[First, a quick note on terms: I am a queer, cisgender woman and am writing from that perspective. However, I have used the term “vulva-owners” and gender-neutral pronouns in this piece as much as possible in order to be more inclusive in my language. Not everyone who has a vulva is a woman, and not all women have vulvas!]
Strap-on sex is amazing. I love both giving and receiving penetration with a strap-on, regardless of the gender or genital configuration of my partner. But how can you get the best out of this often misunderstood sex act?
Let’s Bust Some Myths!
“Queer women who want to be penetrated with a strap-on are actually straight.” Nope! The sex acts you engage in (or the toys you use) have precisely nothing to do with your sexual orientation. A queer-identified person who wants to be vaginally penetrated with a strap-on isn’t secretly wishing they were having sex with a cis man, I promise. Orientation is based on who you do the things with (or don’t,) not on the things you do.
“Using a big dildo will stretch out my vagina permanently.” Again, no. Vaginas are muscles and muscles are pretty incredible things – they stretch and then spring back to their original state. No sex toy – or bio cock – can permanently stretch your vagina.
“The person doing the penetrating doesn’t get any pleasure.” In my experience, this is absolutely not true. There are all kinds of ways to ensure the penetrating partner gets pleasure too – some harnesses have little pockets where you can put a small vibrator to stimulate the wearer’s clitoris, and you can even get “strapless strap-ons” (think the Feeldoe) where one end sits inside the giver’s vagina while they penetrate their partner with the other end. (Note: I do not recommend these for beginners as they’re more difficult to use and control than standard strap-ons.) There’s also pleasure beyond the physical. For me, the “thud” of muscle on muscle as I fuck my partner, and the sounds and expressions of pleasure they make, are hugely gratifying in and of themselves.
Now that we’ve got those out of the way, let’s move on.
Picking the Right Gear
Godemiche recently published a fabulous piece on picking the right harness so do check that out. Personally I recommend picking something comfortable, adjustable, and with the ability to change the ring size so that you can use different dildos with it.
The next step is choosing your dildo. There are four main things to consider:
- Body safety! You want a non-porous and non-toxic material. For a strap-on dildo, that means going for pure silicone. Buy your toys from a reputable manufacturer or retailer, not on eBay or Amazon!
- Size. I recommend starting small if you’re not used to being penetrated regularly. You can always work up. Another option, if you can afford to, is to buy a selection of dildos of different sizes to play with.
- Texture. Some people love being penetrated with textured dildos – think ridges, bumps or realistic “veins”. Others, like me, find it painful. If in doubt I recommend starting with a smooth toy.
- Base. Your dildo needs to have a wide enough base to hold it securely in your harness. Look for words like “flared base,” “strap-on compatible” or “harness compatible” in the product listing.
And finally, don’t forget lube! If you’re using a silicone dildo, you need a good quality, water-based lubricant. Even if you or your partner produces a lot of lubrication naturally, a little extra can’t hurt and will help prevent any bad pain from happening. I recommend Sliquid.
Now the Fun Part!
Okay, you’re all set and you’re ready to have some strap-on fun! I hope these tips will help you and your partner get the most out of the experience.
First, try to take the pressure off yourselves. The goal shouldn’t be for the receptive partner to have taken your biggest dildo up to the hilt by the end of the night. The goal should simply be for you both to have a lovely, connective, sexy time together.
I don’t like the term “foreplay” (the acts we usually refer to as “foreplay” are part of sex!) but for want of a better term, it will have to do for now. So: plenty of foreplay. Start with cuddling, kissing, making out and touching each other until you’re both really turned on. Some people like to have an orgasm – or several – before being penetrated at all. If that’s the case, you can do hand sex, oral sex, play with toys, or masturbate together.
When it’s time for penetration, positioning is important – and what’s comfortable will depend on the size, shape and ability level of your bodies. I’m quite short, so I like to kneel between my partner’s legs and use a pillow or two to lift their hips up, giving me better access to their vagina. You can also use a piece of sex furniture such as a Liberator wedge, if that helps – this can be particularly useful for those in bigger bodies or with limited mobility. Other positions include the receptive partner on their back on the bed while the giving partner stands; missionary; doggie; or on your sides in the “spooning” position. Let your imaginations run wild and position yourselves in whatever way feels natural and comfortable.
You may need to guide the dildo into your partner’s vagina manually. Don’t be afraid to do this – better to have a little help from your hand than to go in at the wrong angle and cause them pain. Slide inside slowly at first, and give them time to adjust to the sensation.
The main tool you need is, of course, communication. Don’t be afraid to communicate verbally before, during and after strap-on play. You don’t need to carry on a full conversation during (unless you want to!) of course, but using your words is an important and underrated skill. Phrases like “How does that feel?” “Are you ready for me to go deeper?” and “Please let me know if anything hurts” are really useful for the penetrating partner. And phrases such as “Harder,” “Slow down a bit” and even “Can we change position, my leg’s going to sleep?” are useful if you’re the one being penetrated.
Try different types of movement. It’s not all about pounding! Try thrusting, try moving your hips in circles while your dildo is inside your partner, try moving the dildo very slowly just a few inches in and out, and try holding still and having your partner clench their vaginal walls around the dildo. Pay attention to the reactions you get and, again, communicate.
