First-Time Strap-on Sex for Vulva Owners
[First, a quick note on terms: I am a queer, cisgender woman and am writing from that perspective. However, I have used the term “vulva-owners” and gender-neutral pronouns in this piece as much as possible in order to be more inclusive in my language. Not everyone who has a vulva is a woman, and not all women have vulvas!]
Strap-on sex is amazing. I love both giving and receiving penetration with a strap-on, regardless of the gender or genital configuration of my partner. But how can you get the best out of this often misunderstood sex act?
Let’s Bust Some Myths!
“Queer women who want to be penetrated with a strap-on are actually straight.” Nope! The sex acts you engage in (or the toys you use) have precisely nothing to do with your sexual orientation. A queer-identified person who wants to be vaginally penetrated with a strap-on isn’t secretly wishing they were having sex with a cis man, I promise. Orientation is based on who you do the things with (or don’t,) not on the things you do.
“Using a big dildo will stretch out my vagina permanently.” Again, no. Vaginas are muscles and muscles are pretty incredible things – they stretch and then spring back to their original state. No sex toy – or bio cock – can permanently stretch your vagina.
“The person doing the penetrating doesn’t get any pleasure.” In my experience, this is absolutely not true. There are all kinds of ways to ensure the penetrating partner gets pleasure too – some harnesses have little pockets where you can put a small vibrator to stimulate the wearer’s clitoris, and you can even get “strapless strap-ons” (think the Feeldoe) where one end sits inside the giver’s vagina while they penetrate their partner with the other end. (Note: I do not recommend these for beginners as they’re more difficult to use and control than standard strap-ons.) There’s also pleasure beyond the physical. For me, the “thud” of muscle on muscle as I fuck my partner, and the sounds and expressions of pleasure they make, are hugely gratifying in and of themselves.
Now that we’ve got those out of the way, let’s move on.
Picking the Right Gear
Godemiche recently published a fabulous piece on picking the right harness so do check that out. Personally I recommend picking something comfortable, adjustable, and with the ability to change the ring size so that you can use different dildos with it.
The next step is choosing your dildo. There are four main things to consider:
- Body safety! You want a non-porous and non-toxic material. For a strap-on dildo, that means going for pure silicone. Buy your toys from a reputable manufacturer or retailer, not on eBay or Amazon!
- Size. I recommend starting small if you’re not used to being penetrated regularly. You can always work up. Another option, if you can afford to, is to buy a selection of dildos of different sizes to play with.
- Texture. Some people love being penetrated with textured dildos – think ridges, bumps or realistic “veins”. Others, like me, find it painful. If in doubt I recommend starting with a smooth toy.
- Base. Your dildo needs to have a wide enough base to hold it securely in your harness. Look for words like “flared base,” “strap-on compatible” or “harness compatible” in the product listing.
And finally, don’t forget lube! If you’re using a silicone dildo, you need a good quality, water-based lubricant. Even if you or your partner produces a lot of lubrication naturally, a little extra can’t hurt and will help prevent any bad pain from happening. I recommend Sliquid.
Now the Fun Part!
Okay, you’re all set and you’re ready to have some strap-on fun! I hope these tips will help you and your partner get the most out of the experience.
First, try to take the pressure off yourselves. The goal shouldn’t be for the receptive partner to have taken your biggest dildo up to the hilt by the end of the night. The goal should simply be for you both to have a lovely, connective, sexy time together.
I don’t like the term “foreplay” (the acts we usually refer to as “foreplay” are part of sex!) but for want of a better term, it will have to do for now. So: plenty of foreplay. Start with cuddling, kissing, making out and touching each other until you’re both really turned on. Some people like to have an orgasm – or several – before being penetrated at all. If that’s the case, you can do hand sex, oral sex, play with toys, or masturbate together.
When it’s time for penetration, positioning is important – and what’s comfortable will depend on the size, shape and ability level of your bodies. I’m quite short, so I like to kneel between my partner’s legs and use a pillow or two to lift their hips up, giving me better access to their vagina. You can also use a piece of sex furniture such as a Liberator wedge, if that helps – this can be particularly useful for those in bigger bodies or with limited mobility. Other positions include the receptive partner on their back on the bed while the giving partner stands; missionary; doggie; or on your sides in the “spooning” position. Let your imaginations run wild and position yourselves in whatever way feels natural and comfortable.
You may need to guide the dildo into your partner’s vagina manually. Don’t be afraid to do this – better to have a little help from your hand than to go in at the wrong angle and cause them pain. Slide inside slowly at first, and give them time to adjust to the sensation.
The main tool you need is, of course, communication. Don’t be afraid to communicate verbally before, during and after strap-on play. You don’t need to carry on a full conversation during (unless you want to!) of course, but using your words is an important and underrated skill. Phrases like “How does that feel?” “Are you ready for me to go deeper?” and “Please let me know if anything hurts” are really useful for the penetrating partner. And phrases such as “Harder,” “Slow down a bit” and even “Can we change position, my leg’s going to sleep?” are useful if you’re the one being penetrated.
Try different types of movement. It’s not all about pounding! Try thrusting, try moving your hips in circles while your dildo is inside your partner, try moving the dildo very slowly just a few inches in and out, and try holding still and having your partner clench their vaginal walls around the dildo. Pay attention to the reactions you get and, again, communicate.
Let’s Talk About Orgasm!
