Spark some passion for Valentines
It really does not seem all that long ago that we were here discussing Christmas shopping, but time flies when you are gift buying and now it is time to turn our attention to the annual day of all things love and passion; Valentines.
There of course the traditional gifts that the supermarkets love to stock in abundance, chocolates, alcohol, flowers and increasingly valentines themed underwear but for those of you looking to buy something a little bit different here are some suggestions that might take your fancy and hopefully those of the person(s) you fancy as well.
Best Women’s Erotica of the Year Volume 3
What better way to treat your partner than with a whole book of sexy. Sexy and erotic stories that is. This acclaimed anthology is the third in the current series edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel and is guaranteed to be jammed pack full of both established and exciting new writers to the genre.
Love You To The Moon Matching Sterling Silver Necklace Set
I am absolutely in love with this matching necklace set. I think it would be such a lovely gift to share with a lover or even a best friend. Each necklace also has a tiny silver star which can be personalized with a letter of your choosing and if these don’t appeal then not to worry as this site is full of beautiful and unusual jewelry to pick from and at very reasonable prices too.
Ever fancied indulging your kinky desires in a beautiful dungeon environment? If so then this is the place for you. Situated near High Wycombe you can hire the dungeon for a miniumn of four hours or splash out on a luxurious over night stay. Now that would be a Valentine night to remember!
Do you have someone in your life who likes to paint their nails? If so then why not treat them to a select of these super bright nail polish colours from Latex Leather and Lace. Not only will they have eye catching nails during the day but in the right light this polish glows in the dark!
Magnifique · Metallic chain Choker silver
This amazingly beautiful choker is not everyday wear as it is definitely going to make a statement, a bold, sexy erotic statement! Bijous indiscrets has a wonderful selection of erotic accessories to pick from but this choker really jumped out at us as something that could look amazing with both your dress on and off!
Black Stained Oak Wood Handled Leather Flogger
What better way to show your partner that you love them then presenting them with a beautiful leather flogger. Not a traditional gift by any means but if impact play is something you enjoy then this is surely a gift that will be treasured. It comes in red, black, chocolate brown or purple and has a black stained oak handle.
Elven Armour – Full Finger Armour – Silver Adjustable Claw Ring
When we said this was a list of unique gifts we meant it and nothing is more unique than this stunning finger claw ring. You can pick your diamante colour stone to best suit the person you are buying this for and it is fully adjustable so you don’t need to worry about it fitting.
Despite this being listed by the seller as for a ‘boyfriend’ we are definitely not promoting this as a gift for a man because we believe that gender does not dictate what you like or don’t like however this one definitely has a masculine feel to it. The clasp is made from stainless steel and can be in silver or black and you can have it engraved on just the front or on both sides and the leather comes in a brown or black option. We think this would be a very sexy and alternative gift to give to someone this Valentine
And if all that does not work for you then how about saying I love you with hearts, beautiful colourful hearts encased in silicone and shaped to bring your loved one some glorious pleasure. This year our red Be My Valentine is being joined with Blue, Green, Orange, Yellow, Pink and Purple hearts in all our toys (except for The Apex) However if something from this range tickles your fancy then be warned they are a limited run item and will only for sale until the 16th February!
6 Myths Porn Has Taught Us about Squirting
With all the intrigue and mystery surrounding the topic of “squirting” along side the wide spread belief it is the zenith of sexual achievement and ecstasy, it’s little surprise that it has become such a popular and widely searched category within the porn world.
According to the detailed set of insights recently published by Pornhub, “squirt” was one of top 10 most searched terms in the United Kingdom in 2016. Squirting is also one of the most popular categories overall across the Pornhub website, and interestingly the term “squirting orgasm” is one of the most commonly searched terms by women.
Despite its popularity and the vast amount of pornographic footage it’s featured in, squirting continues to be a highly misunderstood natural sexual phenomenon, and the way it is continually represented in porn hinders rather than helps its cause.
Here are six common squirting myths you might believe as a result of what you see in porn:
1. Squirting is the same as urination
A female ejaculatory response can manifest in two ways; female ejaculation or squirting.
Female ejaculate is produced from the two paraurethral glands, known as the Skene’s Glands, located at the bottom of the urethra. These glands are also known as the ‘female prostate’ and the fluid produced is chemically similar to, and even looks like, male ejaculate (minus the sperm). Comparatively, when squirting or ‘gushing’ occurs, a larger amount of clear water-like fluid is expelled from the urethra.
So much wasted time is given to the ongoing petty debate over whether squirting and female ejaculation are valid, or whether female ejaculation is the “real deal” whilst squirting is just peeing.
This ill-informed ‘peeing’ stigma keeps sticking tight despite the numerous accounts from she-jaculative ladies who know from first-hand experience that squirting is an entirely different bodily function to urination. Moreover, that the fluid produced does not smell, look or taste like piss.
As with many ironic and straight-up stupid idiosyncrasies of life, a natural bodily phenomenon which is shamed by many as being “gross” or “weird”, is at the same time touted as a unicorn sexual experience. Consensus from the general public is split between viewing squirting as “gross,” and wanting to know how to do it, and wanting to watch it.
Ironic much?
2. The squirting you see in porn is always 100% real
Unless you experience squirting as a part of your own sex life, there’s really only one place you can easily access (supposed) depictions of squirting. That’s right: porn.
Only problem is, all is not what it seems.
Thanks to the high demand of squirting videos in porn over recent years, adult film stars have adopted tricks and developed techniques in order to fake squirting. The vast majority that is depicted in porn is usually nothing more than well-orchestrated urination. No wonder so many people have got the wrong idea about squirting; what they seeing in porn isn’t even real.
A popular technique porn stars use to imitate squirting is over-hydration: drinking copious amounts of water and taking electrolyte powders before filming in order to produce a spray of clear fanny fluid on demand. Some will also fill their vaginas with water prior to the scene starting, and train their vaginal muscles to release the fluid at the pivotal moment of climax. This doesn’t give us an accurate representation of squirting, and let’s be honest it’s probably not too healthy either.
3. Everything you see in porn is fake
Similar to other common misconceptions about the porn industry (i.e. that all adult film stars hate their job, only do it for the money and all orgasms are faked) some of the depictions of squirting that you see in porn could, in fact, to be real.
As mentioned, the majority of squirting is staged through tactics such as inserting packets of water into vaginas to shoot out at the crucial moment in a scene, or drinking copious amounts of water to ensure thats urine comes out with the same appearance as ejaculative fluid.
However, there are women who genuinely have the ability to squirt and it’s therefore not too far-fetched to believe that some of the footage of squirting – particularly amateur – is real, and that some porn stars are experiencing genuine sexual enjoyment whilst having sex in front of the camera.
4. Squirting always involves gushing a fountain of liquid
Unlike what you might have seen in adult movies, squirting doesn’t always mean spraying an enormous torrent of lady juice from one side of the room to the other.
