Despite the myriad of sexual fetishes and accessories that are now being discussed and explored in our tech-based age of information, most of us are still having sex with what nature has provided (and maybe a dildo or two).
Sex can be augmented, but when most of us first approach it there’s typically more of a focus on our bodies, our mutual desires, and the go-to sexual acts and positions that pretty much everyone has heard about.
So, if on one intimate evening your partner confines in you that they’d like to be penetrated from behind with a strap-on while you spank them and call them a good little sub you’d be confused for thinking ‘…Wait, what?’
When The Kink Closet Opens
The action is often referred to as ‘pegging’, at least when it comes to heterosexual partners, and is the sexual act of a woman penetrating a man with a strap on. ‘Strap-on sex’ is the more gender inclusive term, but it may not turn up as many Google searches initially.
And that might be your first reaction when being presented with a partner’s unexpected sexual fetish: ‘I have no idea what they’re talking about. Why did I ban smartphones in the bedroom? I need to Google this shit!’ etc.
If that is your first thought then great! That shows that, despite where your head might be right now, your first desire is to know more, rather than to shame your partner or have a knee-jerk negative reaction – which is, in the defence of anyone who initially reacts this way, easier said than done.
Sex is something very personal and intimate. It’s something we often gain our own personal style with – which we consider ourselves confident in – and we feel like our expression of desire is what our partner wants.
To hear that, actually, what they want is something else, something you’ve never even heard of, let alone have any experience in, isn’t just an information clash, but also a sexual revelation: your partner wants something very specific, and you have no clue how to provide it, or if you’d even want to. That’s scary and it can feel like a personal blow.
Flipping The Coin
If you’re feeling daunted at your partner’s kinky reveal then sometimes the best initial reaction is to proceed with a sense of empathy.
This is strange to you, scary, and you’ve probably got a bit of mental and sexual whiplash occurring, but what about them?
To have a kink that is not necessarily ‘mainstream’ can, itself, be a very isolating and fear-inducing situation, but to reveal it to others? That can take nerves of steel, especially if you care about that person and are worried about how they might react.
Take strap on sex as an example. Nowadays it’s becoming more visible in sex stores, and has even featured in popular movies (think Deadpool) but usually it’s still the butt of a joke (pun intended, and illustrating the point) and can be used as a point of ridicule.
Many people still associate men who like anal sex with homosexuality or a lack of masculinity. The fact that the P-Spot resides in the booty and that anal sex can allow partners to explore new power dynamics is beside the point. There’s still a lot of deep-seated prejudice against kinky loving, and that means that admitting to finding such acts a huge turn on comes with a lot of mental baggage.
And that’s the tame stuff: imagine if a partner approached you about crossdressing, pet play, an interest in being an adult baby, or a desire to explore urethral sounding. That’s a whole lot of topics that are difficult to explain, come with huge social stigmas, and, even when explained, may just be too uncomfortable for many.
Yourself potentially included.
Okay, so your partner has just confessed to you their deep dark sexual desire and you’re completely lost and overwhelmed. Now what?
Hopefully, you’re able to recognise that your initial confusion is understandable and not a negative reflection of you as an individual. You’ve also, fingers crossed, taken that initial reveal with empathy and have already started asking questions.
If not, the initial work will be to mend the emotional damage that any negative reactions may have caused.
In any instance, it’s important to thank your partner for opening up to you. Communication is so important in a relationship, and to be so sexually honest is a big relationship milestone.
Next calmly explain any emotions that you may be going through. Make sure that you use language specific to how you’re feeling and why that might be informing any difficulties you’re having. Make it clear what you want from your partner and the positive outcome that you’re hoping to achieve from having your apprehensions or questions answered.
An example of this would be as follows;
‘Thank you so much for letting me know that you’re in to puppy play. I must admit, I’ve never heard of it before and so I’m not really sure what to say. The link towards animals makes me a bit nervous, perhaps you could tell me a bit more about what’s involved? That was I can get a better idea of how I feel and what it is you like about it’
Of course, how you go about things will depend on your relationship with your partner and the ways you best communicate, but you get the gist.
The next important step is to do your research. Many people find it helpful to ask their partner a few initial questions first and then to go off and do some research on their own for a while before regrouping to discuss things further.
This isn’t to discourage looking in to things together – that’s actually recommended later down the line – but at first it’s important that you give yourself the space to get to grips with this formerly unknown kink or sexual action before feeling like someone else is dictating it to you.
Even in the kink world, we all have our personal ideas of what exactly constitutes any given fetish, so don’t be afraid to get a variety of views before then talking to your partner about how their experiences compare. This will settle both your minds and give you better footing when you do then go searching for information together, making the experience mutual rather than creating a student/teacher vibe.
Trying It Out?
If your partner has confided in you about their sexual desires then they’ve most likely done so with the hope that you’ll participate in some way or learn to love what they love.
Let us be clear here: You have no obligation to try any sexual act or kink that you’re not comfortable with, and a lack of trying does not make you a bad partner.
If you look in to something and you feel like it’s not for you then you shouldn’t feel pressured in to doing it. Use the above-mentioned tactic to explain your feelings and why you can’t get involved. This may be instantly respected or it may be followed by a difficult relationship conversation, that we can’t predict, but the important thing is that you didn’t feel forced into a sexual act you weren’t happy with.
If, however, you do want to give it a go then, congratulations! The approaches you’ve taken above will have put you in a good position to take things to the next step with your partner: field research.
Plan any kink sessions prior to trying them, at least for the first time, so that you both know roughly what to expect. Don’t be afraid to admit any apprehensions but, remember, this can be a normal part of sex (it certainly is for any first-timer). Take the experience as it comes and support each other as you go along. If you need to stop then stop. Breaks are also good to have.
If you respect each other’s boundaries and move forward with mutual understanding then we feel confident that you can master the introduction of any new kink in to the bedroom.
Oh, and if you didn’t know about pegging before then you do know. Huzzah for sexual milestones!