The vast majority of people with vulvas do not experience orgasm from penetration alone. This doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, and it doesn’t mean they’re broken! If you’re struggling with this, read Emily Nagoski’s amazing book, Come As You Are. In general, I don’t recommend making orgasm your main or only goal, because goal-oriented sex tends to feel too pressured to be fun. However, if the receiving partner would like to try to reach orgasm during your strap-on play and doesn’t get there just from penetration, you’ll need to introduce some clitoral stimulation. (Even if orgasm isn’t necessarily your aim, lots of people really like having their clitoris stimulated while they’re being penetrated!)
Rub your partner’s clit with your fingers while you fuck them, or have them touch themselves if they prefer – or you could use a vibrator, from a small bullet vibe right up to a mains-powered wand. Whatever feels good for you both, do it. Some people will want you to thrust hard and fast as they get close to orgasm, and others will want you to stop moving and just hold your dildo inside them. The only way to know your partner’s preference is to ask and to follow their body language, so do that!
What if it goes wrong?
In sex, as in life, sometimes things won’t go the way you want them to. Perhaps the receiving partner experiences pain as soon as you try to penetrate them (if this happens regularly, see a doctor.) Or perhaps you just bump their cervix or go in at slightly the wrong angle and it hurts. Perhaps everything’s going well, but one or both of you just can’t quite get off. That’s okay! Things might not go perfectly, the first time or any subsequent time. The key to good sex isn’t everything being perfect, it’s learning how to roll with the punches and adjust.
Good sex should never hurt unless it’s consensual, safely applied pain. So if it hurts, stop! Receiving partners, listen to me: please do not endure pain because you think it’s what your partner wants. No-one who loves you will be okay with hurting you in a way you don’t like.
Try not to see needing to stop or change something as a failure. You’re exploring each other’s bodies and this new activity. If you need to switch position, switch position. If you need a break, take a break. If you need to stop and do something else… you see where I’m going with this. Everything that goes wrong is a learning experience. With tonnes of mutual respect, affection, good communication and emphasis on consent, nothing truly terrible is going to happen – promise.
And afterwards?
Congratulations, you’re done! I hope you had a wonderful time. Now have a long cuddle, tell your partner they’re awesome, and sterilise that dildo! (Boil it in a pot of water on the stove for about ten minutes.) Next time, maybe the other person will wear the cock…?
Beginners Guide To Douching/Enema
Anal douching/enema’s are something we talk about often but as a general rule we find no one knows what they are. So we have put together our beginners guide to anal douching/enema.
However if you prefer watching to reading then jump straight to the bottom of this post and watch our video on the subject
What does an anal douche/enema look like?
An anal douche has a bulbous base, the bulbous base is hollow and can be made of plastics, silicone or rubber. The bulbous base is hollow and holds a small amount of water. At the top of the bulbous base is a nozzle, water is squeezed from the base up through the nozzle and into your butt.
Why douche?
The body passes poo out the bum hole and douching is a way of cleaning your butt for anal sex. If your anxious about getting shit all over your dick then douching can help alleviate that concern. It’s also much cleaner for general penetration and also other things such as anal rimming.
Douching on a daily basis is not recommended as it can affect the intestinal microflora, disturbing the balance of your bowel. A simple and easy way for a cleaner dowel is a high-fibre healthier diet and less greasy foods will stiffen up your poo and greatly reduce the need to douche.
How to use a douche
Buy yourself an anal douche. We DO NOT recommend sharing anal douche even if it’s completely cleaned. Having your own anal douche reduces the chance of spreading intestinal parasites or certain STIs.
Fill the bulbous base with lukewarm water. Then carefully insert the nozzle in to your butt and squeeze in the water no need to squeeze in all the water. Pro tip, lube up the tip so it goes in nice and smoothly. Also make sure the water is lukewarm, cold water will give you cramps, hot water can scold your insides. With the water inside you, hold it there in your butt for a couple of seconds, standing up is easier to hold on the water inside. After a couple of seconds sit down on the toilet and release all the water. You need to get up and look at the water, if the toilet water is not clear then you need to repeat the douching process again, fill up the douche, stick it in, squeeze, release, check. You want to repeat this steps until the waters clear. If you have done this 6 time and the water is not clear then we recommend you accept today’s not a butt day and stop.
Take a couple of moments to make sure all the waters out. A common mistake is that they people don’t get all the water out and that water makes an appearance when your having anal sex. It’s not pleasant and avoidable so just take a couple of seconds to make sure it’s all gone.
Once the water runs clear then it’s time for a shower because you can’t be too clean when it comes to butt play. Wash your butt, don’t put soap in side your butt.
So that was our simple steps to anal douching. We hope it helps and if you have any questions please get in contact.
Douching really is as simple as it sounds you just have to take your time.
What is pegging?
Pegging is the reason we got in to the adult industry with ThatPosition back in 2012. It’s something we know well and something we LOVE to talk about and believe it or not pegging is super, super popular.
If you don’t know what pegging is, your in the right place to learn. We have put together this no nonsense Q&A to simply explain what pegging is so you can go and explore. We also have a video for those of you like me that prefer watching to reading. Just scroll to the bottom of the page and hit play.
Q. What is pegging?
Simply put pegging is a sexual act where a woman fucks a guy in the ass with a dildo.The dildo is generally held in a strap on harness, like sexy underwear that lets you fuck a people.
Q. How does a woman do a guy?
Well the fucking is done with a dildo that usually has a round, flared base designed for a strap on harness. The flared base also stops a toy being pulled in to your bum if used out of a strap on harness. The woman then wears a strap on harness that holds the dildo so her hands are free to do the holding and her hips can do the rocking.
Q. Is it enjoyable?
Hell yes. There are many enjoyable things about it.
The thought of it being naughty and ‘not the done thing’ can be for some people very exciting. Then you have the physical sensation that is also enjoyable enhanced by the prostate (the male g-spot) that is found just inside the bum. Then you have the visual side, the person fucking you, the way their boobs sway and move, how their hands wander and eyes shine with excitement. Pack them all together and what you get is powerful, mind blowing orgasms.
Q. Where do we start?
Assuming that you have both discussed pegging then a basic strap on harness and slender, finger like dildo and lube would be the ideal place to start.
Our advice on harnesses is not to spend to much, you don’t yet know what you both like and every strap on harness and dildo have different features, feelings and price. We have even made a video about what harness to buy which you can see on Picking a Strapon Harness.
A great first harness and toy for a large majority of people would be the Sportsheets Red Lace Corsette Harness and one of our specially designed pegs or apprentice dildos.
3 Pegging Positions You Should Know
Today’s topic is pegging positions.
Doggy, Missionary & Cowboy are the 3 main positions for pegging that we enjoy. Each of these positions can be adapted with slight variation in body position or different locations and furniture such as beds or chairs.
And if reading is not your thing than jump straight to the bottom and watch our video on this subject instead.
Doggy
So let’s start with the one everyone will know, doggy style. The person being pegged is at the bottom on hands an knees and the pegger is the one behind them on their knees.
It’s a simple position that involves the pegger doing all the work.
This position is great for more focused prostate stimulation also and also the person doing the pegging a great of movement. If you are new to pegging though take it easy at first as it is a new sensation that the person being pegged will need time to get used to.
Top tip – if your using a curved dildo like our Ambit, then turn it round so the dildo points down and not up. Your prostate is between the bladder and the tummy, so when your on your hands and knees to get the most prostate stimulation make sure your toy curves down towards the prostate not away from it.
Missionary
Another staple sex position of the bedroom but this time round he is on the bottom and she is on top. While laying on your back raise your legs towards your chest, your probably going to want to hold your legs.
As a pegger if your feeling especially dominant you can take hold of their legs and force them back. Taking control can add to the experience for both of you, remember this is a change of positions for you both, sometimes you want to be dominated and that feeling of just being fucked is hot.
This position is great if you love watching. Laying on your back you get to see everything, her face, her boobs, your cock. Talking about cocks, this position is the best for having unrestricted access to your cock and allows you to look into each others eyes as you share this experience together.
Top tip – have a pillow handy to place under your lower back. It will raise you up just a little making penetration easier and enhancing the feeling.
Cowboy
Yep you got it just like cow girl but he does the riding. It lets your have complete control over how quick, how deep and just exactly how much you want to stimulate the prostate.
Much more of a relaxed position for the pegger who lays on there back and enjoys the show. As a pegger this is also a good position for playing with their cock as you don’t have to concentrate on anything other than enjoying the show.
Top tip – this is a great position to play around with edging. Edging is where you get almost to the point of orgasm, then stop and this is repeated. The build up of almost having an orgasm repeatedly can make for a more explosive orgasm when you finally do.
In summery these are 3 pegging positions we believe you should try first, each having a different sensation for you both to experience. It’s ok not to like them all, everyone is different and it’s all about finding whats enjoyable for you. When you find what you like then you can explore different variations on that position.
Let us know your top tips and what position or positions you enjoy the most when it comes to pegging in the comments below.
5 Common Questions About Prostate Sex
When I’m out at fetish markets I regularly get asked all sorts of questions but some of the most common ones asked revolve around anal and prostate play. What starts as a timidly asked question turns in to a cascade of other related questions people have around anal and I am always more than happy to answer them as best I can.
So in a bid to help as many people as we can we have decided to make a series of sex education videos which we will be posting on our YouTube channel over the next few months. We are focusing on the topics YOU most often ask us about starting this week with the all things prostate related.
Here are the 5 most common questions about sex and prostates that I generally get asked… and if you don’t feel like reading skip to the bottom of the page and watch our video for the answers instead.
What is the prostate?
The prostate is a walnut sized gland that is found between the bladder and the penis. It’s also called the p-spot and also the male g-spot.
What does the prostate do?
The prostate creates a fluid that’s found in semen. The fluid is added to the sperm as you ejaculate, think of it as helpfully lubricant that nourishes and helps sperm on it journey.
What is a prostate orgasm like?
Well you know how an orgasm feels, the moment you know your going to cum and it feels like the world slows down, you cum and you just feel relieved and a little spasmie, or is that just me? Anyway a prostate orgasm is just like that but some how amplified more. O an twinkly stars, you can’t forget the twinkling stars you get in your eyes, like with a migraine but intensely pleasurable. And there tends to be more semen produced as well.
How do you get to the prostate?
The easiest way is a finger up the bum. Your can find it by putting a finger up your your bum and curling it up towards your tummy. You don’t have to go very far into your bottom, only one and a half to two inches in. Curling your finger up a little will allow you to feel your prostate through the rectal walls. The prostate itself feels soft, squishy, the size of a walnut and it moves around a little as you try to touch it.
Why is a prostate orgasm so good?
I can tell you how it feels but past that really I can’t give a reason as to why it’s so dam good, it just is. You have to try it to fully know why. Nothing ventured nothing gained, but I’m almost certain that if you do venture and take your time your going to enjoy it.
Do you have a question you would like to ask us? Is there a topic you would like to see us tackle in one of our videos? Leave a comment here and you might just get a video made for you.
Fun Positions For Strapon Sex
Strapon sex and pegging doesn’t have to the same old bend over boyfriend. Because of where the prostate sits in relation to the anus, different positions can give him a whole new experience. Likewise, incorporating sex toys into your strapon sex can be just whats needed to spice things up.
Also for an apprehensive partner, bending over can bring up intimidating images of ‘jail house bend over and take it’ scenarios. In this case using different positions is often the key to helping your lover open up to the pleasures that anal sex can hold for him.
Also, like typical PIV sex, different positions during strap-on sex provide different sensations and opportunities to take your strap-on sex to new levels of enjoyment.
Missionary is one of the easiest positions for strap-on sex. In this position, she can sit or kneel comfortably in-between his legs and not having to worry about keeping balance. Also, it’s easy to see his anus and guide the phallus in without having to awkwardly fumble around. With him on his back, there’s full access to his penis and balls and he has full access to her breasts. With a bit of imagination, this position can be incorporated in a variety of ways. Such as, a pillow can be positioned to lift his bottom up for easier access or he can even be on the edge of the bed with her standing-between his legs.
Cowboy is a fun position that allows him to be in the driver’s seat. With the female partner laying on her back and him straddling her body, he’s in full control of the angle, depth, and pace of penetration. This is ideal for those women who are a bit nervous about taking control. It can also be adapted to reverse cowboy to give him a different sensation.
Like a missionary, he’s fully exposed for extra stimulation and with eye to eye there’s connection and ease of communication between you both.
The lap dance is another great position that allows him to be in full control of the fun. With the woman sitting in a chair, he straddles her lap either facing her or turned around backwards. In this position, she can easily reach his penis for extra stimulation.
Tailgate is a good position for those who enjoy rear entry. With him lying face down and her lying on top of him, this position allows you have skin to skin contact. She’s in complete control of the penetration and can feel extra stimulation herself by grinding her clit against the dildo’s base.
Spooning is another fun position for the skin to skin contact. However, unlike Tailgate, in this position, his penis is exposed for extra stimulation. Spooning works well for couples of different body sizes and heights. When enjoying strap on sex in this position, penetration is shallow and a longer dildo might be needed to reach the P-spot.
Doggie style is probably the most common position used for strap on sex. Perfect for ladies who are new to pegging, this position allows her to easily penetrate and maneuver. It allows her to clearly see his anus, find her center of gravity and get used to the rhythm of thrusting. Also, it’s easy for him to stimulate his penis in this position. Doggie style is also great for those who desire to explore dom/sub role-playing, his bottom is up and ready to be spanked while you play.
In any position where his manhood is exposed, a sex toy can be add. Toys such as a Fleshlight can give him a whole new experience. Not only is he able to feel stimulation both anally and on his penis, it’s a fun way to fulfill a threesome fantasy without actually bringing in another partner. The Fleshlight can be held by either partner or in-between cushions to hold it in place.
Another fun toy to use during strap on sex is a wand; preferably cordless. With a wand massager placed on the dildo, the vibrations can be felt throughout the dildo to stimulate his prostrate and her vulva at the same time. A wand massager can also be held against his perineum or the penis’ head for more intense sensations. Although wands are fun to use in this fashion, any vibrator can be used.
You can take your strap on play to a whole new level by exploring dom/sub roles. Positions such as Doggie Style gives full access to his turned up bottom for a spanking. Using paddles, floggers or even a short crop can be just what your new sub needs to be a good boy.
These by no means are the only ways to enjoy pegging, virtually any position will work well. Use your imagination and be creative. Because of where the prostate is in relation to the anus, each position will feel different for him and open up new possibilities for extra stimulation.
There’s no right or wrong way to play. No matter what position you choose, remember, have fun and explore.
This blog post was written by Lori originally for ThatPosition (site offline).
How to spice up your Strap On Sex sessions?
When I first indulged in strap on sex with my partner, the intimacy and intensity of that experience were more than enough to have us hooked, but like any sexual activity, familiarity and repetition can dull that flame of lust. Not one to ever settle for less and being a firm believer that variety really is the spice of life, I set about finding new ways to add something extra to our pegging sessions and ultimately find new ways to elevate our arousal to whole new levels. Let’s take a look at some of the ways you can spice up your strap-on sex sessions.
Tips for the person wearing the strap-on:
The assumption is that if you are wearing the strap-on, you will receive very little physical stimulation when pegging your partner and in theory, this does make sense. After all, you are essentially buckling your crotch into a harness and maneuvering your body into various positions that don’t make it easy to reach your own genitals, let alone pleasure them. However, the beauty of strap-on sex is being able to penetrate your partner while at the same time having both hands free to provide further stimulation, connection, and warmth, so with a little imagination and some tweaks here and there, you can make a huge difference to your experience during a pegging session.
Let’s begin with the strap-on harness.
There are many different designs on the market and many manufacturers have given some thought to the pleasure of the wearer. You can find open crotch harnesses (jock strap harnesses, for example) that allow direct, unobstructed access to the genitals and even lingerie style harnesses like the Spare Parts Sasha, which come with pockets built in the gusset area. These pockets can hold small clitoral sex toys, like bullet vibrators. Look out for these options when purchasing your strap-on harness.
Of course, harnesses lacking the above options can still be experimented with. An example would be using the strapping material from harnesses that do cover the genitals (like the thong style, or lingerie style harness), to hold a sex toy in place. Depending on the strength and hold of the material, you could successfully use some harnesses to hold a flat based dildo, or a butt plug inside you and even hold a clitoral vibrator against your body. You might think that harnesses with an open crotch design would not allow for this kind of play but you can still create a similar effect by wearing a pair of tight fitting underwear beneath the harness itself. Experimentation is key.