What is actually excreted in terms of fluid can range from a few drops of a milky, slightly viscous excretion, to a full blown gush of clear liquid; in fact, what’s emitted can be any variant between these two extremes.
There’s a chance you may have experienced female ejaculation or squirting in your own sex life without even realising it, especially if you participate in heterosexual coital encounters. How would you realise you’ve she-jaculated if the volume of sex nectar is not substantial enough to be noteworthy? And more to the point: if your juice is so blended with the mix of male ejaculate and other sexual excretions, you’re most likely to just assume it’s all coming from him. Chances are that if a pussy is particularly juicy, it may have female ejaculated to some degree.
5. Squirting is always accompanied by an orgasm
Porn unashamedly insinuates that squirting is proof of sexual climax, and goes hand in hand with an earth-shattering orgasm.
This is not always the case, and contrary to what adult films would have you believe, squirting can happen at any time during sexual play. And while most women who squirt will agree that it generally accompanies a highly pleasurable sensation or great sense of relief, it won’t necessarily coincide with you orgasmically screaming the house down.
6. You need deep penetration to be able to squirt
Just like everything in life; food, wine, clothing, and female orgasms, every woman has her own preferences and we all like something different. Every pussy works in its own way, and every woman is stimulated by different things.
While a vast number of women attribute their ability to squirt with G-spot stimulation, the G-spot isn’t always easily accessible during penetrative sex, and a penis might not be able to reach the pivotal spot to stimulate it. Fingers, or sex toys usually have a far greater success rate.
Similar to the findings in a recent study, which reported that for 1 in 5 women sexual intercourse alone is not sufficient for orgasm, deep penetration from an oversized throbbing cock won’t necessarily cause a woman to squirt.
While there may be some depictions of squirting in porn which are true to life, and some adult film stars genuinely have the ability to produce lady juice on command, it’s important to remember that most of what you are seeing is fiction.
Keep in mind that if you’re watching a porn star writhing in sexual delight and gushing a stream of fluid across a great distance, it’s likely her squirting stamina has been greatly assisted by special effects and clever pre-planning.
The Ins and Outs of Contraception
Despite the fact that we tend to teach young people that sex is about reproduction the main reason humans actually have sex is for pleasure. For most people sex for reproduction purposes will be something they do on a number of limited occasions throughout their life and for some people it will be something they never ever do. Clearly the key to worry free pleasurable sex is reducing the risks such as contracting sexually transmitted infections and/or pregnancy.
Your contraception needs will change throughout your life, someone in their late teens or twenties will probably have different needs to someone in their 30’s or 40’s. The type of relationship(s) that someone is in and where they are in terms of having children will be just two of the big factors that will affect the type of contraception that they might choose.
So let’s talk about some of the different types of contraception
Barrier Methods
Caps/Diaphragms
Both caps and diaphragms are inserted into the vagina, along with spermicide, prior to sex. They work by covering the cervix and creating a barrier so that sperm can’t get into the womb. When used correctly they are 92 – 96% effective. The upside of a cap or diaphragm is that they only need to be inserted when you want to have sex and there are no serious health risks or side affects associated with them but clearly one of the major downsides is that they are not conducive to spontaneous sex. They can also take a bit of time to learn how to insert them and they don’t give any protection against contracting STI’s.
Condoms
Male condoms are worn over the penis and create a barrier preventing the sperm from reaching the womb. When used correctly they are 98% effective and they are the ONLY form of contraception that also protects against STI’s.
Female condoms work in the same way as male condoms in that they create a barrier preventing sperm from reaching the womb but instead of being worn over the penis it is inserted inside the vagina. When used correctly they are 95% effective and can help prevent the transmission of many STI’s including HIV.
Hormonal Methods
The Pill
There are two types of contraceptive pill, the Combined Pill and the Progestogen only Pill. They work in slightly different ways but both use hormones to disrupt the female reproduction cycle in some way. If taken regularly they are both 99% effective in preventing pregnancy. The pill is a very convenient method of contraception but there are some medical reasons why some women just can’t use it and there are also some side effects to both types that should be considered.
Contraceptive Implant
The implant is a small flexible tube that is inserted by a doctor or nurse underneath the skin in the upper arm and releases a small amount of progestogen which inhibits the body from releasing an egg from the ovary(s). Unlike the pill it is not reliant on the person remembering to take it and so once inserted has a 99% effective rate. It lasts for 3 years but like all hormone based methods it plus and minus’ that need to be considered.
Contraceptive Injection
In the UK there are different types of contraceptive injection available and depending on which one you have they last somewhere between 8 and 13 weeks. Like many of the other hormone methods they use progestogen and are 99% effective. However they also share many of the side effects of those methods too and you have to go back every 8 – 13 weeks to have another shot.
Contraceptive Patch
The patch is a bit like a nicotine patch that sticks to you and releases the hormones directly into your body through your skin. Each patch lasts for a week, you then replace it with another one for 3 weeks in a row and then you take one week off. The patch is very easy to use but does rely on you remembering when to change it. It is 99% effective when used correctly.
Vaginal Ring
The Vaginal ring is a small, soft, plastic ring that you insert into your vagina and leave there for 21 days. You then remove it and throw it in the bin. 7 days later you insert a new ring. It works by releasing small doses of a combined hormone mix and if used correctly is 99% effective.
Intrauterine methods
IUS
The intrauterine system is a small plastic device that is inserted into your uterus by a medical professional. It releases a small dose of hormone directly into your womb and is 99% effective. It stays in place for 3 to 5 years depending on which one you have. It is an increasingly popular form of long term contraception for women.
IUD
Like the IUS the Intrauterine device is a small plastic and copper device that is inserted into your uterus by a medical professional. Unlike the IUS it does not release hormones but a small dose of copper which changes the make-up of the fluid which inhibits the survival of the sperm and also stops the egg from implanting. There are various different types of IUD available and depending on which one you pick they last between 5 and 10 years.
Natural Family Planning
This is also known as fertility awareness and involves monitoring various factors to determine when your most fertile time of the month is so that you can avoid sexual intercourse during that period. If done correctly it can be 99% effective but due to the imprecise nature of it and the chances for human error the effect rate is probably more like 75%. Clearly, the up side is there are no side effects to this system but the down side is that it is quite labour intensive and can 3 – 6 months to begin to develop a pattern that you rely on.
Permanent Contraception
Female Sterilisation
This involves a surgical procedure that seals or blocks the fallopian tubes therefore preventing eggs from reaching the womb and being fertilised. It is 99% effective and you will never need to worry about contraception again however it does involved having surgery that always comes with a risk and it should also be viewed as permanent and so you need to be absolutely sure that it is the right decision for you.
Vasectomy
Male Sterilisation involves a small procedure that is done under a local anaesthetic where the tube that carries sperm from the testicles to the penis is cut, blocked or sealed. The whole thing takes about 15 minutes and is 99% effective. It is a much easier and less invasive procedure than female sterilisation. For someone who has finished having their family or does not ever want one, it is an ideal long term solution.
How do I pick?
Clearly, that is the key question and the answer is that you should really go and get advice from a professional. What you decide to use will very much depend not just on your current need for contraception but also your age, health, family history and where you are in regards to having or not children. All of the options come with advantages and disadvantages which need to be considered and not all the options will suit everyone so getting good professional advice is the key to helping you decide what it best for you.
Getting advice
If you are in the UK then your nearest GP should be able to help you. When you make an appointment tell them what it is for as they often have dedicated clinics or specific doctors that deal with contraception. There is also a comprehensive guide to all these types of contraception on the NHS website.
However, there are also other organisations you can turn to for help and advice such as
and in the USA
How Porn Can Affect Your Relationship
Ahhh, porn. For some people, it’s a bit of spice to help them wank away their cares or the inspiration for all the devious things they want to do with a partner. To some people, though, porn is the devil and anyone who watches is doomed to a life of hellish sexual dissatisfaction, a lack of willing partners, and possibly even hairy palms.
Porn is many things to many people but it is neither the most amazing thing on the planet for every single person nor the worst thing ever created by mankind. In reality, for most people, porn is somewhere in the middle. The right kind of porn with an understanding partner can create a safe space to explore sexuality. Unsafe, too much, or hidden porn habits can foster distrust and hurt relationships.
Positive Affects of Porn
Porn has an awful reputation out in the world. Of course, so does BDSM, masturbation, open relationships, and even sex toys. Like everything else, porn can have a positive affect. Whether you prefer ethical porn that’s inclusive of different body types, genders, and sexuality or you like mainstream hardcore porn, what affects your relationship most is how you treat each other.
Porn Helps You Talk About Your Fantasies
When you and your partner watch porn together, you create space to start a conversation. Many people find it difficult to say things like, “I’d like you to tie me to the bed, hit me with a flogger, and fuck me with a dildo.” Watching porn together can make it easier. Porn allows you to see something on the screen and say to your partner, “I kind of like that” or “That’s such a turn on.” It also gives you the opportunity to say, “I don’t think I’d like that” or “That’s not my thing.”
Porn Can Inspire Your Sexual Pleasure
We don’t always know what we like until we see it or hear about it. You might not have known you loved face-sitting or cock and ball torture until you watched it in porn. Nudge your partner and say, “Would you like to try that?” You never know how they may respond. Watching porn together can be a great way to explore when you feel like you’re in a sexual rut, too. When my partner and do I will often scroll through porn videos and until we find something we enjoy. We may not try exactly what we watched, but it definitely inspires some kinky fuckery of our own.
Porn May Enhance Your Sexual Experience
The act of watching porn may or may not get you off but it will likely arouse you to some degree. Knowing that, you can use porn as part of sex with your partner. Masturbating together while watching porn counts. So does watching a few minutes and then acting out what you see or simply enjoying each other’s body. For some, porn is foreplay, and for others, it’s the main event – but the act of watching it together is part of the entire experience.
Porn Proves that Sexual Attraction Happens Outside of Relationships
Very little hurts a relationship worse than jealousy. How many of us have felt insecure when we think a partner finds someone else attractive? It’s extremely common and doesn’t bring out the best in people. Assuming your partner is a decent human being in all other aspects, finding another person sexually attractive doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, love you, or want you. If you get turned on by the porn you’re watching, it makes sense your partner is, too. Understanding this can open your mind and free you of the (sometimes) debilitating insecurities that can wreck a relationship.
Negative Affects of Porn
Nothing is all good or bad. Porn is most often demonized as dangerous to relationships. When approached in a open, honest, and thoughtful way, porn can make relationships better. But it’s not without it’s flaws.
Porn Can Create False Expectations
Objectification of female bodies, unrealistic expectations about how sex works, and a false sense of what “normal” bodies look like – these are just a few of the false expectations created by porn. If your only real experience with sex or kink comes from porn, there’s a good chance it’s not going to be great for your relationship. When one partner expects (or demands) their sex to mimic what they see in porn, they’re bound to be disappointed and even potentially dangerous.
Porn as a Replacement for Intimacy
Anything can be used to replace intimate connections with other people. Porn is a common culprit, though. Instead of sharing sexual pleasure, trying out new fantasies, or acknowledging desire, your partner might seek out porn instead. Porn isn’t necessarily the problem – whatever has created a disconnect in your relationship is the problem. Ideally, a lot of communication and a willingness to be honest with each other can help you repair your connection or help you decide to go your separate ways.
Porn Addiction
Please do not think I’m saying that everyone who watches porn will get addicted. If that was the case, the vast majority of us would have our nose to a screen and our hands down our pants more often than we already do. The reality is that some people have addictive personalities. Porn is simply the thing they’ve turned to. Watching porn may begin as a healthy function of your relationship and turn into an addiction over time. Addiction prevents people from functioning as they should in all aspects of their life, not just sexually. If your or your partner suspect one of you is addicted to porn, please seek professional help if you can.
Hiding Your Porn Habit
Lying in a relationship almost never ends well. Lying about your porn habit adds to the stigma (in general) that porn itself is bad or unhealthy. Ideally watching porn in your relationship will be accepted and something you discuss freely. Hiding your porn watching habits creates distrust between you both. The conversation about why you want to watch porn might be difficult, but so is what happens once you’re caught. It’s much better to be honest about porn than to hide it.
If you can imagine a fetish, kink, or sexual desire, porn has been created about it. Just like everything else about sex desire and sexuality, the porn we like is unique to all of us. The type of porn you watch matters less than the way you treat it in your relationship. (For the record, ethically created, diverse, and inclusive porn is always a great choice!) When used to create intimacy and foster communication, porn can enhance pleasure and sex. But when watching porn is treated as a replacement for connection and intimacy or becomes something you have to hide, it’s no good for anyone in your relationship.
Play it safe
Sex with a partner can be a great thing, in fact it should be a pleasurable experience but it is hard to really enjoy it if you are worried about becoming pregnant or catching a sexually transmitted infection. There are lots of different types of options to pick from when it comes to contraception but only one of them is both a contraceptive and a protection against catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and that is condoms. Most STI’s are transmitted from person to person through unprotected sex or genital contact. Therefore only a barrier method of contraception can significantly reduce your risk of contracting something.
What is Safe Sex?
Safe sex is all about taking precautions and making sensible decisions to help reduce the risk to both you and your partner(s) of getting at STI. Most people assume that safe sex means just wearing a condom but actually good safe sex practises extend beyond just condom use.
