How to Talk to Your Partner About Trying a Strap-On
Knowing how to introduce strap-on sex in a relationship can be a minefield, but it doesn’t need to be. Whether you’re wondering how to ask a partner to try pegging or curious about how strap-ons can fit into a queer relationship, this guide will help you to have an open, honest conversation and explore your desires in a way that deepens intimacy with your partner.
Pick the Right Time to Have the Conversation
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t think that during sex is the right time to bring up something new you’re interested in trying. Depending on the couple, after sex–when you’re warm and cosy in bed together and enjoying all those feel-good endorphins–might be a good time.
If in doubt, though, I recommend raising the subject away from the bedroom and at a time when you’ll have the chance to focus on each other or talk uninterrupted. Over dinner, on your next date night, or when you’re cuddling on the sofa are all good options.
You could raise your desire for strap-on sex on its own, or as part of a wider conversation about new things you’re both interested in trying in bed.
Don’t Go in with an Agenda
If your goal is to get your partner to agree to something, you’re approaching the conversation in the wrong way. Of course you’re raising this desire because you’re hoping your partner will be up for trying something new with you, but trying to convince them or talk them around almost always ends badly. And yes, your partner will probably be able to tell if this is your intention, and nothing is a bigger turn-off than pressure.
Instead, go in with the goal of simply expressing your desires and seeing whether the two of you are on the same page. What follows from there is up to you.
Be Clear About Your Desires
“I’d like to try strap-on sex” is a great conversation opener, but it’s also not very specific. You’ll need to get clear about your desires and communicate them to your partner.
In your fantasy, which of you is wearing the strap-on and which is receiving? What sort of dynamic do you want to explore? Does this desire connect to any other kinks, roleplay scenarios, or power dynamics you’re interested in trying?
Never assume you and your partner are using terms in the same way. Instead, talk about it and be specific. The phrase “what does that mean to you?” is your new best friend.
Think About Why You Want to Do This
What is it about strap-on sex that appeals to you? Are you mostly interested in exploring different physical sensations, or is there also an emotional or psychological component? Does it connect to a particular fantasy, dynamic, archetype, or part of your sexuality you want to explore? If possible, bringing the ‘why’ to the conversation alongside the ‘what’ can build deeper understanding of your desires between you and your partner.
Listen With an Open Heart
Now is the time for you to be quiet and let your partner respond. They might be super enthusiastic, or significantly less so. Whatever their initial response is, try to stay open and hear what they’re telling you. Resist getting defensive. If they have concerns, don’t try to invalidate them or think of them as objections to be overcome.
Repeat or paraphrase things back to your partner to make sure you’ve understood, empathise with their position, and show appreciation to them for engaging with the conversation and being honest with you.
Make Space for Their Desires, Too
If your partner is enthusiastic about trying strap-on sex or at least curious enough to give it a go, make sure they’re an equal party in planning how this will look.
If your partner doesn’t want to try, or is open to the idea but hesitant, ask them about things they’ve been wanting to try in bed. They might have ideas of their own that you’ve never thought of, and you might find areas where your interests intersect that you weren’t previously aware of.
Remember: sex is about both/all parties exploring and having fun together, not about one person serving the desires of another (unless that’s your kink, in which case have at it.) You’re collaborating to build something hot and beautiful together. Make sure their voice and their desires are given equal weight.
Respecting a ‘No’
No-one wants to hear a ‘no’ when they’ve put their desires out on the table, but it is always a possibility. Part of respecting your partner’s agency and consent includes respecting their right to say no.
Thank your partner for being honest with you about their boundaries, and let them know that you respect their choice. Say that if they ever change their mind, you’re open to revisiting the conversation. Don’t blame, shame, or try to wear them down.
If you’re non-monogamous, you might be able to explore strap-on sex with another partner. If you’re monogamous, you might be able to scratch the itch by watching ethical porn, reading erotica, or playing with toys by yourself.
Shop for Toys Together
So you’ve raised the topic of strap-on sex, and you and your partner have agreed you’d like to try it together. Amazing!
Assuming you don’t already have toys suitable for strap-on play, you’ll need to buy a harness, a dildo, and some lube. Shopping for toys together can be a fun and sexy activity, and even form part of the foreplay leading up to trying something new. Visit a sex shop together or spend part of your next date night shopping for toys online.
Talking about sex toys with a partner and choosing toys together can be an intimate activity that builds trust, builds anticipation, and lets you learn more about each other’s erotic selves.
Conversation Starters
Still not sure what to say? Here are five phrases to get you started. Feel free to adapt them for your purposes in whatever way makes sense.
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“I’ve been thinking about something new I’d like to try in bed and I was hoping we could talk about it.”
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“I had a fantasy where I was wearing a harness and fucking you with that dildo you like. Is that something you’d ever be into?”
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“I’m feeling curious about trying strap-on sex lately, as both the giver and receiver. What do you think about that?”
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“Have you ever thought about trying pegging? I’m curious about it and thought it might be fun for us to explore together.”
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“I watched this really hot scene the other day and it made me think of something I’d like to try. Can I show you?”
Deepen Your Explorations
Hi, I’m Amy. I’m a sex and relationships writer and the owner of Coffee & Kink, where I’ve been providing queer-led, pleasure-focused sex education and pleasure product reviews for almost 10 years. I’m delighted to be working with Godemiche to bring you this series of educational content on all things strap-on sex.
You can find the full series here: