write this post, I read a lot of articles on the definition of body positivity, trying to put into words exactly what it means to love yourself and in what ways this is often practiced. But you know what? None of those articles satisfied me; everyone wanted to be specific, defining body positivity as something as simple as size acceptance or fat acceptance. These are both crucial pillars of which body positivity stands upon, but I’d like to think that in this day and age, body positivity comes down to one simple thing: your body.
To worry about whether you’re too fat or too thin to be loved by society, yourself, or those around you, is a parasite that seems to live in your brain forever. But what if those aren’t your issues, or at least, not your only issues? What if you hate your patchy skin, your thick leg hair, your big teeth, or that obvious scar on your arm? What if your genitals don’t live up to how society thinks they should look, or even more, what if your genitals don’t match up with the person you are at all? Where is the body positivity for these folks?
It’s for everyone. Loving your body is for every person experiencing self-doubt around their physical experience, and this doesn’t just mean size. Our bodies have a lot going on, and society has a lot of ingrained behavior that likes to tell us what is right and wrong – but that in itself is wrong. The only person who can decide you look good, is you.
I don’t think I could find a straight definition of what body positivity is, because it is really so many things.
What body positivity is:
- To recognize that no body is perfect, and that we are all worthy of love no matter our perceived flaws
- To celebrate these flaws and learn to love them as a part of ourselves
- To accept ourselves and others just as we are, and to see the beauty in all bodies
- To not give in to society’s standards, just because you feel it’s the thing you should do
- To express yourself through your body – whether it be tattoos, body hair, or wearing whatever you want – because it makes you feel damn good
What body positivity isn’t:
Glorification of Obesity
I’ve encountered some people who seem to think that fat acceptance is celebrating an unhealthy lifestyle and encouraging others to join – like a cult. (In fairness, telling me to eat pizza is probably the quickest way to get me to join a cult) But this is an image that needs to be broken; for one reason, because it’s not true. It’s just not. But the other reason is because if you buy into this, then you’re fat-shaming those who are a part of the body-positive movement by bringing faux “concern for your health” into the picture. Many think the health platform is an acceptable way to practice fat-shaming, but it’s not; it’s simply a more self-righteous way. You don’t truly care about our health; you just don’t like how what we look like doesn’t line up with what you think is acceptable.
A Way to Guilt Others
It should go without saying that a movement involving positivity of any kind should have no association with guilt, but it needs to be said. For instance, the diet and fitness community has a way of making us doubt ourselves in the form of before/after photos. How many transformations have you seen where the author states how much he or she hated themselves, how ugly they were, and how they NEEDED to lose weight? How many times have they proclaimed “never again” or “going to the gym is the only kind of body positivity”? There is no right and wrong kind of body positivity – if it makes you feel good and it’s a step towards being content with who you are as a physical person, then it’s not wrong. Just because one person found their body-positive journey one way, doesn’t mean that’s the way for you.
A Marketing Tactic
With the mainstreaming of the body-positive movement, it unfortunately brings about companies using it as a buzzword to sell everything from jeans to diet plans, touting how becoming your “better self” is what body positivity is all about. While nurturing your body in a physical sense is, of course, an act of self-love, claiming that these capitalist ways are the path to body love is false; body positivity is in the mind.
Now that we’ve established that, let’s visit just a few of the physical aspects that body positivity can include, depending on who you are.
As a pillar of the body-positive movement, learning to accept the size of ourselves and others has been a long road. When I’m not plagued with doubt while staring myself in the mirror and grabbing at my tum, I’m hearing other people remark on how “she’s too big to be wearing that” or “maybe she should eat a sandwich”. How on earth are we supposed to feel good when we’re surrounded by a constant negative dialogue stating how we SHOULD feel?
Accepting our size is the first step towards loving ourselves; if you’re already very happy with your weight, then congrats! You’ve crossed the first and most common hurdle into body positivity! But if not, simply look around and find beauty in all those around you; I often find myself looking at a woman on the subway and thinking “Wow she’s gorgeous. And she’s bigger than I am.” These moments call attention to the fact that our size is not the defining factor in our appearance, and it is definitely not the deciding factor in our self worth.