Condom and dental dams
Clearly the key to safe sex is to take actual physical precautions when having sex with another person. Wearing condoms is a must for both vaginal and anal sex. Both male and female condoms provide protection and so it is up to you which one you want to use. However most people prefer male condoms for anal sex but make sure you use plenty of water based lube. This not only makes anal sex more comfortable but it also reduces the risk of the condom tearing and exposing you to potential infection risk.
However condoms alone are not enough. Many STI’s can be transmitted through oral sex and that is where dental dams come in. They are thin square pieces of latex that can be placed over the genitals, such as the vulva or anus to create a barrier between the person giving oral sex and the one receiving. Likewise when performing oral sex on a person with a penis a condom should be worn.
Regular testing
Getting regular STI tests is a vital part of safe sex. Taking precautions is obviously a key step but getting tested really helps to reduce the spread of infections. Many sexually transmitted infections have little or no symptoms and it is very easy to have contracted an infection and have no idea about it. Regular testing means that you are keeping a check on the situation and if you have contracted something then you can get the right treatment for both you and your(s) to stay healthy.
Low risk sexual activity
Another way to reduce your risk of contracting an STI is to engage in low risk sexual activities only.
Low risk sexual activities include kissing, touching your partner’s genitals with your hands, using sex toys with a partner, dry humping (grinding) without clothes, and oral sex. But it is vital to remember that certain sexually transmitted infections can be contracted from oral sex and so using condoms and dental dams to avoid contact with skin and fluids whenever possible.
There are a few totally risk-free ways to get share sexual pleasure with a partner(s) such as mutual masturbation (when you watch each other masturbating, and dry humping (grinding) with your clothes on. Of course not engaging in any sexual activity at all with another person will also work but for most humans this is just not a happy, healthy option and so learning about good safe sex practises is the best option so that you can have an enjoyable sex life.
Talk to your partner
One of the key areas of safe sex is being able to talk to your partner(s) about the subject. Clearly this is not always easy and really depends on the type or longevity of a relationship. If it is a one night stand then the likelihood is you are not going to have a particularly in-depth talk about it, but that is the time that you should take all the physical precautions that you can and that does not mean you shouldn’t mention it at all. Far from it, stating clearly your safe sex practices and making sure a partner understand what that means for them before you both start taking your clothes off is really important.
If a relationship develops beyond that then there is more opportunity to discuss safe sex. It is a subject that many people find difficult to bring up but being able to have open and honest conversations about it with your partners is a vital step in being able to make sensible plans together for to keep everyone as healthy as possible.
Some tips for talking to your partner.
- Sit down and write a list of the things you want to discuss with them and have it close to hand during the discussion that way you won’t forget anything and you don’t have to memorise it all beforehand.
- Be open and honest. Tell them you want to discuss it because you like spending time with them and want to be able to share your thoughts with them on this subject.
- If you find it really difficult to do maybe try bringing up the subject in an email or text and hopefully that will be a stepping stone to an in person conversation.
- As well as being heard it is important to also listen. Try to create an environment where you both feel comfortable, confident and relaxed about sharing.
Ideally you want to work towards being tested together and sharing your results. If you are in an open relationship where one or both of you has other partners then you should be setting up a schedule to have this done regularly but if you are in a closed relationship then testing might be something you do less often.
What is fluid bound?
When a couple (it is usually couple but there is nothing to stop it being a three people or even more) decide to be in a closed relationship together. In other words they commit to only having sexual relationships with each other and no one else, if they all go and get tested at that point and the results are negative then they can decide to stop using barrier methods and they can be referred to as being fluid bound. As long as no one strays outside that bond and has sexual contact with anyone else then all the people within that bonded group can have risk free unprotected sex.
Getting Advice
If you have had unprotected sex, or been exposed to someone who has an STI then you seek medical help. There are lots of Sexual Health Clinics you can attend in the UK or even just go to your GP and discuss it with them.
In the USA depending if you have insurance you might be able to go to your GP but if you don’t have any insurance or not sure if your insurance covers it then your best bet is to go to your nearest Planned Parenthood center.
Getting advice is very important but if you think you might have an STI getting tested and finding out for sure is the key to your future health. If you want to know more about different types of infections, how they can be spread and the possible symptoms associated with them then check out this comprehensive guide. Many STI’s can be treated easily with medication and the earlier you catch them and the easier they are to treat and even those that can’t be cured can be well managed with medication but again, early diagnosis is vital, so be smart, use protection, get tested and encourage all your partners to do the same thing.
How to spice up your Strap On Sex sessions?
When I first indulged in strap on sex with my partner, the intimacy and intensity of that experience were more than enough to have us hooked, but like any sexual activity, familiarity and repetition can dull that flame of lust. Not one to ever settle for less and being a firm believer that variety really is the spice of life, I set about finding new ways to add something extra to our pegging sessions and ultimately find new ways to elevate our arousal to whole new levels. Let’s take a look at some of the ways you can spice up your strap-on sex sessions.
Tips for the person wearing the strap-on:
The assumption is that if you are wearing the strap-on, you will receive very little physical stimulation when pegging your partner and in theory, this does make sense. After all, you are essentially buckling your crotch into a harness and maneuvering your body into various positions that don’t make it easy to reach your own genitals, let alone pleasure them. However, the beauty of strap-on sex is being able to penetrate your partner while at the same time having both hands free to provide further stimulation, connection, and warmth, so with a little imagination and some tweaks here and there, you can make a huge difference to your experience during a pegging session.
Let’s begin with the strap-on harness.
There are many different designs on the market and many manufacturers have given some thought to the pleasure of the wearer. You can find open crotch harnesses (jock strap harnesses, for example) that allow direct, unobstructed access to the genitals and even lingerie style harnesses like the Spare Parts Sasha, which come with pockets built in the gusset area. These pockets can hold small clitoral sex toys, like bullet vibrators. Look out for these options when purchasing your strap-on harness.
Of course, harnesses lacking the above options can still be experimented with. An example would be using the strapping material from harnesses that do cover the genitals (like the thong style, or lingerie style harness), to hold a sex toy in place. Depending on the strength and hold of the material, you could successfully use some harnesses to hold a flat based dildo, or a butt plug inside you and even hold a clitoral vibrator against your body. You might think that harnesses with an open crotch design would not allow for this kind of play but you can still create a similar effect by wearing a pair of tight fitting underwear beneath the harness itself. Experimentation is key.
Your position is also important.
There are certain positions that will make it much harder to access your genitals. An example of this would be him on top. Unless you have exceptionally long arms, you will find that his torso and thighs simply get in the way and your own legs tend to be squeezed together by his thighs anyway. Spoons position will allow you to reach down between your legs, but this position requires you to raise your leg to gain access and that can become tiring very quickly. In my experience, the most successful positions for self-pleasure is doggy style and my personal favorite; them on their back with a pillow under their butt, while I kneel between their legs. This position allows you to reach down between your own legs or alternatively, reach out to stimulate their genitals, while still maintaining eye contact.
