Everyone who is or has been a parent knows that bringing children into a relationship has a huge impact on lots of things but it can really have an impact on your sexy life. In this piece Alice Queen of Vanilla is the New Kink talks about the ways in which her and her partner Jack stayed connected through sex after having kids
Having kids is often a shock to the system for many couples. It certainly was for Jack and I. This much loved creature came out of my vagina and it was no longer just the two of us. It was crazy, but soon we went for another and, then, another one. Kids quickly become your priority in life and, as cliché as it sounds, we quite often put other things to the side, including relationships and sex. For Jack and I, sex has always been important and we both knew that we wanted to make it work. But we also intuitively knew that we proactively needed to do something about it, as magic solutions were not going to just happen overnight.
The realisation that it is OK to have a break from sex and take it slowly was a very powerful one. Giving birth, breastfeeding and looking after babies is hard on your body! My vagina did recover within a few weeks, but feeling ready for (the penetrative version of) sex took a little longer than that. During that time, it was important to feel that intimacy between us was still a thing. Little things like gazing at each other with love, holding hands, sleeping naked and kissing – slowly and consciously – were amazingly powerful.
Time becomes a (even more) precious resource when you have kids. Having free time often doesn’t happen unless you actually plan for it. It is important to proactively create opportunities to spend child free time with your partner. It also requires a certain level of discipline not to use this child free time to catch up on housework or the like. In our experience, it was important to have this child free time as time specifically allocated for sex! It may sound a bit clinical, but the anticipation of that moment is a big turn on! I remember in the early days sending an email to Jack (who was at work) saying that my mum would have our daughter for a couple of hours that afternoon. I also added that I wanted him “home early, naked and inside me”. Once we started exchanging sexy messages in anticipation of the moment, that quickly became a sexy little ritual that we did (and still do) on repeat. Other little sexy rituals, like naked selfies, followed!
Sexiness brings more sexiness and more sex!
For my 45th birthday, Jack gave me a wand massager sex toy. I was given a rabbit sex toy in my twenties by a close friend. It didn’t do much for me, so I just assumed sex toys were not my thing. I was wrong! Whilst that particular sex toy didn’t work for me, the wand Jack gave me and my clitoris hit it off! Since then, our collection of sex toys has significantly increased and we regularly use them! Discovering (or re-discovering) sex toys together was a pleasant addition to our sexual life.
Recently, our (now, primary school age) kids have started going out by themselves to the corner shop to buy an ice cream. All up, they tend to be back within half an hour, enough time to get naked and have an orgasm. We really learned to appreciate our quickies. Have I mentioned that sexiness brings more sexiness?
Do we only have sex when there are no kids at home? No, not at all! We regularly have sex with kids at home. Well, being able to have sex knowing that no one will suddenly walk into your bedroom saying they are hungry or their sibling is annoying them is surely a much more relaxing experience, but it is a luxury we don’t always have, particularly in times of lockdown. So, how do we go about it? One of the easiest options is to wait until kids are asleep, but we also have sex when they are awake. Having a quiet bed and a non-squeaky mattress makes a huge difference. When kids are awake, sex happens with some clothes on. I have a few loose dresses and nighties that are perfect for the occasion. We also tend to adopt what we call a discreet position, which normally involves Jack’s body spooning mine as he penetrates me. It all happens under the blankets. We have been ‘caught’ like this a few times, but with our tops on and the blankets covering our lower bodies, it is safe to say that our kids have no idea of what we were doing! Of course, that is something we won’t be able to do once they get older and become more aware.
As we rapidly approach 50 and our three kids rapidly grow, I am happy to say that my sexual life is better than ever and I can’t see us slowing down anytime soon! We all know that healthy ageing relies on healthy habits such as having a balanced diet and exercising. A healthy sexual life is no different, it needs healthy sexual habits!
Alice Queen is the main blogger at Vanilla is The New Kink. She is a mum to three active kids and an avid collector of indoor plants and sex toys.