Let’s Talk About Orgasm!
The vast majority of people with vulvas do not experience orgasm from penetration alone. This doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, and it doesn’t mean they’re broken! If you’re struggling with this, read Emily Nagoski’s amazing book, Come As You Are. In general, I don’t recommend making orgasm your main or only goal, because goal-oriented sex tends to feel too pressured to be fun. However, if the receiving partner would like to try to reach orgasm during your strap-on play and doesn’t get there just from penetration, you’ll need to introduce some clitoral stimulation. (Even if orgasm isn’t necessarily your aim, lots of people really like having their clitoris stimulated while they’re being penetrated!)
Rub your partner’s clit with your fingers while you fuck them, or have them touch themselves if they prefer – or you could use a vibrator, from a small bullet vibe right up to a mains-powered wand. Whatever feels good for you both, do it. Some people will want you to thrust hard and fast as they get close to orgasm, and others will want you to stop moving and just hold your dildo inside them. The only way to know your partner’s preference is to ask and to follow their body language, so do that!
What if it goes wrong?
In sex, as in life, sometimes things won’t go the way you want them to. Perhaps the receiving partner experiences pain as soon as you try to penetrate them (if this happens regularly, see a doctor.) Or perhaps you just bump their cervix or go in at slightly the wrong angle and it hurts. Perhaps everything’s going well, but one or both of you just can’t quite get off. That’s okay! Things might not go perfectly, the first time or any subsequent time. The key to good sex isn’t everything being perfect, it’s learning how to roll with the punches and adjust.
Good sex should never hurt unless it’s consensual, safely applied pain. So if it hurts, stop! Receiving partners, listen to me: please do not endure pain because you think it’s what your partner wants. No-one who loves you will be okay with hurting you in a way you don’t like.
Try not to see needing to stop or change something as a failure. You’re exploring each other’s bodies and this new activity. If you need to switch position, switch position. If you need a break, take a break. If you need to stop and do something else… you see where I’m going with this. Everything that goes wrong is a learning experience. With tonnes of mutual respect, affection, good communication and emphasis on consent, nothing truly terrible is going to happen – promise.
Congratulations, you’re done! I hope you had a wonderful time. Now have a long cuddle, tell your partner they’re awesome, and sterilise that dildo! (Boil it in a pot of water on the stove for about ten minutes.) Next time, maybe the other person will wear the cock…?
Anal douching/enema’s are something we talk about often but as a general rule we find no one knows what they are. So we have put together our beginners guide to anal douching/enema.
However if you prefer watching to reading then jump straight to the bottom of this post and watch our video on the subject
What does an anal douche/enema look like?
An anal douche has a bulbous base, the bulbous base is hollow and can be made of plastics, silicone or rubber. The bulbous base is hollow and holds a small amount of water. At the top of the bulbous base is a nozzle, water is squeezed from the base up through the nozzle and into your butt.
The body passes poo out the bum hole and douching is a way of cleaning your butt for anal sex. If your anxious about getting shit all over your dick then douching can help alleviate that concern. It’s also much cleaner for general penetration and also other things such as anal rimming.
Douching on a daily basis is not recommended as it can affect the intestinal microflora, disturbing the balance of your bowel. A simple and easy way for a cleaner dowel is a high-fibre healthier diet and less greasy foods will stiffen up your poo and greatly reduce the need to douche.
How to use a douche
Buy yourself an anal douche. We DO NOT recommend sharing anal douche even if it’s completely cleaned. Having your own anal douche reduces the chance of spreading intestinal parasites or certain STIs.
Fill the bulbous base with lukewarm water. Then carefully insert the nozzle in to your butt and squeeze in the water no need to squeeze in all the water. Pro tip, lube up the tip so it goes in nice and smoothly. Also make sure the water is lukewarm, cold water will give you cramps, hot water can scold your insides. With the water inside you, hold it there in your butt for a couple of seconds, standing up is easier to hold on the water inside. After a couple of seconds sit down on the toilet and release all the water. You need to get up and look at the water, if the toilet water is not clear then you need to repeat the douching process again, fill up the douche, stick it in, squeeze, release, check. You want to repeat this steps until the waters clear. If you have done this 6 time and the water is not clear then we recommend you accept today’s not a butt day and stop.
Take a couple of moments to make sure all the waters out. A common mistake is that they people don’t get all the water out and that water makes an appearance when your having anal sex. It’s not pleasant and avoidable so just take a couple of seconds to make sure it’s all gone.
Once the water runs clear then it’s time for a shower because you can’t be too clean when it comes to butt play. Wash your butt, don’t put soap in side your butt.
So that was our simple steps to anal douching. We hope it helps and if you have any questions please get in contact.
Douching really is as simple as it sounds you just have to take your time.
Today’s topic is pegging positions.
Doggy, Missionary & Cowboy are the 3 main positions for pegging that we enjoy. Each of these positions can be adapted with slight variation in body position or different locations and furniture such as beds or chairs.
And if reading is not your thing than jump straight to the bottom and watch our video on this subject instead.
So let’s start with the one everyone will know, doggy style. The person being pegged is at the bottom on hands an knees and the pegger is the one behind them on their knees.
It’s a simple position that involves the pegger doing all the work.
This position is great for more focused prostate stimulation also and also the person doing the pegging a great of movement. If you are new to pegging though take it easy at first as it is a new sensation that the person being pegged will need time to get used to.
Top tip – if your using a curved dildo like our Ambit, then turn it round so the dildo points down and not up. Your prostate is between the bladder and the tummy, so when your on your hands and knees to get the most prostate stimulation make sure your toy curves down towards the prostate not away from it.
Another staple sex position of the bedroom but this time round he is on the bottom and she is on top. While laying on your back raise your legs towards your chest, your probably going to want to hold your legs.
As a pegger if your feeling especially dominant you can take hold of their legs and force them back. Taking control can add to the experience for both of you, remember this is a change of positions for you both, sometimes you want to be dominated and that feeling of just being fucked is hot.
This position is great if you love watching. Laying on your back you get to see everything, her face, her boobs, your cock. Talking about cocks, this position is the best for having unrestricted access to your cock and allows you to look into each others eyes as you share this experience together.
Top tip – have a pillow handy to place under your lower back. It will raise you up just a little making penetration easier and enhancing the feeling.
Yep you got it just like cow girl but he does the riding. It lets your have complete control over how quick, how deep and just exactly how much you want to stimulate the prostate.
Much more of a relaxed position for the pegger who lays on there back and enjoys the show. As a pegger this is also a good position for playing with their cock as you don’t have to concentrate on anything other than enjoying the show.
Top tip – this is a great position to play around with edging. Edging is where you get almost to the point of orgasm, then stop and this is repeated. The build up of almost having an orgasm repeatedly can make for a more explosive orgasm when you finally do.
In summery these are 3 pegging positions we believe you should try first, each having a different sensation for you both to experience. It’s ok not to like them all, everyone is different and it’s all about finding whats enjoyable for you. When you find what you like then you can explore different variations on that position.
Let us know your top tips and what position or positions you enjoy the most when it comes to pegging in the comments below.
When I’m out at fetish markets I regularly get asked all sorts of questions but some of the most common ones asked revolve around anal and prostate play. What starts as a timidly asked question turns in to a cascade of other related questions people have around anal and I am always more than happy to answer them as best I can.
So in a bid to help as many people as we can we have decided to make a series of sex education videos which we will be posting on our YouTube channel over the next few months. We are focusing on the topics YOU most often ask us about starting this week with the all things prostate related.
Here are the 5 most common questions about sex and prostates that I generally get asked… and if you don’t feel like reading skip to the bottom of the page and watch our video for the answers instead.
What is the prostate?
The prostate is a walnut sized gland that is found between the bladder and the penis. It’s also called the p-spot and also the male g-spot.
What does the prostate do?
The prostate creates a fluid that’s found in semen. The fluid is added to the sperm as you ejaculate, think of it as helpfully lubricant that nourishes and helps sperm on it journey.
What is a prostate orgasm like?
Well you know how an orgasm feels, the moment you know your going to cum and it feels like the world slows down, you cum and you just feel relieved and a little spasmie, or is that just me? Anyway a prostate orgasm is just like that but some how amplified more. O an twinkly stars, you can’t forget the twinkling stars you get in your eyes, like with a migraine but intensely pleasurable. And there tends to be more semen produced as well.
How do you get to the prostate?
The easiest way is a finger up the bum. Your can find it by putting a finger up your your bum and curling it up towards your tummy. You don’t have to go very far into your bottom, only one and a half to two inches in. Curling your finger up a little will allow you to feel your prostate through the rectal walls. The prostate itself feels soft, squishy, the size of a walnut and it moves around a little as you try to touch it.
Why is a prostate orgasm so good?
I can tell you how it feels but past that really I can’t give a reason as to why it’s so dam good, it just is. You have to try it to fully know why. Nothing ventured nothing gained, but I’m almost certain that if you do venture and take your time your going to enjoy it.
Do you have a question you would like to ask us? Is there a topic you would like to see us tackle in one of our videos? Leave a comment here and you might just get a video made for you.
Picking the right strapon harness might be a little bit confusing at the beginning. There are so many styles and variations to choose from that it feels like you want to pick them all just to see how they look on you. Been there done that! You’re not alone.
So let us help you to get to know the styles of the strapon harnesses so that you might get a better idea of which one would suit you.
Overall there are three styles of Strapons. So lets start from the most popular:
1.Joque Style Harness
This strapon is great to start with but at the same time it is very confusing to put it on. So you might look at the images on the box explaining how to put this strapon on or watch YouTube videos. Joque Style Harness has a strap around your waist so its secure, also two separate straps around your tights. The straps are long enough for almost every person so there’s no worry about the size. The beautiful thing about that is you can always cut the rest which you don’t need. My favorite from this style is from Sportsheet Red Lace Corsette Strapon. So sexy!
The best thing about Joque style harness for me is crotchless feature. My personal tips:
- while penetrating your partner with a strapon dildo stop for a moment and let him please you for a bit with their tongue.
- change the position to sixty nine and please each other together. Let your partner to lick you and vice versa. It really spice things up and gives that little twist in the whole play.