Add something extra
Despite finding the perfect strap-on and discovering positions that allow for easier access, it can still be difficult to successfully pleasure yourself. If you are anything like me, you might find it difficult to maintain a rhythmic thrusting motion while trying to stroke yourself at the same time. This is where sex toys come in and one of the easiest and most enjoyable ways to stimulate your own genitals during strap-on sex is through the use of couple’s sex toys, like the We-Vibe 4 and the Lelo Tiani. These C-shaped vibrators are designed to provide a dual stimulation, as one section is inserted into the vagina and the other curves over your vulva, providing a direct and constant stimulation to your clitoris.
A variation of the couple’s vibrator and another sex toy I get a lot of pleasure from during strap-on play is the remote controlled love egg. (The Lelo Lyla is a classic example.) These oval shaped vibrators can be inserted into your vagina before you attach your strap-on harness and they will provide vibrations and stimulation to your g-spot as you thrust, move and even squeeze around them. Love eggs can also be used to stimulate your clitoris, in a similar way to bullet vibrators and thanks to their petite size, you will often find that they fit nicely into those pockets found on certain harnesses. If your harness does not contain pockets, simply use the strapping on your harness, or wear a pair of tight fitting underwear beneath, to hold the sex toy in position.
As you can probably imagine, being able to control your love egg (or any other sex toy) remotely is a huge advantage during strap-on sex, because once the harness is attached, it becomes a lot more difficult to make pattern changes manually. Having a small controller to click is so much easier and I am sure I don’t need to tell you just how exciting it can be to pass that remote to your partner and allow them to control your pleasure as you indulge them in theirs.
Spicing it up for the receiver:
We have proved it possible that the person wearing the harness can receive pleasure and spice up their strap-on experience, but what about the person on the receiving end? It might be said that the receiver is already enjoying themselves, but there are still a number of things you can do to add new sensations to the session for them.
Pick the right dildo
The most obvious thing to consider is the strap-on dildo. These dildos come in a wide range of sizes, shapes, and materials and choosing the right size is important for comfort and ease of use, but beyond this, you should also think about texture and the firmness of the material. Highly textured, firm materials will feel quite intense and imposing, whereas softer materials will conform to the body more, feel gentle and provide a more ‘realistic’ experience. You want to consider the psychological elements at play too. If you or your partner fantasize about being penetrated by a real penis, it would heighten the experience to purchase a dildo that looked realistic, or one designed to ejaculate. Heighten the fantasy and you will heighten the experience for you both.
Alternative options for temperature play include placing your dildo in the fridge, or into a basin of icy cold water for five minutes before use (Do not put the dildo in the freezer. Cold burns are painful) If your partner prefers a warmer experience, simply place the dildo into some hot (not boiling) water before play.
Lube is a must
Now, we all know that lubricant is a must for anal sex, but most of us will not consider how our choice in the lubricant can alter the experience. Silicone or oil based lubricants are among the best for anal sex because they do not dry up quickly and they provide a silky soft buffer that reduces friction. Silicone and water-based lubricants work best for vaginal penetration. For a completely unique sensation though, you should invest in some specialty lubricants that produce cooling, warming or tingling sensations on the skin. Always do a small patch test first, to ensure the sensation is enjoyable and then simply apply a few drops to the dildo, vagina or anus before you begin to penetrate.
Get things buzzing
If you are looking for a way to really ramp up the intensity that he or she feels against their prostate or g-spot, I recommend purchasing a vibrating dildo to use in your strap-on harness. The most common options for strap-on play include remote-controlled vibrating dongs, dildos with a hole in the base, into which you can insert a bullet vibrator and even strapless strap-ons (The latter are also great for providing internal stimulation for both partners at the same time), but if you already have a favourite strap-on dildo and want to experiment with vibration, you could always invest in a vibrating cock ring and attach that to the base of the dildo. Ensure you choose a fairly chunky cock ring, like the Lelo Bo, if you intend on using this for anal sex. You want to avoid any potential risk of losing the ring inside the anus.
Adding a spark
For the daring among you, who fancy trying something completely unique, I recommend introducing electro stimulation to your strap-on sessions. Electro stimulation uses pads, rings, and probes to provide a tingling electrical current that feels somewhat similar to vibrations and these devices can produce a whole range of sensations, from a gentle tingle to an extremely intense buzz. Some devices, like the Electrostim Flick, allow two people to create a circuit between their bodies and you can both share the stimulation from this device. Using an electro stim device in this way turns every touch into a tingling pleasure.
The best advice I can give you though is to never be afraid to experiment, laugh, love and learn together. Go into each session with an open mind and an aim to discover what pleases you and your partner, both mentally and physically. This way, your strap-on sex sessions will not only be mutually fulfilling, but orgasmic for you both.
This blog post was originally written and published by Gritty Woman.
Does a strap on and harness spark your interest?
“Does a strap on harness spark your interest? Well, you’re not alone. Strap on sales are one of the leading in the sex toy industry.
With more and more heterosexual couples becoming interested in pegging play, people are beginning to talk openly about their fantasies, struggles, and experiences.
Surfing the internet it seems, more men fantasize about pegging than there are women who are willing to strap on a dong . On the other hand, I’ve come across many women who wish their man would consider it.
Bringing a strap on into your bedroom can be an anxious moment for a couple. However, once you both begin to feel comfortable with the idea and begin to explore, it can bring a whole new dynamic to your play time.
Mindsets are often the number one thing that hinders us from exploring new pleasures. When it comes to strap on play they often include preconceptions like, if a man enjoys anal stimulation, he must be gay or bisexual. Nothing could be further from the truth. Enjoying P-spot stimulation or the feeling of anal penetration is simply because of the nerve endings that are stimulated which create pleasurable sensations. Everyone’s body has areas that bring feelings of excitement. Indulging in these pleasures, has nothing to do with sexual orientation.
Another mindset that needs to be broken is that men who enjoy anal stimulation are ‘sissy boys’. Quite the contrary, a man who’s open to this type of stimulation is confident in his masculinity and doesn’t feel threatened by this type of play. Did you know that in ‘Old England’, it was totally acceptable for men to wear makeup and wigs? In other cultures, it’s normal for men to wear skirts. It wasn’t even too long ago that men in America wore stockings. Somehow, in the modern Western World, these things are labeled as feminine and inappropriate for ‘a man’ to do.
It seems that all too often, men are thought of as the one to be dominating in the bedroom. Although this may be the norm, men don’t always want to take the leading role. Have you ever heard the term“ she was an animal in the bed”? In fact, many men fantasize about being flipped over, pinned down, and take advantage of. The idea of giving up control is very erotic. Letting go and forgetting about stereotypical roles can be a liberating experience for both genders.