Pretty much all humans have body hair, and yet all genders face a stigma over this natural state (some more than others). Women are shaving themselves to resemble an Olympic swimmer from head to toe, while men hear all about brozilans and why they MUST wax their back hair. There’s no way to win… except to embrace what you love.
I for one prefer to keep smooth underarms and a trimmed vulva, and I even like the routine of shaving my legs in the tub; not everyone does, and that’s alright! Your body hair is no one else’s businesses, and while others can freely express a personal preference, they have no right to take away your comfort. Shaving is hard work, and for some, shaving the pubic area can be downright painful; discuss with your partners about what makes you both comfortable, while both acknowledging that what you do have is perfectly natural. There should never be any shame in owning your bush (no matter where it is).
Many people will argue that something as simple as skin doesn’t have a place within the body-positive community, but how is that possible? It is literally the casing for our entire body. Even before size, skin is the part of us that others see first, and it’s not always ideal. Ranging from those who hate their freckles or struggle with psoriasis, to the extremes of skin disorders like vitiligo, which is the loss of skin-darkening melanin in places all over the body. These days, freckles are celebrated rather than concealed, and even models with vitiligo are making a splash, but it’s not always so easy. Seeing yourself represented in the media is always fantastic, but this rarely changes the gnawing self-doubt, and body-positivity is there to help with the self-criticism that we all know so well.
This is an issue that stems well beyond body positivity, but it deserves a place within this community. Trans or non-binary folks may feel like they were born in the wrong body, with genitals and gender-biased features that don’t match up with their gender identity. If you think it’s hard to look in the mirror and see a flaw that you don’t feel belongs, then imagine that applying to the rest of your body. It’s a tough journey, and the brave people who reject the judgment and embrace their natural beauty deserve their body positivity moments as well.
For many, it comes in the form of mantras like, “I am strong” and “my body loves me” to remind them every day that there is nothing wrong with their body just as it is. Of course for others, transitioning is the most body-positive act for their life. In fact, this is one thing that some people in the body positive community wont tell you or even admit themselves: sometimes body positivity means changing something about yourself. There’s no shame in tweaking something to better fit what you feel is inside you, whether that’s something as minor as a new tattoo, or as major as sex reassignment surgery.
There is never a wrong way to love yourself.
As the founder of Godemiche, Adam, joked and mimed motions of ‘disgust’ at the thought of female pubic hair, his partner could be heard offering a reasoned defence for the natural growth that most people experience and which some elect to keep.
Adam’s sentiment was not well-received.
Since then Godemiche have offered a very heartfelt apology and have reached out to leaders in the adult blogging community to engage in an educational process involving various articles on the topic of pubic hair.
I am very honoured to be part of this initiative.
The Problem With Pubic Hair
Sadly, the initial attitude that Adam held towards pubic hair is not an uncommon one, and neither is it seen in a negative light by many. In a recent survey by Cosmopolitan it was reported that 46% of their male respondents preferred their women to be completely bare in the pubic region. Comparatively only 6% preferred the natural look.
This is especially interesting when contrasted against the female perspective—with only 12% of women liking their men bare, 70% preferring it trimmed, and a similarly slim 10% liking the natural look.
Perhaps equally worrying is that the main reason stated for grooming one’s pubic hair was the sense that it would make them more sexually attractive.
Let’s set the record straight right away—pubic hair is not a bad thing. It protects our body from bacteria and other unwanted nasties, it provides a buffer from friction, it regulates temperature, and (as an interested tidbit) it is thought to trap pheromones and similar scents that increase our sexual attractiveness to our partner.
These traits are highly beneficial and yet the current consensus is that pubic hair is unhygienic and somehow hinders sexual attraction.
What is going on!?
If there’s nothing wrong with pubic hair physically then there’s only one answer: The problem with pubic hair isn’t the hair itself, it’s our attitude.
Shame or Shave
Unsurprisingly, the history of shaving one’s pubic hair in modern society (especially if you’re a woman) is rooted in the fashion industry.
As early as 1915 companies were encouraging women to keep parts of their body trimmed to compensate for the increasingly revealing design of clothing. By 1922 it was considered an extreme embarrassment for women to allow unshaven parts of her body to be shown.