- use a vibrator or dildo to please yourself and let your partner watch you.
- wear a strapless dildo to penetrate both of you. The strapon harness holds a dildo nicely.
You can really play around and use your imagination with different positions when using Joques style Harness. It also feels so damn sexy and gives you confidence when it’s on.
2. Thong style Harness
It reminds me of the thong underwear. This harness is not for everyone, you might find it difficult if don’t like the feel of a string in your bum. The strap between your legs might rub the lady parts which might give you a pleasure but it could also be irritating during the sexy time. So it really comes down to personal choice. My advice: just try it and everything will be clear.
3. Panty Style Harness
There are so comfortable!!! This would be my second choice from all of the styles. There are like pants that you wear for a trip and forget that it’s a strapon. They come in a three types ,panties, boxers and crotchless. With this style you’ll have to measure your thighs and waist to get the right size. The only down thing about this style is that the O-Ring doesn’t change, but don’t worry there are some stabilizers inserts to make it a bit easier like the one from Rodeoh, but do your research first. The panty style harnesses are really very simple.
Now let’s talk about the features you may find on some of the harnesses we’ve spoke about.
Strapon Harnesses are made from different materials like leather, nylon, cotton, spandex, latex, pvc or polyester. It really is about your personal preference but remember the more expensive the material such as leather the more money you’ll have to pay.
Some of the strapons come with a little bullet pockets so you can slide your bullet vibrator in which will give you that extra pleasure on your clit during pegging. We always use Rocks Off RO80 simply because they are so powerfull and fit perfectly in the little pocket.
O-rings are very important if you want to take your pegging play to the next level and try different bigger sizes of the dildo. The O-Rings can be easily changed with the pop studs. Usually there are three sizes 1.5, 1.75 and 2.0inch.
For a look at the three different styles check out out video below.
It really does not seem all that long ago that we were here discussing Christmas shopping, but time flies when you are gift buying and now it is time to turn our attention to the annual day of all things love and passion; Valentines.
There of course the traditional gifts that the supermarkets love to stock in abundance, chocolates, alcohol, flowers and increasingly valentines themed underwear but for those of you looking to buy something a little bit different here are some suggestions that might take your fancy and hopefully those of the person(s) you fancy as well.
What better way to treat your partner than with a whole book of sexy. Sexy and erotic stories that is. This acclaimed anthology is the third in the current series edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel and is guaranteed to be jammed pack full of both established and exciting new writers to the genre.
I am absolutely in love with this matching necklace set. I think it would be such a lovely gift to share with a lover or even a best friend. Each necklace also has a tiny silver star which can be personalized with a letter of your choosing and if these don’t appeal then not to worry as this site is full of beautiful and unusual jewelry to pick from and at very reasonable prices too.
Ever fancied indulging your kinky desires in a beautiful dungeon environment? If so then this is the place for you. Situated near High Wycombe you can hire the dungeon for a miniumn of four hours or splash out on a luxurious over night stay. Now that would be a Valentine night to remember!
Do you have someone in your life who likes to paint their nails? If so then why not treat them to a select of these super bright nail polish colours from Latex Leather and Lace. Not only will they have eye catching nails during the day but in the right light this polish glows in the dark!
This amazingly beautiful choker is not everyday wear as it is definitely going to make a statement, a bold, sexy erotic statement! Bijous indiscrets has a wonderful selection of erotic accessories to pick from but this choker really jumped out at us as something that could look amazing with both your dress on and off!
What better way to show your partner that you love them then presenting them with a beautiful leather flogger. Not a traditional gift by any means but if impact play is something you enjoy then this is surely a gift that will be treasured. It comes in red, black, chocolate brown or purple and has a black stained oak handle.
When we said this was a list of unique gifts we meant it and nothing is more unique than this stunning finger claw ring. You can pick your diamante colour stone to best suit the person you are buying this for and it is fully adjustable so you don’t need to worry about it fitting.
Despite this being listed by the seller as for a ‘boyfriend’ we are definitely not promoting this as a gift for a man because we believe that gender does not dictate what you like or don’t like however this one definitely has a masculine feel to it. The clasp is made from stainless steel and can be in silver or black and you can have it engraved on just the front or on both sides and the leather comes in a brown or black option. We think this would be a very sexy and alternative gift to give to someone this Valentine
And if all that does not work for you then how about saying I love you with hearts, beautiful colourful hearts encased in silicone and shaped to bring your loved one some glorious pleasure. This year our red Be My Valentine is being joined with Blue, Green, Orange, Yellow, Pink and Purple hearts in all our toys (except for The Apex) However if something from this range tickles your fancy then be warned they are a limited run item and will only for sale until the 16th February!
With all the intrigue and mystery surrounding the topic of “squirting” along side the wide spread belief it is the zenith of sexual achievement and ecstasy, it’s little surprise that it has become such a popular and widely searched category within the porn world.
According to the detailed set of insights recently published by Pornhub, “squirt” was one of top 10 most searched terms in the United Kingdom in 2016. Squirting is also one of the most popular categories overall across the Pornhub website, and interestingly the term “squirting orgasm” is one of the most commonly searched terms by women.