When talking to others about pegging play the number one thing I hear is “How do I get my partner to open up to it ?” Whether you’re a man who is curious about the P-spot orgasm, or you’re the wife who wishes her man would give just an inch and think about it; here are a few things that just might help to pave the way.
- Communication
Try dropping a few hints to your lover and gauge their reactions. Say things similar to… ‘I had this dream last night … that’s crazy; huh?’, or ‘So you want me to try anal sex? That means you’re open to receiving too?’ You could even try watching porn clips involving pegging and talk about it how it might be interesting to try or write them a love letter packed full of your erotic fantasy. Opening the door to talking freely about thoughts, fears, and more; is the perfect way to address mindsets that may be blocking your fun. Who knows, you just might find out that it’s been their fantasy all along too.
- Give them a taste of how great it might feel.
There are a few things that you can do to give your partner a hint of good anal stimulation can feel. Such as, during oral sex, slowly move down and lick the perineum area then move on to anal rimming. Take it slow and savor the moment, it’s sure to help your lover relax and enjoy the erotic sensations. You can even use a vibrator to stimulate this area. As they become comfortable with enjoying it, moving on to penetration may be easier.
- Make it more fun for her.
Sometimes I hear women say, ‘I wish it felt good for me too’. Did you know, there are things you can do to receive stimulation during pegging. Try tucking a bullet vibrator or slender clitoral vibrator behind your harness; the dong should hold it nice and tight in place. Also, you can use a strapless strap-on in the traditional way or with your harness. With the pony end, you receive erotic pleasure with each thrust. Use your imagination, experiment and try different toys to use while you peg your partner; I’m sure you’ll find one that works it’s magic just right for you.
Our journey into pegging play has been a bumpy one. Falling into the typical mindsets, I resisted Hubby’s desires for years. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after years of marriage that I finally agreed to explore with him. To my surprise, it wasn’t long before I became completely comfortable with it and began embracing my inner ‘Butch’. Feeling sexy and able to fulfill Hubby’s desires, when I wear my dong it’s natural and not like a foreign object strapped onto my body. A complete 180 degree turn from how I felt before, now I look forward to our pegging. Hubby and I never miss out on a chance to strut my dong and satisfy his kinky desires.
This blog post was originally written by Lori and published on ThatPosition.
Unfortunately, Lori doesn’t write anymore, so we can’t link it to her website.
Anal Sex Golden Rules – Top Tips
Most of us have heard stories that tell of mind blowing orgasms from anal sex. However, for many, the first time trying anal sex is also the last. When considering the discomfort and sometimes sharp pains running through your bum when trying anal for the first time, it’s easy to understand why most people have only tried anal sex once. But, take it from me, your first time doesn’t have to be your last. With three simple golden rules, you can forget the ‘ouches or yikes’ and become an anal sex rock star.
#1 Go Slow – I know that it’s hard to slow down, especially when taboo territory is fixing to be explored. But, take it from a pro, going slow and taking your time is key to ensuring that both you and your partner have a positive experience.
#2 Warm Up – Warming up the area before you play relaxes tight muscles for what’s to come, making insertion easier.
#3 Lots of Lube – Slippery when wet. Lube helps with the initial insertion and keeps everything slippery making it more fun for both of you.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times that I’ve heard, “nothing goes in my butt, that’s for experts only, or that’s painful”. How can you argue with that? All of these statements are valid feelings. All too often, someone who’s an anal virgin finally warms up to the idea, only to find that it’s painful. Usually, this can be attributed to an overzealous partner who is also inexperienced and tries to force their way in past muscles that aren’t ready to open up.
The physiology is rather simple. The anal opening is controlled by the sphincter muscles which is designed to stay nice and tight. Unlike the vagina, these muscles take a bit of coaxing to open up and be ready for penetration. Going too fast and trying to force them open will only result in it being painful. But not to fear, there are lots of ways to warm up the area.
Just like foreplay helps set the mood, your ass needs a bit or attention before jumping in. A sensual booty massage, oral sex, anal rimming or even intercourse works well. Anal safe sex toys also work wonders. Such as, rubbing a vibrator over the perineum area and around the anal rim or using a butt plug. Butt plugs are especially helpful because they hold open the anal sphincter muscle allowing it to relax and acclimate to being open. I find them really helpful because I can insert a plug before our playtime and when the time is right everything is relaxed and ready. No one size fits all, butt plugs can be purchased in various sizes and shapes, which allows you to choose the style that will work well for you.
Going slow is critical to ensuring that anal sex is enjoyable for the receiver. For most, the first few moments after insertion is a make or break time. This is when people typically say it hurts and give up. If you are the giver do NOT jump in and start pounding away. Instead, take time to savor the moment and have patience. I know it’s hard to hold back, but believe me, your lover will appreciate that you let them take the lead. But just because they are taking the lead and going slow, doesn’t mean that you have to be bored. Kissing your lover and stimulating there other reachable erogenous zones goes a long way to keeping the passion up and helping your lover relax at the same time.
The last of our golden rules is lots of lube. This may seem a bit weird, especially if you’re not used to using lube. But believe me, lube and anal sex are best buds. Unlike the vagina, the rectum doesn’t lubricate itself. Instead, it’s lined with a mucous membrane. Although this works great to help move waste along the intestines, it doesn’t do much to help with the friction of sex. That’s where lube becomes your new best friend. It coats the rectum and provides a slick surface making anal sex much more comfortable. Lube is not just for comfort, using lube also helps to maintain your rectum’s health. Without lube, the thin mucous membrane is susceptible to tearing which increases your chances of contracting Hepatics C. Lube also helps to maintain the longevity of your rectum. Over time, having anal sex without lube can lead to what some refer to as a “worn out hole”. In a nut shell, constant friction and pulling of the sphincter muscle from anal sex without lube can cause the muscle to lose its elasticity making it unable to close tightly.
How much lubricant should you use? When having anal sex, you can never have too much lube. In my bedroom, when preparing for anal sex, we make sure to lube both the giver and the receiver. We apply lube before insertion and, many times, he’ll pull right back out and apply more lube. We always keep the lube close at hand in case more is needed while we play. Something I’ve noticed during both anal and strapon sex is that the bottom side of his member or my dildo tends to lack sufficient lube causing a bit of discomfort when penetrating. To make sure things are slippery and comfortable, we tend to go extra slow at first taking our time to apply more lube. It maybe be a bit messy, but it’s well worth a little mess.