Your position is also important.
There are certain positions that will make it much harder to access your genitals. An example of this would be him on top. Unless you have exceptionally long arms, you will find that his torso and thighs simply get in the way and your own legs tend to be squeezed together by his thighs anyway. Spoons position will allow you to reach down between your legs, but this position requires you to raise your leg to gain access and that can become tiring very quickly. In my experience, the most successful positions for self-pleasure is doggy style and my personal favorite; them on their back with a pillow under their butt, while I kneel between their legs. This position allows you to reach down between your own legs or alternatively, reach out to stimulate their genitals, while still maintaining eye contact.
Add something extra
Despite finding the perfect strap-on and discovering positions that allow for easier access, it can still be difficult to successfully pleasure yourself. If you are anything like me, you might find it difficult to maintain a rhythmic thrusting motion while trying to stroke yourself at the same time. This is where sex toys come in and one of the easiest and most enjoyable ways to stimulate your own genitals during strap-on sex is through the use of couple’s sex toys, like the We-Vibe 4 and the Lelo Tiani. These C-shaped vibrators are designed to provide a dual stimulation, as one section is inserted into the vagina and the other curves over your vulva, providing a direct and constant stimulation to your clitoris.
A variation of the couple’s vibrator and another sex toy I get a lot of pleasure from during strap-on play is the remote controlled love egg. (The Lelo Lyla is a classic example.) These oval shaped vibrators can be inserted into your vagina before you attach your strap-on harness and they will provide vibrations and stimulation to your g-spot as you thrust, move and even squeeze around them. Love eggs can also be used to stimulate your clitoris, in a similar way to bullet vibrators and thanks to their petite size, you will often find that they fit nicely into those pockets found on certain harnesses. If your harness does not contain pockets, simply use the strapping on your harness, or wear a pair of tight fitting underwear beneath, to hold the sex toy in position.
As you can probably imagine, being able to control your love egg (or any other sex toy) remotely is a huge advantage during strap-on sex, because once the harness is attached, it becomes a lot more difficult to make pattern changes manually. Having a small controller to click is so much easier and I am sure I don’t need to tell you just how exciting it can be to pass that remote to your partner and allow them to control your pleasure as you indulge them in theirs.
Spicing it up for the receiver:
We have proved it possible that the person wearing the harness can receive pleasure and spice up their strap-on experience, but what about the person on the receiving end? It might be said that the receiver is already enjoying themselves, but there are still a number of things you can do to add new sensations to the session for them.
Pick the right dildo
The most obvious thing to consider is the strap-on dildo. These dildos come in a wide range of sizes, shapes, and materials and choosing the right size is important for comfort and ease of use, but beyond this, you should also think about texture and the firmness of the material. Highly textured, firm materials will feel quite intense and imposing, whereas softer materials will conform to the body more, feel gentle and provide a more ‘realistic’ experience. You want to consider the psychological elements at play too. If you or your partner fantasize about being penetrated by a real penis, it would heighten the experience to purchase a dildo that looked realistic, or one designed to ejaculate. Heighten the fantasy and you will heighten the experience for you both.
Alternative options for temperature play include placing your dildo in the fridge, or into a basin of icy cold water for five minutes before use (Do not put the dildo in the freezer. Cold burns are painful) If your partner prefers a warmer experience, simply place the dildo into some hot (not boiling) water before play.
Lube is a must
Now, we all know that lubricant is a must for anal sex, but most of us will not consider how our choice in the lubricant can alter the experience. Silicone or oil based lubricants are among the best for anal sex because they do not dry up quickly and they provide a silky soft buffer that reduces friction. Silicone and water-based lubricants work best for vaginal penetration. For a completely unique sensation though, you should invest in some specialty lubricants that produce cooling, warming or tingling sensations on the skin. Always do a small patch test first, to ensure the sensation is enjoyable and then simply apply a few drops to the dildo, vagina or anus before you begin to penetrate.
Get things buzzing
If you are looking for a way to really ramp up the intensity that he or she feels against their prostate or g-spot, I recommend purchasing a vibrating dildo to use in your strap-on harness. The most common options for strap-on play include remote-controlled vibrating dongs, dildos with a hole in the base, into which you can insert a bullet vibrator and even strapless strap-ons (The latter are also great for providing internal stimulation for both partners at the same time), but if you already have a favourite strap-on dildo and want to experiment with vibration, you could always invest in a vibrating cock ring and attach that to the base of the dildo. Ensure you choose a fairly chunky cock ring, like the Lelo Bo, if you intend on using this for anal sex. You want to avoid any potential risk of losing the ring inside the anus.
Adding a spark
For the daring among you, who fancy trying something completely unique, I recommend introducing electro stimulation to your strap-on sessions. Electro stimulation uses pads, rings, and probes to provide a tingling electrical current that feels somewhat similar to vibrations and these devices can produce a whole range of sensations, from a gentle tingle to an extremely intense buzz. Some devices, like the Electrostim Flick, allow two people to create a circuit between their bodies and you can both share the stimulation from this device. Using an electro stim device in this way turns every touch into a tingling pleasure.
The best advice I can give you though is to never be afraid to experiment, laugh, love and learn together. Go into each session with an open mind and an aim to discover what pleases you and your partner, both mentally and physically. This way, your strap-on sex sessions will not only be mutually fulfilling, but orgasmic for you both.
This blog post was originally written and published by Gritty Woman.
Does a strap on and harness spark your interest?
