We all know that saying about opinions, right? They’re like butt-holes, everyone’s got one and sometimes they should be kept in your pants. This is something that is especially relevant to kink and sex positive people and their communities. So what is kink shaming and how do you make sure you’re not doing it? Smut queen and kinkster Victoria Blisse helps sort the shame from opinion.
Why is it so important to be kink positive?
We all have our turn ons, the things that get our motor running and we all have our hard limits. Those things we’d never, ever, ever want to do. Thing is, your hard limit, the thing that squicks you the fuck out is likely to be someone else’s very favourite thing to do.
Who’s wrong in their belief? No one. We all have our personal preferences. We all have our kinks and that is the wonderful thing about the fetish community. It’s so very diverse. To keep this diverse set of people happily co-existing it’s incredibly important to get rid of kink shaming.
What is Kink Shaming?
“Ew, that’s so disgusting.”
“Who on earth would do that?”
“That’s just not sexy.”
These are some examples of kink shaming language. It’s focused on what you find attractive and looks down on someone else’s kink. This kind of language makes it seem like the kink in question is somehow wrong. It is upsetting and you never know what the person you are talking to is into. You might be making them feel guilty about something they love.
But what if it’s really dangerous?
There is a world of difference between calling out dangerous practises and kink shaming. It’s really important to keep people safe, so if you ever see something you know is dangerous or even think is dangerous at a kink event tell an organiser/ DM (dungeon monitor) immediately so it can be sorted out. If however you just don’t like it or find it distasteful, remove yourself from the area without comment. Everyone is entitled to enjoy their own kinks as they want to.
It’s just my opinion though, right?
You can express your opinion, it’s absolutely fine to do that but there are ways to do it without kink shaming.
How not to do it:
“Oh my God that is so disgusting. Who would do that?”
“I don’t want to see that, it turns my stomach.”
“What on earth is that? Ew.”
“You’d never catch me doing that, it’s just wrong.”
How to do it:
“I personally don’t get it.”
“To each their own!”
“Whatever floats your boat but I’m not interested myself.”
“It doesn’t do anything for me, so I’m going to leave them to it.”
“It’s not my thing but no kink shame here.”
It can all be summed up with one acronym and phrase that is often uttered on the scene. YKINMKBYKIOK
“Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is Okay”
Remember to say sorry.
We are only human and sometimes we slip up. Especially if we’re shocked, surprised or panicked. If you’ve accidentally kinked shamed take a moment to apologise. It doesn’t take long and you don’t need to say much more than one word. “Sorry.” We all make mistakes, it’s an opportunity to learn and do better next time.
The world of kink is huge and far-reaching. You are free to explore as much as you want, your hard limits are your hard limits all you need to do is remember never to yuck anyone else’s yum.
Victoria Blisse (she/her) is known as the Queen of Smut, reverend to the kinky and is the writer in residence at Cocktails and Fuck Tales. She’s also an angel. Ask anyone.
Passion, love and laughter fill her works, just as they fill her busy life.
Find out more at: victoriablisse.co.uk