Not one of my anal sex golden rules, but often a concern of those who are new to anal pleasures is the possibility of a mess. This fear is completely understandable, no one wants to discover an accident in the middle of their fun. Not to worry, with a bit of preparation, accidents are unlikely. Such as, having a normal bowel movement and using an anal douche to rinse the bits out of your rectum. Typically this is enough to ensure that things are nice and clean prior to anal sex. In all honesty, after a few years of enjoying anal sex on a regular basis, we’ve only had an accident a few times. Although it can be embracing, it’s not something to freak out over. For us, we keep a box of baby wipes nearby in case a quick cleanup is needed. Although it happens rarely, Hubby is always very kind about the situation and will help me relax before he excuses himself to wash off. Although the receiver is often freaked out to find that they’ve caused a mess, the giver typically realizes that it was unintentional and not the end of the world. However, if you are worried about the possibility, wearing a condom during anal sex makes for quick and easy clean up when needed.
When the topic of anal sex is brought up, it’s not something to cringe at. Following these golden rules will help ensure that it’s a positive experience for you both. Share them with your partner and use the rules to help open up a healthy discussion about anal sex. Equipped with knowledge before you jump in. I’m sure you’ll find that anal sex can be an extremely gratifying sexual experience.
This blog post was originally written by Lori and published on ThatPosition.
Unfortunately, Lori doesn’t write anymore, so we can’t link it to her website.
The picture was taken by Lori.
The Sensual Side to Strap-On Sex
When I type the words “Strap-on sex” or “pegging” into my search engine, a multitude of porn clips, erotic stories and informative guides show up. As I scroll through these results, it becomes apparent that the strap-on is most often portrayed as a tool used by dominant females, to make a male submissive feel powerless, emasculated or humiliated. In some cases, the male seems to endure this act (through pain and gritted teeth) in order to fully submit. Now, there are those among us (myself included), who find it highly erotic to use a strap-on in this way and there is certainly nothing wrong with this dynamic, but with very little information surrounding the sensual, intimate side to strap-on sex, it is easy to see why the idea of pegging can intimidate those who have no interest in BDSM or power exchange dynamics. For some, this image is enough to put them off altogether, which is a shame. So today I want to discuss the sensual side to strap-on sex and why you should consider adding it to your sexual repertoire.
So let me begin by reassuring the dubious, that strap-on sex, like any other sexual proclivity, can be enjoyed by anyone, in any kind of relationship, with any kind of dynamic and you should indulge in a way that titillates you and your partner, not the rest of the world. Sex should be enjoyable after all. It can be difficult to find the truth behind the myths and see through the stereotypes, but when you get right down to it; that is all they are. Indulging in strap-on sex sessions does not “make” you anything (homosexual, submissive or anything else you feel you are not), it is simply a new experience, a tool that provides new sensations. Strap-on sex can be tender, erotic and completely pain-free. I refer to this as sensual pegging. The dictionary defines the word “sensual” as “arousing gratification of the senses and physical, especially sexual, pleasure”. Some of our most intense sexual experiences and most vivid memories arise when we stimulate multiple senses (Sight, touch, sound, taste and smell) and with this in mind, it is easy to imagine why so many people enjoy sensual strap-on sex. The harness can be used to stimulate multiple senses at once. Let’s take a deeper look.
Sight
Visual information plays a large part in building our arousal (this is especially true for males) and the strap-on harness provides a veritable feast for the eyes. You are stimulating this particular sense from the moment you slip into your harness and it doesn’t (and shouldn’t) end there. In fact, there are many ways you can use the strap-on, to tease your partner visually. Start by considering the overall look (or fantasy) you want to fulfill and then team your strap-on harness with some beautiful lingerie, or even a sexy outfit to suit. (Naked works for many too). Dressing to suit the mood can really help you gain confidence and encourage you to explore new roles more deeply, which can heighten the fantasy. I also recommend that you imagine your strap-on dildo is a real appendage between your legs, because this mindset opens up new, imaginative possibilities. For example, try walking around the room, allowing your partner to watch as the dildo bobs and juts out suggestively, then let them watch as you apply lubricant and begin to stroke and caress the dildo, just as you would a real penis. If the thought appeals, you could even consider
purchasing an ejaculating dildo, for even more visual effect. When it comes to penetration, try getting into positions that allow your partner to watch your hips rolling and thrusting. This incredibly erotic movement is arousing for most people. To add the final flourish, don’t forget to make eye contact occasionally.
Pro tip: When you remove one of the senses, it amplifies the others. If you want to elevate your partner’s sense of touch, for example, consider blindfolding them beforehand.
Touch
Physical contact can be electric and while it is possible to penetrate your partner without using a strap-on (using fingers and toys), there are some elements that can only be appreciated with a strap-on harness. The ability to penetrate while keeping both hands free is just one of these amazing benefits. With your hands free to wander, you can caress and stimulate your partner in a variety of ways and different positions provide different opportunities to touch. Some positions, like spoons and missionary, allow for full body contact and cuddling, which feels more intimate than sitting between your partner’s legs with a sex toy. There are many ways to use a strap-on, to tease and tantalize your partner’s sense of touch. Experiment by tapping the dildo against their thighs and buttocks, sliding it along their body, or even pressing it against them as you embrace. You could ask them to stroke the dildo as they would a real penis and for the adventurous among you, kiss, lick and suck it. To heighten the sensations during penetration apply a tingling, or cooling lubricant to the dildo before insertion, or whip out the massage oils for a really tactile, full body experience.
Taste
You might be wondering how on earth the sense of taste can be evoked during sensual strap-on sex, but with a little imagination, it can. Just as it is much more difficult to caress your lover without a free hand, it also makes it harder to kiss and lick your partner intimately, while sat between their legs. Of course, using a strap-on will make it difficult to provide oral sex, but it gives you carte blanche to indulge in some passionate kissing, neck nibbling and licking. Mouth to skin contact feels highly intimate.
Sound
Not only is communication sexy (think of the time someone whispered something hot into your ear and you melted into a hot pool of lust), it is also helps you discover each other’s desires. Knowing what your partner likes, or doesn’t like, can help you tailor your sessions to suit. If you already enjoy dirty talk, then let it be known by speaking up during your session. If you feel a little shy about vocalising your passion, remember that a sexy moan, sigh or whimper can speak volumes. To help you feel more comfortable communicating in the bedroom, begin by asking questions, or telling your partner your thoughts.
Smell
Our sense of smell is also an important, but often overlooked element to sexual arousal and the strap-on lets you penetrate your partner in positions that allow for closeness. Being able to hold each other closely, gives you the opportunity to breathe in the scent of your partner’s hot skin, perfume and kisses. You can heighten this sense by using scented massage oils to stroke, or slide up against your partner’s body during penetration.
The most important point to take away from this article is that strap-on sex can be anything you want it to be. Some enjoy it rough and animalistic, while others prefer a more sensual, playful experience. The amazing thing about pegging is that it provides both physical and psychological pleasure and you can take advantage of this, using the strap-on harness to stimulate a variety of senses and fulfil a variety of fantasies, to mind blowing effects.
This post was originally written by Gritty Woman and published on That Position
What Is Body Positivity?