“Does a strap on harness spark your interest? Well, you’re not alone. Strap on sales are one of the leading in the sex toy industry.
With more and more heterosexual couples becoming interested in pegging play, people are beginning to talk openly about their fantasies, struggles, and experiences.
Surfing the internet it seems, more men fantasize about pegging than there are women who are willing to strap on a dong . On the other hand, I’ve come across many women who wish their man would consider it.
Bringing a strap on into your bedroom can be an anxious moment for a couple. However, once you both begin to feel comfortable with the idea and begin to explore, it can bring a whole new dynamic to your play time.
Mindsets are often the number one thing that hinders us from exploring new pleasures. When it comes to strap on play they often include preconceptions like, if a man enjoys anal stimulation, he must be gay or bisexual. Nothing could be further from the truth. Enjoying P-spot stimulation or the feeling of anal penetration is simply because of the nerve endings that are stimulated which create pleasurable sensations. Everyone’s body has areas that bring feelings of excitement. Indulging in these pleasures, has nothing to do with sexual orientation.
Another mindset that needs to be broken is that men who enjoy anal stimulation are ‘sissy boys’. Quite the contrary, a man who’s open to this type of stimulation is confident in his masculinity and doesn’t feel threatened by this type of play. Did you know that in ‘Old England’, it was totally acceptable for men to wear makeup and wigs? In other cultures, it’s normal for men to wear skirts. It wasn’t even too long ago that men in America wore stockings. Somehow, in the modern Western World, these things are labeled as feminine and inappropriate for ‘a man’ to do.
It seems that all too often, men are thought of as the one to be dominating in the bedroom. Although this may be the norm, men don’t always want to take the leading role. Have you ever heard the term“ she was an animal in the bed”? In fact, many men fantasize about being flipped over, pinned down, and take advantage of. The idea of giving up control is very erotic. Letting go and forgetting about stereotypical roles can be a liberating experience for both genders.
When talking to others about pegging play the number one thing I hear is “How do I get my partner to open up to it ?” Whether you’re a man who is curious about the P-spot orgasm, or you’re the wife who wishes her man would give just an inch and think about it; here are a few things that just might help to pave the way.
- Communication
Try dropping a few hints to your lover and gauge their reactions. Say things similar to… ‘I had this dream last night … that’s crazy; huh?’, or ‘So you want me to try anal sex? That means you’re open to receiving too?’ You could even try watching porn clips involving pegging and talk about it how it might be interesting to try or write them a love letter packed full of your erotic fantasy. Opening the door to talking freely about thoughts, fears, and more; is the perfect way to address mindsets that may be blocking your fun. Who knows, you just might find out that it’s been their fantasy all along too.
- Give them a taste of how great it might feel.
There are a few things that you can do to give your partner a hint of good anal stimulation can feel. Such as, during oral sex, slowly move down and lick the perineum area then move on to anal rimming. Take it slow and savor the moment, it’s sure to help your lover relax and enjoy the erotic sensations. You can even use a vibrator to stimulate this area. As they become comfortable with enjoying it, moving on to penetration may be easier.
- Make it more fun for her.
Sometimes I hear women say, ‘I wish it felt good for me too’. Did you know, there are things you can do to receive stimulation during pegging. Try tucking a bullet vibrator or slender clitoral vibrator behind your harness; the dong should hold it nice and tight in place. Also, you can use a strapless strap-on in the traditional way or with your harness. With the pony end, you receive erotic pleasure with each thrust. Use your imagination, experiment and try different toys to use while you peg your partner; I’m sure you’ll find one that works it’s magic just right for you.
Our journey into pegging play has been a bumpy one. Falling into the typical mindsets, I resisted Hubby’s desires for years. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after years of marriage that I finally agreed to explore with him. To my surprise, it wasn’t long before I became completely comfortable with it and began embracing my inner ‘Butch’. Feeling sexy and able to fulfill Hubby’s desires, when I wear my dong it’s natural and not like a foreign object strapped onto my body. A complete 180 degree turn from how I felt before, now I look forward to our pegging. Hubby and I never miss out on a chance to strut my dong and satisfy his kinky desires.
This blog post was originally written by Lori and published on ThatPosition.
Unfortunately, Lori doesn’t write anymore, so we can’t link it to her website.
Anal Sex Golden Rules – Top Tips
Most of us have heard stories that tell of mind blowing orgasms from anal sex. However, for many, the first time trying anal sex is also the last. When considering the discomfort and sometimes sharp pains running through your bum when trying anal for the first time, it’s easy to understand why most people have only tried anal sex once. But, take it from me, your first time doesn’t have to be your last. With three simple golden rules, you can forget the ‘ouches or yikes’ and become an anal sex rock star.
#1 Go Slow – I know that it’s hard to slow down, especially when taboo territory is fixing to be explored. But, take it from a pro, going slow and taking your time is key to ensuring that both you and your partner have a positive experience.
#2 Warm Up – Warming up the area before you play relaxes tight muscles for what’s to come, making insertion easier.
#3 Lots of Lube – Slippery when wet. Lube helps with the initial insertion and keeps everything slippery making it more fun for both of you.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times that I’ve heard, “nothing goes in my butt, that’s for experts only, or that’s painful”. How can you argue with that? All of these statements are valid feelings. All too often, someone who’s an anal virgin finally warms up to the idea, only to find that it’s painful. Usually, this can be attributed to an overzealous partner who is also inexperienced and tries to force their way in past muscles that aren’t ready to open up.
