These days, in a post-Fifty Shades world, it’s easy to assume that spanking and collars make up the whole world of BDSM. But just as Rule 34 suggests, there’s a kink for every possible interest you can imagine. But with such wide variety, so many kinky possibilities to indulge in, it can make it difficult to know where to start exploring, or find how to develop your particular interests but what about if your look at kink as a kind of buffet… a delicious kinky buffet where you get to mix and match the things you love.
How about a rather different way of thinking about the variety of kinks out there?
Everyone gets hungry, right? And most people – presumably including you, as you’re reading the blog on a sex toy site – get horny. But just like being hungry doesn’t mean you can cook, being turned on doesn’t mean you’ll have great sex every time. And different people prefer different foods, and their tastes can change over time too. There are some interesting parallels.
So you can think of sex as preparing food. Sometimes it’s a snack to keep you going (hello, in-between meetings solo quickie) and sometimes it’s a four-course meal (with candles, if that’s your sort of thing). And although every meal is different, there are some basic techniques that can help us all in most situations. Now, that’s an article for another day, but hopefully most readers will be nodding by now. So what if we take this idea a little further, in terms of the different flavours available?
An interesting way to think about kinks is that each one is like a different spice or herb. Rather than getting into the complicated discussion about what makes an activity kinky rather than vanilla – which is a flavour too, of course – let’s think about this model. Different people have different preferences, and we know that’s fine. And a recipe can give a very different result, just by adding or swapping one ingredient, because it changes the overall taste.
Some herbs and spices just work well together. Cumin and coriander seeds. Oregano and thyme. Garlic and ginger. Everyone has their favourite combinations, right?
Kinks are the same. There are some that work so well in unison that it’s almost automatic. It might even seem impossible to enjoy one without the other; people so often assume that BDSM has to involve leather, for example. But just because they can go well together, doesn’t mean they have to.
Two people might enjoy different dishes from the same restaurant. One chooses curried lamb and the other chicken tandoori, but they share the naan and rice.
What this means is that you can think about where the overlap is; an activity that you would both enjoy because it combines well with your individual favourites. And if you enjoy several linked kinks, then it’s natural to explore others too, just as you might experiment with variations on a favourite restaurant dish.
Thinking of kinks in this way is a great approach to make sure everyone involved gets something out of a scene, by catering to their preferences. This could be entirely imaginary; close your eyes and picture the extra kinky something which turns “ooh” into “ah!” It’s also helpful because, in most cases, we accept that food tastes are something to accept about a person without judgment. No two people ever have exactly the same preferences – or not for long, anyway.
Medical play and a latex fetish are a natural combination. I’m sure some people get into latex after finding out just how much they like the gloves! But some added ingredients would work well too – gags or orgasm control for example. Watch a few episodes of Holby City or Grey’s Anatomy and use anatomical words instead of slang terms to set the scene.
If you enjoy anal and they’re desperate to dress up as a nurse, hand them a lube applicator and get ready for your examination. If you like getting tied down, there’s all kinds of appropriately medical restraints to consider. What props will make everyone’s kinky eyes light up?
If they’re into being dominant but you’re worried about pain, then look for the middle ground. Which ingredients in a mistress/submissive scene would work for you, if you want to stay away from the sadism/masochism bits?
Tease and denial might be a good place to start – pain isn’t quite the right word, but crying out is fairly likely – and there are all kinds of kinky joys and sensations they can explore to define their control over you. And there’s probably things you’d love to do anyway that they can make a ‘condition’ of the scene.
When giving or lending control of yourself and the scene to someone else, you accept their pace. Within agreed boundaries, you don’t know what will happen or when. This element of mystery, of anticipation, feeds the excitement – even when what happens is something you really enjoy. Literally any kink can be part of such an occasion, and part of the fun is that you won’t know what (or who) is coming next.
There’s another way to use ideas from cooking when we explore and negotiate our kinks. The level of heat in a dish is not the same as the flavour. A pasta dish and a curry can both be cooked mild or hot, but we wouldn’t say they taste the same. A smooth, sweet tomato sauce or a fiery arrabiata are clearly part of the same family, but they’re also very different.
The intensity of a particular scene is something else that’s separate to the kink involved. How long it lasts, the senses you focus on (or deny), the choice of toys – these are all ways to turn it up to 11.
Many of these will be very personal to the people involved. Just changing the words used can alter the mood. For some of us, tugging hair or stroking along the neck will cause groans out of all proportion to the sensation. The same actions can feel very different if you’ve been told to hold on to the headboard or they’ll stop.
If they can’t see, you can talk about the people that are watching – or maybe what you can see them doing. (Play some ethical porn in the background for extra points.) A blindfold not only allows for fantasy, but means you can exaggerate all kinds of things. Let them feel a large dildo with hands or mouth, then swap to something smaller for penetration; in their head they’re taking a lot more!
Hopefully some of the bitesize descriptions here will have started you thinking. The important thing, like so much else, is to be open to different ideas without crossing your boundaries. Of course enthusiastic consent is the key here, but just like it’s sometimes good to risk a new restaurant or dish, you’ll never find new things to enjoy sexually without taking a chance.
And if what you try isn’t to your taste, there’s plenty on the menu for another time…
James Mycroft was a Sherlock Holmes fan before Benedict Cumberbatch made him cool again. He reads, writes and enjoys adrenaline sports, including those that happen in the bedroom. Sadly he is much less interesting in real life than online.