Despite its popularity and the vast amount of pornographic footage it’s featured in, squirting continues to be a highly misunderstood natural sexual phenomenon, and the way it is continually represented in porn hinders rather than helps its cause.
Here are six common squirting myths you might believe as a result of what you see in porn:
1. Squirting is the same as urination
A female ejaculatory response can manifest in two ways; female ejaculation or squirting.
Female ejaculate is produced from the two paraurethral glands, known as the Skene’s Glands, located at the bottom of the urethra. These glands are also known as the ‘female prostate’ and the fluid produced is chemically similar to, and even looks like, male ejaculate (minus the sperm). Comparatively, when squirting or ‘gushing’ occurs, a larger amount of clear water-like fluid is expelled from the urethra.
So much wasted time is given to the ongoing petty debate over whether squirting and female ejaculation are valid, or whether female ejaculation is the “real deal” whilst squirting is just peeing.
This ill-informed ‘peeing’ stigma keeps sticking tight despite the numerous accounts from she-jaculative ladies who know from first-hand experience that squirting is an entirely different bodily function to urination. Moreover, that the fluid produced does not smell, look or taste like piss.
As with many ironic and straight-up stupid idiosyncrasies of life, a natural bodily phenomenon which is shamed by many as being “gross” or “weird”, is at the same time touted as a unicorn sexual experience. Consensus from the general public is split between viewing squirting as “gross,” and wanting to know how to do it, and wanting to watch it.
2. The squirting you see in porn is always 100% real
Unless you experience squirting as a part of your own sex life, there’s really only one place you can easily access (supposed) depictions of squirting. That’s right: porn.
Only problem is, all is not what it seems.
Thanks to the high demand of squirting videos in porn over recent years, adult film stars have adopted tricks and developed techniques in order to fake squirting. The vast majority that is depicted in porn is usually nothing more than well-orchestrated urination. No wonder so many people have got the wrong idea about squirting; what they seeing in porn isn’t even real.
A popular technique porn stars use to imitate squirting is over-hydration: drinking copious amounts of water and taking electrolyte powders before filming in order to produce a spray of clear fanny fluid on demand. Some will also fill their vaginas with water prior to the scene starting, and train their vaginal muscles to release the fluid at the pivotal moment of climax. This doesn’t give us an accurate representation of squirting, and let’s be honest it’s probably not too healthy either.
3. Everything you see in porn is fake
Similar to other common misconceptions about the porn industry (i.e. that all adult film stars hate their job, only do it for the money and all orgasms are faked) some of the depictions of squirting that you see in porn could, in fact, to be real.
As mentioned, the majority of squirting is staged through tactics such as inserting packets of water into vaginas to shoot out at the crucial moment in a scene, or drinking copious amounts of water to ensure thats urine comes out with the same appearance as ejaculative fluid.
However, there are women who genuinely have the ability to squirt and it’s therefore not too far-fetched to believe that some of the footage of squirting – particularly amateur – is real, and that some porn stars are experiencing genuine sexual enjoyment whilst having sex in front of the camera.
4. Squirting always involves gushing a fountain of liquid
Unlike what you might have seen in adult movies, squirting doesn’t always mean spraying an enormous torrent of lady juice from one side of the room to the other.
What is actually excreted in terms of fluid can range from a few drops of a milky, slightly viscous excretion, to a full blown gush of clear liquid; in fact, what’s emitted can be any variant between these two extremes.
There’s a chance you may have experienced female ejaculation or squirting in your own sex life without even realising it, especially if you participate in heterosexual coital encounters. How would you realise you’ve she-jaculated if the volume of sex nectar is not substantial enough to be noteworthy? And more to the point: if your juice is so blended with the mix of male ejaculate and other sexual excretions, you’re most likely to just assume it’s all coming from him. Chances are that if a pussy is particularly juicy, it may have female ejaculated to some degree.
5. Squirting is always accompanied by an orgasm
Porn unashamedly insinuates that squirting is proof of sexual climax, and goes hand in hand with an earth-shattering orgasm.
This is not always the case, and contrary to what adult films would have you believe, squirting can happen at any time during sexual play. And while most women who squirt will agree that it generally accompanies a highly pleasurable sensation or great sense of relief, it won’t necessarily coincide with you orgasmically screaming the house down.
6. You need deep penetration to be able to squirt
Just like everything in life; food, wine, clothing, and female orgasms, every woman has her own preferences and we all like something different. Every pussy works in its own way, and every woman is stimulated by different things.
While a vast number of women attribute their ability to squirt with G-spot stimulation, the G-spot isn’t always easily accessible during penetrative sex, and a penis might not be able to reach the pivotal spot to stimulate it. Fingers, or sex toys usually have a far greater success rate.
Similar to the findings in a recent study, which reported that for 1 in 5 women sexual intercourse alone is not sufficient for orgasm, deep penetration from an oversized throbbing cock won’t necessarily cause a woman to squirt.
While there may be some depictions of squirting in porn which are true to life, and some adult film stars genuinely have the ability to produce lady juice on command, it’s important to remember that most of what you are seeing is fiction.
Keep in mind that if you’re watching a porn star writhing in sexual delight and gushing a stream of fluid across a great distance, it’s likely her squirting stamina has been greatly assisted by special effects and clever pre-planning.
