Earlier in the year we published a post by James Mycroft about tease and denial play for people with a penis. As a result we realised that we needed a companion piece to go with that for people with a vulva. Amy from Coffee and Kink agreed to take on that challenge and write the vuvla version for us.
When people think of tease and denial kink, they usually associate it with people with penises. But many people with vulvas also enjoy this type of play, sometimes also referred to as orgasm denial or erotic sexual denial.
In this piece, we’ll explore all things denial for vulva owners. What is it, why do people enjoy it, and how can you explore it with a partner or by yourself?
Tease and denial comes under the umbrella of orgasm control (which also includes chastity play, forced orgasms, ruined orgasms, and more). Simply put, it’s about getting someone—yourself or your partner—aroused without allowing them to reach orgasm. This might include getting almost to the point of orgasm and then stopping (this is called “edging”).
Tease and denial can be short-term or long-term. Many people enjoy playing with it just for the length of a scene or kinky play session, with the assumption that they will get the orgasm at the end. Others do extended denial for hours, days, weeks, or even longer.
Some more extreme players even venture into extremely long-term (years), semi-permanent or permanent denial. But this isn’t something you ever have to consider in order to play with tease and denial! It’s valid whether you want to do it for an hour, a lifetime, or anything in between.
Some denial kinksters like to use physical devices such as chastity belts. This is far more complex for vulva owners than penis owners. While many cock cages are fairly discreet and practical, chastity belts for people with vulvas tend to be large, bulky, and obvious. They can also get in the way of basic things like washing and going to the bathroom.
The cheaper belts on the market tend to not actually block access to the genitals very effectively, while the ones that are more restrictive are extremely expensive.
So if playing with chastity belts or other devices sounds hot to you, go for it—but don’t expect to be able to wear your device for more than a few hours at a time. They’re more an accessory to help build a fantasy than something you can actually use day in and day out.
If you’ve ever experienced an explosive orgasm after a long period of arousal and build-up, you’ll understand part of the appeal of tease and denial. Denying yourself or your lover an orgasm, whether for an hour, a day, a week, or even longer, can make the eventual climax that much more intense.
For many people, tease and denial is also part of a power exchange or Dominant/submissive (D/s) dynamic. Your sexuality is one of the most intimate and personal aspects of yourself, and giving someone else control over that can be very powerful. Some submissives say that granting a dominant partner control over their sexual release is the ultimate display of submission.
Perhaps a little counterintuitively, playing with tease and denial can help to remove the pressure surrounding orgasm. Many people with vulvas experience stress around how long it takes them to reach orgasm, worrying that their partner will become bored or think they are taking “too long”. If you’re not allowed to come, it gives you a certain permission to focus on the sensations and the pleasure without chasing a specific goal… which can actually make it easier to get there when you are eventually given permission!
So you think this tease and denial thing sounds hot and want to try it out? If you have a partner, talk to them about it and explain that it’s something you are curious about and would like to try. If you’re not sure about how to raise it, try telling them about some porn you saw or an erotic story you read with tease and denial themes and what about it was hot for you.
When you first start experimenting with tease and denial with a partner, it’s best to start out slowly. Perhaps they could edge you just once or twice before allowing you to climax, or instruct you not to touch yourself without their permission for 12 hours. Then you can build up from there. Watching porn, reading erotica, or dirty talking together are also great ways to see which aspects of this kink appeal to you the most.
The most important thing is to be as clear and specific as you can about what you’re interested in, because tease and denial can look lots of different ways. Think this sounds unsexy? It doesn’t have to be. In fact, discussing your fantasies and scene ideas with your partner can be amazing foreplay.
If you’re in a long-distance relationship or even just in separate physical spaces temporarily, long-distance remote controlled sex toys (such as Lovense or We-Vibe products) can be a really hot way to play with tease and denial when you’re apart. Hand your partner control over your vibe (via an app on their phone) and lie back and enjoy the sensations they inflict upon you.
What if you want to explore teasing and denial but you don’t have a partner (or your partner isn’t interested in participating?) No worries—there are many ways to play with this kink solo.
The easiest way to start exploring tease and denial is just to bring it into your masturbation sessions. How does it feel to tease around your genital area and get yourself hot and bothered before touching your clitoris or vagina? What about getting yourself close to orgasm and then backing off rather than going over the edge? Try giving yourself challenges, such as edging ten times before climax or teasing yourself for an hour, and see what is the most fun for you.
If remote play is something you think you might enjoy, you can also try finding an online play partner for either one-off or ongoing tease and denial scenes. Forums like Reddit’s r/femaleorgasmdenial and r/edgingtalk, as well as Fetlife, are great places to find like-minded kinksters. Remember to follow the rules of online safety: never give out identifiable personal information, remember that not everyone is who they say they are, and meet in public first if you ever take things into the real world.
Another good option is to work with a professional Dominant (Pro Dom/me). Many professionals will do tease and denial scenes for submissives of any gender, either in person or online. Many adult performers have created tease and denial instruction videos (these are often called “jerk-off instructions” or JOI. You might need to do a little digging for non-gendered or vulva-specific ones, as many are aimed at penis owners, but they do exist). There are also sexy instructional audios available on sites like Literotica and r/gonewildaudio.
The site EdgeMePlease offers an automated version where you can specify your own difficulty level. It’s geared towards penis owners, but it’s very easy to adapt the instructions for vulva owners (for example, when it says “squeeze your balls,” you could play with your nipples instead).
There are as many ways to explore tease and denial as there are kinksters who are into it. So get creative and see what speaks to you the most. Here are a few ideas to get you started. As always, take the ones that appeal to you and leave the rest.
Above all, remember that tease and denial play is supposed to be fun. You’ll see a lot of enthusiasts online competing to be the person who goes longest without coming, but you don’t have to engage in that (many of them are lying anyway! Very few people actually do denial for months or years at a time.)
The only right way to do it is the way that’s fun, hot, and safe for you and your partner(s). So try things out, experiment, and have fun!
Amy Norton (she/they) is a sex writer, blogger, and pleasure product afficionado who has been running her site, Coffee & Kink, since 2016. She is a polyamorous, queer femme and lives in the UK with her nesting partner, cat, and frankly ridiculous collection of vibrators.