As fashion continued to get closer and closer to the pubic hairline so, too, did the mounting pressure to make sure that not a single stray hair was exposed.
The ultimate transition to being completely bare has often been associated with pornography, where it was a trend in the 1980s.
From a filmography perspective, the origins of this weren’t intended to shame women but were still catering to a male gaze. With porn being prevalently aimed towards men, shaving a woman’s pubic hair allowed them to see more of the vulva, as penetration occurred.
The perhaps unintended outcome of this was that a gradual expectation grew that women should be shaved and that a shaved vulva was more sexually appealing.
Tie this in with the fashion industry’s desire to profit off women’s insecurity, and the link between showing more skin and less hair and, gradually, a self-regulating attitude of shame and sexual aversion grew around women’s pubic hair.
Of course, these issues affect men and trans or genderfluid individuals, but the mentality has stemmed from an attitude that prevalently criticises women’s bodies. It’s hugely unlikely that a man will be asked to shave his pubic hair in case his partner ‘chokes on a hair’, or something similar, it is much more likely that a woman will be asked this.
It is one of many ways in which the criticism of women’s bodies (followed by an expectation that she will change to cater to the person’s needs) is condoned in our society, and the fact that the presence of a woman’s natural hair is now the subject of jokes and ridicule is indicative of just how used to this internal oppression we have become.
But What Can Be Done?
As with Godemiche, the first move in countering such attitudes is to realize that they’re a problem to start with.
This isn’t always as easy as it sounds. As a species, humans have a predisposed bias towards following the group consensus, even when presented with facts that may say otherwise. This means that to strike out against a common attitude is, itself, inherently difficult.
Once you’ve recognised the possible issues when it comes to problematic or misogynistic attitudes (in any instance) the next step is research.
In the case of pubic hair we have already explored the origins of a preference to keeping trim, but what are the benefits of removing one’s pubic hair?
In this instance, the consensus is none.
The removal of pubic hair can cause abrasions, soreness, or even infections—with up to 60% guaranteed to experience such abrasions. Ingrown hairs increase with shaving and STIs become more of a risk. The process of shaving or waxing is also rather painful, and can even be traumatic for some individuals.
All-in-all expecting a person to shave their vulva is essentially like expecting them to routinely hurt themselves for your aesthetic preferences.
Is this acceptable?
I think most of us would agree that it’s not.
But what if the individual in question shaves for themselves? What if a person feels more confident with a shaven bush and has self-esteem issues that are directly associated with the visibility of their pubic hair?
In such instances, it’s important to make sure that your partner is shaving out of a sense of confidence and empowerment rather than just a fear of rejection or being deemed unattractive. Perhaps they do not know the damage that shaving can cause—at least 59% of women shave because they believe it is for their own health—but do make sure that you approach the issue in a respectful way, rather than trying to explain the factors to them as if they may not know them.
Communication is crucial in any challenging of pubic conventions and taking a self-reflective and reasoned approach to such discussions (whether with a partner, an uninformed individual, or anyone else) is vital.
If the shaven individual you speak to knows all of this and is still perfectly happy with their grooming choices them awesome. It’s their body and their choices and as long as they’re informed and acting from their own agency then anything beyond that is none of your beeswax.
Equally, if someone chooses not to shave and it goes against your preference then this is something you must learn to respect. You may discuss your preference with them but, ultimately, you should recognise it as such—a preference, and not necessarily one that has the best of cultural origins. If this is a deal-breaker then so be it, but it’s important to recognise that such a situation would not be the fault of your partner, who is not obligated to change to suit your needs.
Lastly, if you really wish to cater the negative attitude that exists against people’s pubic choices (natural, shaved, or otherwise) the most important thing is to be fiercely vocal and make sure that you challenge derogatory attitudes towards people’s grooming choices when you see them.
Godemiche have seen the benefits of such activism and now they are trying to be part of it with this educational series. It is my hope (and theirs) that you read this piece and use it to (continue to) be an ambassador for pubic hair and personal grooming choices everywhere.
Here’s to the vulva in all its many states! Let no blame or shame meet its acquaintance.
Image courtesy of Wikimedia