Ahhh, porn. For some people, it’s a bit of spice to help them wank away their cares or the inspiration for all the devious things they want to do with a partner. To some people, though, porn is the devil and anyone who watches is doomed to a life of hellish sexual dissatisfaction, a lack of willing partners, and possibly even hairy palms.
Porn is many things to many people but it is neither the most amazing thing on the planet for every single person nor the worst thing ever created by mankind. In reality, for most people, porn is somewhere in the middle. The right kind of porn with an understanding partner can create a safe space to explore sexuality. Unsafe, too much, or hidden porn habits can foster distrust and hurt relationships.
Porn has an awful reputation out in the world. Of course, so does BDSM, masturbation, open relationships, and even sex toys. Like everything else, porn can have a positive affect. Whether you prefer ethical porn that’s inclusive of different body types, genders, and sexuality or you like mainstream hardcore porn, what affects your relationship most is how you treat each other.
When you and your partner watch porn together, you create space to start a conversation. Many people find it difficult to say things like, “I’d like you to tie me to the bed, hit me with a flogger, and fuck me with a dildo.” Watching porn together can make it easier. Porn allows you to see something on the screen and say to your partner, “I kind of like that” or “That’s such a turn on.” It also gives you the opportunity to say, “I don’t think I’d like that” or “That’s not my thing.”
We don’t always know what we like until we see it or hear about it. You might not have known you loved face-sitting or cock and ball torture until you watched it in porn. Nudge your partner and say, “Would you like to try that?” You never know how they may respond. Watching porn together can be a great way to explore when you feel like you’re in a sexual rut, too. When my partner and do I will often scroll through porn videos and until we find something we enjoy. We may not try exactly what we watched, but it definitely inspires some kinky fuckery of our own.
The act of watching porn may or may not get you off but it will likely arouse you to some degree. Knowing that, you can use porn as part of sex with your partner. Masturbating together while watching porn counts. So does watching a few minutes and then acting out what you see or simply enjoying each other’s body. For some, porn is foreplay, and for others, it’s the main event – but the act of watching it together is part of the entire experience.
Very little hurts a relationship worse than jealousy. How many of us have felt insecure when we think a partner finds someone else attractive? It’s extremely common and doesn’t bring out the best in people. Assuming your partner is a decent human being in all other aspects, finding another person sexually attractive doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, love you, or want you. If you get turned on by the porn you’re watching, it makes sense your partner is, too. Understanding this can open your mind and free you of the (sometimes) debilitating insecurities that can wreck a relationship.
Nothing is all good or bad. Porn is most often demonized as dangerous to relationships. When approached in a open, honest, and thoughtful way, porn can make relationships better. But it’s not without it’s flaws.
Objectification of female bodies, unrealistic expectations about how sex works, and a false sense of what “normal” bodies look like – these are just a few of the false expectations created by porn. If your only real experience with sex or kink comes from porn, there’s a good chance it’s not going to be great for your relationship. When one partner expects (or demands) their sex to mimic what they see in porn, they’re bound to be disappointed and even potentially dangerous.
Anything can be used to replace intimate connections with other people. Porn is a common culprit, though. Instead of sharing sexual pleasure, trying out new fantasies, or acknowledging desire, your partner might seek out porn instead. Porn isn’t necessarily the problem – whatever has created a disconnect in your relationship is the problem. Ideally, a lot of communication and a willingness to be honest with each other can help you repair your connection or help you decide to go your separate ways.
Please do not think I’m saying that everyone who watches porn will get addicted. If that was the case, the vast majority of us would have our nose to a screen and our hands down our pants more often than we already do. The reality is that some people have addictive personalities. Porn is simply the thing they’ve turned to. Watching porn may begin as a healthy function of your relationship and turn into an addiction over time. Addiction prevents people from functioning as they should in all aspects of their life, not just sexually. If your or your partner suspect one of you is addicted to porn, please seek professional help if you can.
Lying in a relationship almost never ends well. Lying about your porn habit adds to the stigma (in general) that porn itself is bad or unhealthy. Ideally watching porn in your relationship will be accepted and something you discuss freely. Hiding your porn watching habits creates distrust between you both. The conversation about why you want to watch porn might be difficult, but so is what happens once you’re caught. It’s much better to be honest about porn than to hide it.
If you can imagine a fetish, kink, or sexual desire, porn has been created about it. Just like everything else about sex desire and sexuality, the porn we like is unique to all of us. The type of porn you watch matters less than the way you treat it in your relationship. (For the record, ethically created, diverse, and inclusive porn is always a great choice!) When used to create intimacy and foster communication, porn can enhance pleasure and sex. But when watching porn is treated as a replacement for connection and intimacy or becomes something you have to hide, it’s no good for anyone in your relationship.