Despite the fact that we tend to teach young people that sex is about reproduction the main reason humans actually have sex is for pleasure. For most people sex for reproduction purposes will be something they do on a number of limited occasions throughout their life and for some people it will be something they never ever do. Clearly the key to worry free pleasurable sex is reducing the risks such as contracting sexually transmitted infections and/or pregnancy.
Your contraception needs will change throughout your life, someone in their late teens or twenties will probably have different needs to someone in their 30’s or 40’s. The type of relationship(s) that someone is in and where they are in terms of having children will be just two of the big factors that will affect the type of contraception that they might choose.
So let’s talk about some of the different types of contraception
Both caps and diaphragms are inserted into the vagina, along with spermicide, prior to sex. They work by covering the cervix and creating a barrier so that sperm can’t get into the womb. When used correctly they are 92 – 96% effective. The upside of a cap or diaphragm is that they only need to be inserted when you want to have sex and there are no serious health risks or side affects associated with them but clearly one of the major downsides is that they are not conducive to spontaneous sex. They can also take a bit of time to learn how to insert them and they don’t give any protection against contracting STI’s.
Male condoms are worn over the penis and create a barrier preventing the sperm from reaching the womb. When used correctly they are 98% effective and they are the ONLY form of contraception that also protects against STI’s.
Female condoms work in the same way as male condoms in that they create a barrier preventing sperm from reaching the womb but instead of being worn over the penis it is inserted inside the vagina. When used correctly they are 95% effective and can help prevent the transmission of many STI’s including HIV.
There are two types of contraceptive pill, the Combined Pill and the Progestogen only Pill. They work in slightly different ways but both use hormones to disrupt the female reproduction cycle in some way. If taken regularly they are both 99% effective in preventing pregnancy. The pill is a very convenient method of contraception but there are some medical reasons why some women just can’t use it and there are also some side effects to both types that should be considered.
The implant is a small flexible tube that is inserted by a doctor or nurse underneath the skin in the upper arm and releases a small amount of progestogen which inhibits the body from releasing an egg from the ovary(s). Unlike the pill it is not reliant on the person remembering to take it and so once inserted has a 99% effective rate. It lasts for 3 years but like all hormone based methods it plus and minus’ that need to be considered.
In the UK there are different types of contraceptive injection available and depending on which one you have they last somewhere between 8 and 13 weeks. Like many of the other hormone methods they use progestogen and are 99% effective. However they also share many of the side effects of those methods too and you have to go back every 8 – 13 weeks to have another shot.
The patch is a bit like a nicotine patch that sticks to you and releases the hormones directly into your body through your skin. Each patch lasts for a week, you then replace it with another one for 3 weeks in a row and then you take one week off. The patch is very easy to use but does rely on you remembering when to change it. It is 99% effective when used correctly.
The Vaginal ring is a small, soft, plastic ring that you insert into your vagina and leave there for 21 days. You then remove it and throw it in the bin. 7 days later you insert a new ring. It works by releasing small doses of a combined hormone mix and if used correctly is 99% effective.
The intrauterine system is a small plastic device that is inserted into your uterus by a medical professional. It releases a small dose of hormone directly into your womb and is 99% effective. It stays in place for 3 to 5 years depending on which one you have. It is an increasingly popular form of long term contraception for women.
Like the IUS the Intrauterine device is a small plastic and copper device that is inserted into your uterus by a medical professional. Unlike the IUS it does not release hormones but a small dose of copper which changes the make-up of the fluid which inhibits the survival of the sperm and also stops the egg from implanting. There are various different types of IUD available and depending on which one you pick they last between 5 and 10 years.
Natural Family Planning
This is also known as fertility awareness and involves monitoring various factors to determine when your most fertile time of the month is so that you can avoid sexual intercourse during that period. If done correctly it can be 99% effective but due to the imprecise nature of it and the chances for human error the effect rate is probably more like 75%. Clearly, the up side is there are no side effects to this system but the down side is that it is quite labour intensive and can 3 – 6 months to begin to develop a pattern that you rely on.
This involves a surgical procedure that seals or blocks the fallopian tubes therefore preventing eggs from reaching the womb and being fertilised. It is 99% effective and you will never need to worry about contraception again however it does involved having surgery that always comes with a risk and it should also be viewed as permanent and so you need to be absolutely sure that it is the right decision for you.
Male Sterilisation involves a small procedure that is done under a local anaesthetic where the tube that carries sperm from the testicles to the penis is cut, blocked or sealed. The whole thing takes about 15 minutes and is 99% effective. It is a much easier and less invasive procedure than female sterilisation. For someone who has finished having their family or does not ever want one, it is an ideal long term solution.
How do I pick?
Clearly, that is the key question and the answer is that you should really go and get advice from a professional. What you decide to use will very much depend not just on your current need for contraception but also your age, health, family history and where you are in regards to having or not children. All of the options come with advantages and disadvantages which need to be considered and not all the options will suit everyone so getting good professional advice is the key to helping you decide what it best for you.
If you are in the UK then your nearest GP should be able to help you. When you make an appointment tell them what it is for as they often have dedicated clinics or specific doctors that deal with contraception. There is also a comprehensive guide to all these types of contraception on the NHS website.