The physiology is rather simple. The anal opening is controlled by the sphincter muscles which is designed to stay nice and tight. Unlike the vagina, these muscles take a bit of coaxing to open up and be ready for penetration. Going too fast and trying to force them open will only result in it being painful. But not to fear, there are lots of ways to warm up the area.
Just like foreplay helps set the mood, your ass needs a bit or attention before jumping in. A sensual booty massage, oral sex, anal rimming or even intercourse works well. Anal safe sex toys also work wonders. Such as, rubbing a vibrator over the perineum area and around the anal rim or using a butt plug. Butt plugs are especially helpful because they hold open the anal sphincter muscle allowing it to relax and acclimate to being open. I find them really helpful because I can insert a plug before our playtime and when the time is right everything is relaxed and ready. No one size fits all, butt plugs can be purchased in various sizes and shapes, which allows you to choose the style that will work well for you.
Going slow is critical to ensuring that anal sex is enjoyable for the receiver. For most, the first few moments after insertion is a make or break time. This is when people typically say it hurts and give up. If you are the giver do NOT jump in and start pounding away. Instead, take time to savor the moment and have patience. I know it’s hard to hold back, but believe me, your lover will appreciate that you let them take the lead. But just because they are taking the lead and going slow, doesn’t mean that you have to be bored. Kissing your lover and stimulating there other reachable erogenous zones goes a long way to keeping the passion up and helping your lover relax at the same time.
The last of our golden rules is lots of lube. This may seem a bit weird, especially if you’re not used to using lube. But believe me, lube and anal sex are best buds. Unlike the vagina, the rectum doesn’t lubricate itself. Instead, it’s lined with a mucous membrane. Although this works great to help move waste along the intestines, it doesn’t do much to help with the friction of sex. That’s where lube becomes your new best friend. It coats the rectum and provides a slick surface making anal sex much more comfortable. Lube is not just for comfort, using lube also helps to maintain your rectum’s health. Without lube, the thin mucous membrane is susceptible to tearing which increases your chances of contracting Hepatics C. Lube also helps to maintain the longevity of your rectum. Over time, having anal sex without lube can lead to what some refer to as a “worn out hole”. In a nut shell, constant friction and pulling of the sphincter muscle from anal sex without lube can cause the muscle to lose its elasticity making it unable to close tightly.
How much lubricant should you use? When having anal sex, you can never have too much lube. In my bedroom, when preparing for anal sex, we make sure to lube both the giver and the receiver. We apply lube before insertion and, many times, he’ll pull right back out and apply more lube. We always keep the lube close at hand in case more is needed while we play. Something I’ve noticed during both anal and strapon sex is that the bottom side of his member or my dildo tends to lack sufficient lube causing a bit of discomfort when penetrating. To make sure things are slippery and comfortable, we tend to go extra slow at first taking our time to apply more lube. It maybe be a bit messy, but it’s well worth a little mess.
Not one of my anal sex golden rules, but often a concern of those who are new to anal pleasures is the possibility of a mess. This fear is completely understandable, no one wants to discover an accident in the middle of their fun. Not to worry, with a bit of preparation, accidents are unlikely. Such as, having a normal bowel movement and using an anal douche to rinse the bits out of your rectum. Typically this is enough to ensure that things are nice and clean prior to anal sex. In all honesty, after a few years of enjoying anal sex on a regular basis, we’ve only had an accident a few times. Although it can be embracing, it’s not something to freak out over. For us, we keep a box of baby wipes nearby in case a quick cleanup is needed. Although it happens rarely, Hubby is always very kind about the situation and will help me relax before he excuses himself to wash off. Although the receiver is often freaked out to find that they’ve caused a mess, the giver typically realizes that it was unintentional and not the end of the world. However, if you are worried about the possibility, wearing a condom during anal sex makes for quick and easy clean up when needed.
When the topic of anal sex is brought up, it’s not something to cringe at. Following these golden rules will help ensure that it’s a positive experience for you both. Share them with your partner and use the rules to help open up a healthy discussion about anal sex. Equipped with knowledge before you jump in. I’m sure you’ll find that anal sex can be an extremely gratifying sexual experience.
This blog post was originally written by Lori and published on ThatPosition.
Unfortunately, Lori doesn’t write anymore, so we can’t link it to her website.
The picture was taken by Lori.
History of Strap On Sex
The release of ‘Bend Over Boyfriend’ by Dr. Carol Queen and the gang at Good Vibrations in 1998, seems to have sparked a strap-on phenomenon between heterosexual couples. With sales of strap-ons leading the way in the sex toy market, it’s clear that strap-on sex is quietly being embraced by our society. But where does the love of strapping on a dildo come from? Is it a newly discovered sexual pleasure?
1. Throughout the ages, there are signs and clues left behind of dildos being used to worship fertility gods, in rituals, for sex and were even used as baby mobiles in ancient Greece. Did anyone ever think to strap on one of these dildos? As with most of the humanity’s sexual history, the advent of strap-on sex is hidden within a few precious artifacts, ancient mythology, writing, and even paintings.
2. The oldest known relic that’s believed to be a strap-on is from the Upper Paleolithic Period; c10,000 bc. Among the many artifacts that appear to be dildos, a double ‘baton’ has been discovered with a hole in the middle. Archeologists theorize that this hole is for a strap to hold it to the wearer. There’s also a Japanese wooden strap-on dildo that’s been discovered.
3. Archeologists have also found an oriental double ended dildo carved from jade that date back to the 10th – 13th century. Being made from Jade, it’s clear that this was once a prized procession of the owner.
