Fisting is often considered to be one of the more taboo sex acts, but it’s one that millions of people either engage in or are curious about. But what is it, why do people like it, and is it possible to do it safely?
Today, we’re talking about all things fisting!
Fisting is the act of inserting your entire hand into an orifice. While fisting can be done to an anus, this post focuses on vaginal fisting. It is possible to fist yourself if you’re flexible enough, but most people do fisting with a partner.
If you’re envisioning someone just pushing their entire hand into a vagina and wincing, don’t worry. It’s not like that at all! Fisting is typically a slow and careful process in which the giving partner inserts one finger at a time to allow the vagina time to gradually stretch.
People are into fisting for lots of different reasons. For some, having a partner’s entire hand inside them (or vice versa) produces a feeling of incredible intimacy. It certainly requires a hell of a lot of trust to engage in this kind of play with someone.
Others enjoy fisting because they enjoy the physical sensation of being stretched. These people might also enjoy activities like playing with very large dildos or having penetrative sex with partners with large penises. The feeling of fullness is very hot to some, and large penetration allows stimulation of lots of sensitive nerve-endings inside the vagina. Some people also enjoy the challenge that comes with doing something that’s at the edge of their tolerance level.
Fisting can also be part of a power exchange, Dominant/submissive (D/s), or power exchange scenario. It’s often assumed that the Dominant will be the fister and the submissive will be the receptive partner in this type of play, but that’s not necessarily the case. One submissive told me about fisting their Dominant as an act of service, because it’s something their Dom enjoys.
What is it about fisting, either as the giving or receptive partner (or even both) that appeals to you?
As with many things in the sex and kink realm, this isn’t a simple yes or no question. Fisting certainly carries some risks, and players must be risk-informed in order to give meaningful consent.
Remember that vaginas are incredibly elastic. They are muscles and can stretch significantly with enough time, warm-up, and lubrication. So doing something that stretches the vaginal muscles isn’t inherently dangerous as long as you go slowly, listen to your body, and stop if you feel pain. Fisting can be intense but it is not supposed to hurt.
Oh, and the myth about vaginas becoming “loose” from stretching or sexual activity with larger insertables such as fisting? This is misogynistic nonsense that has no basis in science.
Whenever bodily fluids get involved, it’s possible to transmit STIs. This includes fisting, though (as with any type of hand sex) the risk is relatively low compared to many other sexual activities. Both partners should know their status and be getting regular sexual health screenings. The giving partner might want to wear gloves, especially if they have any cuts or sores on their hands.
Fisting can also cause micro tears in the vaginal tissue, especially if you do not use enough lube. This can increase STI transmission risk and can be very painful. Ensure that the fister has trimmed and filed their nails and taken off any rings or other jewellery to cut down on this risk.
If you feel pain or there is any bleeding, stop immediately.
Don’t forget about the psychological risks, too. Fisting is an intimate activity and that can bring with it some strong emotions, particularly if you’re engaging in it as part of a BDSM or power exchange scenario. Ensure you build in plenty of time for aftercare, debriefing, and making sure that both partners feel physically and emotionally okay after your scene.
So you’re aware of the potential risks and rewards and you’ve decided you want to give fisting a go. Here are a few vital tips to help you have a great experience.
Sufficient and proper lubrication is by far the most important factor in having a good experience with fisting. Trying to insert anything into a vagina without enough lube can be both unpleasant and potentially dangerous, and that risk goes up when you’re playing with larger insertions.
A good quality water-based lube is ideal. I like Sliquid Sassy, which was formulated with anal play in mind and is extra thick and long-lasting, but any water-based formula will do. If you’re not using latex barriers, you might also choose oil-based lubes. Some people love these for their ultra slick feeling.
Whatever type of lubricant you go for, use more than you think you need and add more as often as you need it.
I recommend using nitrile or latex gloves for fisting even if you and your partner have both had a recent sexual health screening and normally exchange bodily fluids. This is because gloves make your hand feel super smooth, which can be more comfortable for the receptive partner. They also don’t absorb the moisture in lube in the same way your skin does, so using gloves may help to keep things slippery wet.
Some people find that having an orgasm at the start of a play session helps to prepare them for fisting. This is because orgasm gets blood rushing to your genital area, ensuring the tissue is engorged and sensitive. This can make fisting a lot more pleasurable.
If having an orgasm first won’t work for you (perhaps you’re someone who is finished with sex once orgasm has happened), then substitute this for plenty of foreplay in whatever way works for you. This might include kissing, touching, hand sex, oral sex, penetrative sex, or playing with toys. What matters is that you’re sufficiently warmed up, turned on, and ready to go.
Fisting is perhaps poorly named, because you don’t actually ball your hand into a fist and then insert it! There are different schools of thought on the best hand positioning for fisting, and you should experiment with what works for you and your partner.
Many fisters also swear by what they call the “duck hand” – bringing the four fingers together in a straight line with the thumb underneath so that your hand looks like a duck’s bill.
In general, though, you will start by inserting one or two fingers at a time and slowly working them in more deeply. Once all or most of their hand is inside, the giver can try curling their fingers and see if that feels good to their partner.
You probably won’t get an entire fist inside you (or inside your partner) on your first attempt. In fact, you might never get the whole hand inside, and that’s okay, too! The goal of a fisting scene isn’t to reach a certain end point or to emulate something you’ve seen in porn. The point is for both of you to have fun and experience pleasure.
So take the pressure off and try not to go into fisting with expectations of yourself or your partner. If you only get two fingers in but have a great time, that’s as much a win as if you’d got your whole hand in. The best sexual experiences are the ones that are playful and exploratory, not goal driven.
Fisting cannot be rushed. Go more slowly than you think you need to. Insert one finger at a time and as you go deeper, think in terms of millimetres, not inches.
Fisting is an edgy activity that carries some inherent physical and emotional risk. Therefore, it’s vital that you communicate with your partner before, during, and after you play.
Beforehand, discuss what appeals to you about fisting and what you hope to get out of it. Talk about what your scene might look like, how you will keep each other safe, and how you will communicate and check in during.
Even if you enjoy roleplay or consensual non-consent, it’s a good idea to communicate plainly the first few times you try fisting. This means taking words like “no,” “stop”, and “slow down” at face value. Check in regularly to ensure that you’re both doing well and still having a good time. Make lots of eye contact and pay attention to your partner’s breathing, facial expressions, and body language.
Afterwards, talk about how it went and how you both felt. Did anything not work? Did anything work particularly well? What might you like to do differently next time? Then give your partner a hug and tell them they’re amazing.
Above all, remember that fisting – like any kind of sex – is supposed to be fun. If you’re not having a good time, you can always stop and do something else.
Amy Norton (she/they) is a sex writer, blogger, and pleasure product afficionado who has been running her site, Coffee & Kink, since 2016. She is a polyamorous, queer femme and lives in the UK with her nesting partner, cat, and frankly ridiculous collection of vibrators.