As loyal Godemiche followers may know, there was a recent social media incident where Adam expressed a less-than-favourable opinion of pubic hair, and many body-positive folks understandably took this as a major offense. While Adam and Monika issued a sincere apology, they also saw the opportunity to take a mistake and turn it into a learning experience to educate both themselves and others about body positivity. It’s a word we hear regularly around these parts, but it’s not something anyone’s often looking to define; for that reason, I was thrilled to be a part of this project both as a blogger, and as a fan of Godemiche.
In preparation to write this post, I read a lot of articles on the definition of body positivity, trying to put into words exactly what it means to love yourself and in what ways this is often practiced. But you know what? None of those articles satisfied me; everyone wanted to be specific, defining body positivity as something as simple as size acceptance or fat acceptance. These are both crucial pillars of which body positivity stands upon, but I’d like to think that in this day and age, body positivity comes down to one simple thing: your body.
To worry about whether you’re too fat or too thin to be loved by society, yourself, or those around you, is a parasite that seems to live in your brain forever. But what if those aren’t your issues, or at least, not your only issues? What if you hate your patchy skin, your thick leg hair, your big teeth, or that obvious scar on your arm? What if your genitals don’t live up to how society thinks they should look, or even more, what if your genitals don’t match up with the person you are at all? Where is the body positivity for these folks?
It’s for everyone. Loving your body is for every person experiencing self-doubt around their physical experience, and this doesn’t just mean size. Our bodies have a lot going on, and society has a lot of ingrained behavior that likes to tell us what is right and wrong – but that in itself is wrong. The only person who can decide you look good, is you.
I don’t think I could find a straight definition of what body positivity is, because it is really so many things.
What body positivity is:
- To recognize that no body is perfect, and that we are all worthy of love no matter our perceived flaws
- To celebrate these flaws and learn to love them as a part of ourselves
- To accept ourselves and others just as we are, and to see the beauty in all bodies
- To not give in to society’s standards, just because you feel it’s the thing you should do
- To express yourself through your body – whether it be tattoos, body hair, or wearing whatever you want – because it makes you feel damn good
What body positivity isn’t:
Glorification of Obesity
I’ve encountered some people who seem to think that fat acceptance is celebrating an unhealthy lifestyle and encouraging others to join – like a cult. (In fairness, telling me to eat pizza is probably the quickest way to get me to join a cult) But this is an image that needs to be broken; for one reason, because it’s not true. It’s just not. But the other reason is because if you buy into this, then you’re fat-shaming those who are a part of the body-positive movement by bringing faux “concern for your health” into the picture. Many think the health platform is an acceptable way to practice fat-shaming, but it’s not; it’s simply a more self-righteous way. You don’t truly care about our health; you just don’t like how what we look like doesn’t line up with what you think is acceptable.
A Way to Guilt Others
It should go without saying that a movement involving positivity of any kind should have no association with guilt, but it needs to be said. For instance, the diet and fitness community has a way of making us doubt ourselves in the form of before/after photos. How many transformations have you seen where the author states how much he or she hated themselves, how ugly they were, and how they NEEDED to lose weight? How many times have they proclaimed “never again” or “going to the gym is the only kind of body positivity”? There is no right and wrong kind of body positivity – if it makes you feel good and it’s a step towards being content with who you are as a physical person, then it’s not wrong. Just because one person found their body-positive journey one way, doesn’t mean that’s the way for you.
A Marketing Tactic
With the mainstreaming of the body-positive movement, it unfortunately brings about companies using it as a buzzword to sell everything from jeans to diet plans, touting how becoming your “better self” is what body positivity is all about. While nurturing your body in a physical sense is, of course, an act of self-love, claiming that these capitalist ways are the path to body love is false; body positivity is in the mind.
Now that we’ve established that, let’s visit just a few of the physical aspects that body positivity can include, depending on who you are.
Size Acceptance
As a pillar of the body-positive movement, learning to accept the size of ourselves and others has been a long road. When I’m not plagued with doubt while staring myself in the mirror and grabbing at my tum, I’m hearing other people remark on how “she’s too big to be wearing that” or “maybe she should eat a sandwich”. How on earth are we supposed to feel good when we’re surrounded by a constant negative dialogue stating how we SHOULD feel?
Accepting our size is the first step towards loving ourselves; if you’re already very happy with your weight, then congrats! You’ve crossed the first and most common hurdle into body positivity! But if not, simply look around and find beauty in all those around you; I often find myself looking at a woman on the subway and thinking “Wow she’s gorgeous. And she’s bigger than I am.” These moments call attention to the fact that our size is not the defining factor in our appearance, and it is definitely not the deciding factor in our self worth.
Body Hair
Pretty much all humans have body hair, and yet all genders face a stigma over this natural state (some more than others). Women are shaving themselves to resemble an Olympic swimmer from head to toe, while men hear all about brozilans and why they MUST wax their back hair. There’s no way to win… except to embrace what you love.
I for one prefer to keep smooth underarms and a trimmed vulva, and I even like the routine of shaving my legs in the tub; not everyone does, and that’s alright! Your body hair is no one else’s businesses, and while others can freely express a personal preference, they have no right to take away your comfort. Shaving is hard work, and for some, shaving the pubic area can be downright painful; discuss with your partners about what makes you both comfortable, while both acknowledging that what you do have is perfectly natural. There should never be any shame in owning your bush (no matter where it is).
Skin Issues
Many people will argue that something as simple as skin doesn’t have a place within the body-positive community, but how is that possible? It is literally the casing for our entire body. Even before size, skin is the part of us that others see first, and it’s not always ideal. Ranging from those who hate their freckles or struggle with psoriasis, to the extremes of skin disorders like vitiligo, which is the loss of skin-darkening melanin in places all over the body. These days, freckles are celebrated rather than concealed, and even models with vitiligo are making a splash, but it’s not always so easy. Seeing yourself represented in the media is always fantastic, but this rarely changes the gnawing self-doubt, and body-positivity is there to help with the self-criticism that we all know so well.
Gender Dysphoria
This is an issue that stems well beyond body positivity, but it deserves a place within this community. Trans or non-binary folks may feel like they were born in the wrong body, with genitals and gender-biased features that don’t match up with their gender identity. If you think it’s hard to look in the mirror and see a flaw that you don’t feel belongs, then imagine that applying to the rest of your body. It’s a tough journey, and the brave people who reject the judgment and embrace their natural beauty deserve their body positivity moments as well.
For many, it comes in the form of mantras like, “I am strong” and “my body loves me” to remind them every day that there is nothing wrong with their body just as it is. Of course for others, transitioning is the most body-positive act for their life. In fact, this is one thing that some people in the body positive community wont tell you or even admit themselves: sometimes body positivity means changing something about yourself. There’s no shame in tweaking something to better fit what you feel is inside you, whether that’s something as minor as a new tattoo, or as major as sex reassignment surgery.
There is never a wrong way to love yourself.