However, there are also other organisations you can turn to for help and advice such as
and in the USA
Ahhh, porn. For some people, it’s a bit of spice to help them wank away their cares or the inspiration for all the devious things they want to do with a partner. To some people, though, porn is the devil and anyone who watches is doomed to a life of hellish sexual dissatisfaction, a lack of willing partners, and possibly even hairy palms.
Porn is many things to many people but it is neither the most amazing thing on the planet for every single person nor the worst thing ever created by mankind. In reality, for most people, porn is somewhere in the middle. The right kind of porn with an understanding partner can create a safe space to explore sexuality. Unsafe, too much, or hidden porn habits can foster distrust and hurt relationships.
Positive Affects of Porn
Porn has an awful reputation out in the world. Of course, so does BDSM, masturbation, open relationships, and even sex toys. Like everything else, porn can have a positive affect. Whether you prefer ethical porn that’s inclusive of different body types, genders, and sexuality or you like mainstream hardcore porn, what affects your relationship most is how you treat each other.
Porn Helps You Talk About Your Fantasies
When you and your partner watch porn together, you create space to start a conversation. Many people find it difficult to say things like, “I’d like you to tie me to the bed, hit me with a flogger, and fuck me with a dildo.” Watching porn together can make it easier. Porn allows you to see something on the screen and say to your partner, “I kind of like that” or “That’s such a turn on.” It also gives you the opportunity to say, “I don’t think I’d like that” or “That’s not my thing.”
Porn Can Inspire Your Sexual Pleasure
We don’t always know what we like until we see it or hear about it. You might not have known you loved face-sitting or cock and ball torture until you watched it in porn. Nudge your partner and say, “Would you like to try that?” You never know how they may respond. Watching porn together can be a great way to explore when you feel like you’re in a sexual rut, too. When my partner and do I will often scroll through porn videos and until we find something we enjoy. We may not try exactly what we watched, but it definitely inspires some kinky fuckery of our own.
Porn May Enhance Your Sexual Experience
The act of watching porn may or may not get you off but it will likely arouse you to some degree. Knowing that, you can use porn as part of sex with your partner. Masturbating together while watching porn counts. So does watching a few minutes and then acting out what you see or simply enjoying each other’s body. For some, porn is foreplay, and for others, it’s the main event – but the act of watching it together is part of the entire experience.
Porn Proves that Sexual Attraction Happens Outside of Relationships
Very little hurts a relationship worse than jealousy. How many of us have felt insecure when we think a partner finds someone else attractive? It’s extremely common and doesn’t bring out the best in people. Assuming your partner is a decent human being in all other aspects, finding another person sexually attractive doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, love you, or want you. If you get turned on by the porn you’re watching, it makes sense your partner is, too. Understanding this can open your mind and free you of the (sometimes) debilitating insecurities that can wreck a relationship.
Negative Affects of Porn
Nothing is all good or bad. Porn is most often demonized as dangerous to relationships. When approached in a open, honest, and thoughtful way, porn can make relationships better. But it’s not without it’s flaws.
Porn Can Create False Expectations
Objectification of female bodies, unrealistic expectations about how sex works, and a false sense of what “normal” bodies look like – these are just a few of the false expectations created by porn. If your only real experience with sex or kink comes from porn, there’s a good chance it’s not going to be great for your relationship. When one partner expects (or demands) their sex to mimic what they see in porn, they’re bound to be disappointed and even potentially dangerous.
Porn as a Replacement for Intimacy
Anything can be used to replace intimate connections with other people. Porn is a common culprit, though. Instead of sharing sexual pleasure, trying out new fantasies, or acknowledging desire, your partner might seek out porn instead. Porn isn’t necessarily the problem – whatever has created a disconnect in your relationship is the problem. Ideally, a lot of communication and a willingness to be honest with each other can help you repair your connection or help you decide to go your separate ways.
Please do not think I’m saying that everyone who watches porn will get addicted. If that was the case, the vast majority of us would have our nose to a screen and our hands down our pants more often than we already do. The reality is that some people have addictive personalities. Porn is simply the thing they’ve turned to. Watching porn may begin as a healthy function of your relationship and turn into an addiction over time. Addiction prevents people from functioning as they should in all aspects of their life, not just sexually. If your or your partner suspect one of you is addicted to porn, please seek professional help if you can.
Hiding Your Porn Habit
Lying in a relationship almost never ends well. Lying about your porn habit adds to the stigma (in general) that porn itself is bad or unhealthy. Ideally watching porn in your relationship will be accepted and something you discuss freely. Hiding your porn watching habits creates distrust between you both. The conversation about why you want to watch porn might be difficult, but so is what happens once you’re caught. It’s much better to be honest about porn than to hide it.
If you can imagine a fetish, kink, or sexual desire, porn has been created about it. Just like everything else about sex desire and sexuality, the porn we like is unique to all of us. The type of porn you watch matters less than the way you treat it in your relationship. (For the record, ethically created, diverse, and inclusive porn is always a great choice!) When used to create intimacy and foster communication, porn can enhance pleasure and sex. But when watching porn is treated as a replacement for connection and intimacy or becomes something you have to hide, it’s no good for anyone in your relationship.
