“I’m such a masochist!” I’d giggle after moaning on about how sore I was after Zumba. Little did I know how right I was. What is a masochist? Why do people actually enjoy pain? And how do you know if you’re a masochist? Well let me, queen of smut and eager masochist answer these questions and more for you.
There are two dictionary definitions of masochism. An enjoyment of a tedious or painful activity is one but the main definition is ‘the tendency to derive sexual gratification from one’s own pain or humiliation.’
So you can be a masochist on many levels.
I am a many level masochist.
I’ve had an inkling I was a masochist for years but apart from a little rough sex I’d never experienced it enough to be sure. It took meeting a handsome sadist to find out properly and the first time I played at a BDSM dungeon I was beaten a lot and loved it.
How did I know I’d like it? Well, I didn’t really. I just had my husband and Sensei (the handsome sadist) hit me with various things. I trusted them both to stop if I asked.
From that first experience I’ve found out I love all kinds of pain not just that of a well spanked bottom. Whipping, electrics, knife play, humiliation, sadistic rope…if it hurts I’m interested.
I have a really high pain tolerance and I enjoy pushing my limits to see how much pain I can take. Also, I can come from pain. Pressure on a certain pressure point in my chest, a certain rhythm to a beating or pain inflicted whilst I’m being fucked.
This is a great question and I’m not sure anyone will be able to answer it fully.
The science is that the brain releases dopamine in response to pain and this is one of those lovely, happy making chemicals. However, it’s definitely not as simple as that. Or we’d all be stubbing our toes and enjoying it.
For me some things hurt and it feels so good, like a rough caress or an orgasmic explosion. Other times it hurts and I hate it but I also love it. The pain isn’t pleasurable in itself but enduring the pain is the pleasure. There’s some pain I just don’t like, my hard limits.
I can’t tell you why pain and pleasure are so connected within me, they just are. Some people talk about pain helping them to reach the release of subspace. They use it as a means to an ends. Other’s really do just love to please their Dominants.
We’re all different and therefore experience pain and pleasure differently too. There’s no right way to enjoy it. Just be safe and practice Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK).
I have a high pain tolerance and play hard. You don’t have to have a high pain tolerance to be a masochist. It’s the enjoyment of the pain which is key, not how much pain you can take. So don’t let anyone tell you that you’re a bad masochist or not masochist enough because you can’t take lots of impact. In fact, if anyone says anything like that consider it a red flag and stay away from playing with them. Coercing someone into doing something they don’t enjoy or pushing their limits without consent is incredibly bad practise.
The only way to really know is to give it a try with someone you trust. Start small with something that is easy to control. Such as a spank with a hand, you don’t need any fancy equipment to give it a try.
If you want some reward for your pain, think about giving wax play a go. You can purchase candles with a low burning temperature in pretty colours. Dripping the wax on your skin will turn you into a canvas for waxy dots and splashes, or actual wax pictures if your top is arty like that. You can control the pain of wax play by changing the distance between the candle and skin before dripping. Dripped from a height, the wax will only have a gentle heat to your skin.
Then you can enjoy it being removed, usually with some kind of knife but you can wash it off in the shower.
If you’re still not sure, try something like cuffs or gags which as well as taking some control from you, give you a sense of being uncomfortable without experiencing huge amounts of pain.
It’s really important to remember aftercare for any kind of BDSM activity. From checking there aren’t any cuts that need covering to applying soothing cream to areas of bruising. As well as cuddles, reassurance and something sugary (such as sweets/candy or a sugary drink) for all the people involved. Tops need to be looked after too. Aftercare will happen straight after your scene but might well be needed for a number of days later too.
Do you find pleasure in pain? Why do you enjoy it?
Victoria Blisse (she/her) is known as the Queen of Smut, reverend to the kinky and is the writer in residence at Cocktails and Fuck Tales. She’s also an angel. Ask anyone.
Passion, love and laughter fill her works, just as they fill her busy life.
Find out more at: victoriablisse.co.uk