4. Ancient Egyptian mythology also gives a glimpse of strap-on pleasure with their belief that the ebb and flow of the Nile River was caused by Atum’s (the god of creation) ejaculations. This sparked the ritualistic ejaculation of Pharaoh into the Nile River. The strength of the rain was thought to correlate to the strength of the pharaoh’s ejaculation. It’s believed that to ensure an abundance of rain, the pharaoh’s wife would massage his prostate with a phallus while he sat on her lap and masturbated.
5. Clues of strap-on use are also found in murals decorating the walls of long forgotten brothels and bathhouses. In the Suburban Baths at Pompeii Italy, a mural has been unearthed which depicts a threesome with male anal penetration. Another mural at Pompeii that’s especially exciting, shows a woman penetrating another woman as well as males with a strap-on according to Roman Scholar John Clarke. These murals seem to prove that sexual exploration, as well as strap-on sex, was embraced and celebrated in ancient Italy. It’s no wonder the bathhouse was such a popular place.
6. Another ancient painting, from Athens and the Corinth Archaeological Museum, portrays a female figure dancing while wearing a strap-on dildo and a tail, before a seated Dionysus.
It’s believed that most ancient Greeks and Romans regarded women who took upon themselves the role of penetrating as having oversized clitorises to please their lover with. Roman mythology is also full of gender bending tales. Such as Hermaphroditus the son of Hermes (Roman Mercury) and Aphrodite (Venus) which is described as being both male and female. Also, Macrobius describes a masculine form of “Venus” (Aphrodite) who has a beard and male genitals but wore women’s clothing. Belief in this mythology survived through Greek and Roman cultures as seen is sculptures of Aphroditos, a female figure who pulls up her woman’s clothing to reveal male gentiles.
Aphroditos
Not only through artifacts and art, strap-on sex is also found in many ancient writings. Such as in the poetry of Herodas, the 3rd century bc Greek poet. Found on recycled papyrus that was used to wrap mummies. One of Herodas’ poems describes women going to a cobbler for dildos that were carefully stitched from scarlet leather and are described as being very soft, ‘like the real thing’. He makes mention of straps but doesn’t expand on their purpose.
In the writings of Seneca the Elder’s Controversiae, a Roman writer, refers to lesbians as Tribades who use strap-on dildos. Likewise, Seneca the Younger, a Roman philosopher makes mention in Epistle Morales ad Lucilium of women penetrating men. Strap-on sex is also talked about in the Secret History of Prociopius; where Theodra, wife of the Emperor Justinian, is depicted as penetrating the ‘hinder parts’ of her male lovers.
7. Hibreas, a Roman Orator, is thought to have once said of Tribades, ‘I first examined the male to know if it was natural or stitched on’. Likewise, Marcus Valerius Martialis, a Latin poet, portrays Flinene Pedica as a Tribute who sodomizes the boys more heated than a husband and ‘fucks eleven girls or Boys in a single day’.
Also, in Affairs of the Heart by a Latin satirist, a direct reference to strap-on dildos is made.
“Therefore, if even men like you, Callicratidas, can find satisfaction in women, let us males fence ourselves off from each other; but, if males find intercourse with males acceptable, henceforth let women love each other too. Come now, the epoch of the future, legislator of strange pleasures, devise fresh paths for male lusts, but bestow the same privilege upon women, and let them have intercourse with each other just as men do. Let them strap to themselves cunningly contrived instruments of lechery, those mysterious monstrosities devoid of seed, and let woman lie with a woman as does a man. Let wanton tribadism — that word seldom heard, which I feel ashamed to even to utter — freely parade itself, and let our women’s chambers emulate Philaenis, disgracing themselves with Sapphic amours.
And how much better that a woman should invade the provinces of male wantonness than that the nobility of the male sex should become effeminate and the male play the part of a woman, as a woman can strap to themself these instruments and do a male as a male!”
If that isn’t enough to paint a picture of what strap-on sex might have looked like in ancient times, we find even more examples. Such as in the writings of Hipponax, a 5th-century Greek poet who describes a female using a strap-on on a Greek male. Also, a vivid tale of strap-on sex is found on papyrus which was recycled to wrap a mummy and was recovered at Oxrhynchus in Egypt.
In Lydian tone, she said, “Come hither, I will plug up your tight asshole.” And she beat my egg sack with a sprig of lilac as if I were a satyr. I fell backward, breathing heavy…”
8. A very similar passage occurs in the Satyricon of Petronius, which describes the sexual pleasures of the Emperor Nero Oenothea brought out a leathern dildo which, when she had smeared with oil, ground pepper, and pounded nettle seed, she commenced to force, little by little, up my anus. The merciless old Virago then anointed the insides of my thighs with the same decoction; finally mixing nasturtium juice with the elixir of southern wood, she gave my penis a bath and, picking up a bunch of green nettles, she commenced to strike me gently all over my penis and belly below the navel. This tale of female dominance is found within the ancient writing of Inanna and Ebih. Not only is it a story of the goddess dominating Elbih, but there are also descriptions of elaborate cross dressing transformation rituals.
9. It’s also found that strap-ons were seen in ancient Greek Theater where male only casts would wear gigantic phallus attached to their waists in satyr-plays.
No matter how obscure the history of strap-on sex, one thing remains clear; strapping on a dildo isn’t anything new. It’s been enjoyed by both female and male lovers alike throughout the ages. From the brothels of Pompeii to the hidden sex chambers of Rome, sexual exploration has historically been embraced and celebrated. Given the popularity of ancient dildos and the acceptance of male anal pleasure, it isn’t a far leap to conclude that strap-ons have played a role in sexual enjoyment throughout all history.