Sex with a partner can be a great thing, in fact it should be a pleasurable experience but it is hard to really enjoy it if you are worried about becoming pregnant or catching a sexually transmitted infection. There are lots of different types of options to pick from when it comes to contraception but only one of them is both a contraceptive and a protection against catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and that is condoms. Most STI’s are transmitted from person to person through unprotected sex or genital contact. Therefore only a barrier method of contraception can significantly reduce your risk of contracting something.
What is Safe Sex?
Safe sex is all about taking precautions and making sensible decisions to help reduce the risk to both you and your partner(s) of getting at STI. Most people assume that safe sex means just wearing a condom but actually good safe sex practises extend beyond just condom use.
Condom and dental dams
Clearly the key to safe sex is to take actual physical precautions when having sex with another person. Wearing condoms is a must for both vaginal and anal sex. Both male and female condoms provide protection and so it is up to you which one you want to use. However most people prefer male condoms for anal sex but make sure you use plenty of water based lube. This not only makes anal sex more comfortable but it also reduces the risk of the condom tearing and exposing you to potential infection risk.
However condoms alone are not enough. Many STI’s can be transmitted through oral sex and that is where dental dams come in. They are thin square pieces of latex that can be placed over the genitals, such as the vulva or anus to create a barrier between the person giving oral sex and the one receiving. Likewise when performing oral sex on a person with a penis a condom should be worn.
Getting regular STI tests is a vital part of safe sex. Taking precautions is obviously a key step but getting tested really helps to reduce the spread of infections. Many sexually transmitted infections have little or no symptoms and it is very easy to have contracted an infection and have no idea about it. Regular testing means that you are keeping a check on the situation and if you have contracted something then you can get the right treatment for both you and your(s) to stay healthy.
Low risk sexual activity
Another way to reduce your risk of contracting an STI is to engage in low risk sexual activities only.
Low risk sexual activities include kissing, touching your partner’s genitals with your hands, using sex toys with a partner, dry humping (grinding) without clothes, and oral sex. But it is vital to remember that certain sexually transmitted infections can be contracted from oral sex and so using condoms and dental dams to avoid contact with skin and fluids whenever possible.
There are a few totally risk-free ways to get share sexual pleasure with a partner(s) such as mutual masturbation (when you watch each other masturbating, and dry humping (grinding) with your clothes on. Of course not engaging in any sexual activity at all with another person will also work but for most humans this is just not a happy, healthy option and so learning about good safe sex practises is the best option so that you can have an enjoyable sex life.
Talk to your partner
One of the key areas of safe sex is being able to talk to your partner(s) about the subject. Clearly this is not always easy and really depends on the type or longevity of a relationship. If it is a one night stand then the likelihood is you are not going to have a particularly in-depth talk about it, but that is the time that you should take all the physical precautions that you can and that does not mean you shouldn’t mention it at all. Far from it, stating clearly your safe sex practices and making sure a partner understand what that means for them before you both start taking your clothes off is really important.
If a relationship develops beyond that then there is more opportunity to discuss safe sex. It is a subject that many people find difficult to bring up but being able to have open and honest conversations about it with your partners is a vital step in being able to make sensible plans together for to keep everyone as healthy as possible.
Some tips for talking to your partner.
- Sit down and write a list of the things you want to discuss with them and have it close to hand during the discussion that way you won’t forget anything and you don’t have to memorise it all beforehand.
- Be open and honest. Tell them you want to discuss it because you like spending time with them and want to be able to share your thoughts with them on this subject.
- If you find it really difficult to do maybe try bringing up the subject in an email or text and hopefully that will be a stepping stone to an in person conversation.
- As well as being heard it is important to also listen. Try to create an environment where you both feel comfortable, confident and relaxed about sharing.
Ideally you want to work towards being tested together and sharing your results. If you are in an open relationship where one or both of you has other partners then you should be setting up a schedule to have this done regularly but if you are in a closed relationship then testing might be something you do less often.
What is fluid bound?
When a couple (it is usually couple but there is nothing to stop it being a three people or even more) decide to be in a closed relationship together. In other words they commit to only having sexual relationships with each other and no one else, if they all go and get tested at that point and the results are negative then they can decide to stop using barrier methods and they can be referred to as being fluid bound. As long as no one strays outside that bond and has sexual contact with anyone else then all the people within that bonded group can have risk free unprotected sex.
If you have had unprotected sex, or been exposed to someone who has an STI then you seek medical help. There are lots of Sexual Health Clinics you can attend in the UK or even just go to your GP and discuss it with them.
In the USA depending if you have insurance you might be able to go to your GP but if you don’t have any insurance or not sure if your insurance covers it then your best bet is to go to your nearest Planned Parenthood center.
Getting advice is very important but if you think you might have an STI getting tested and finding out for sure is the key to your future health. If you want to know more about different types of infections, how they can be spread and the possible symptoms associated with them then check out this comprehensive guide. Many STI’s can be treated easily with medication and the earlier you catch them and the easier they are to treat and even those that can’t be cured can be well managed with medication but again, early diagnosis is vital, so be smart, use protection, get tested and encourage all your partners to do the same thing.