Strap-On Sex 101: Everything You Wanted to Know But Were Too Afraid to Ask
Strap-on play is perhaps one of the most misunderstood types of sex, but also one that strikes a chord with people across the gender, sexuality, and experience spectrum. In this 101 guide to strap-on sex for beginners, I will walk you through the basics and answer some of the most common questions people have when they start learning about it.
What is a Strap-On and How Does Strap-On Sex Work?
A strap-on is a sex toy that can be attached to a person’s body and used to penetrate their partner. Usually, a strap-on consists of two parts: a harness and a dildo. The harness sits around the wearer’s waist and hips, and an O-ring holds the toy securely at the front in roughly the position of an erect penis.
Some harnesses consist of a set of straps, while others are more like underwear or a jock strap with a space to insert a dildo. Some have a space to insert a toy, such as a vibrator, to stimulate the wearer.
Most strap-on harnesses allow you to swap out dildos so you can experiment with different types, sizes, and styles. You can buy a harness and dildo together as a set, or choose them separately then mix and match.
There are also strapless strap-ons. Instead of a harness, these have a smaller insertable shaft or bulb that sits inside the wearer’s vagina. The vaginal and pelvic floor muscles keep the toy in place without the need for the external support of wires or
A traditional strap-on can be worn by anyone, while a strapless strap-on can only be worn by a person with a vagina. I don’t usually recommend these toys for beginners, as they require a steeper learning curve to use effectively.
Read more: How to Choose Your First Strap-On: Harnesses, Dildos and Materials Explained
What Does Topping and Bottoming Mean, and Is It the Same as Dominating or Submitting?
In the context of strap-on sex, the person being penetrated is called the receiver or the “bottom.” The person wearing the harness and doing the penetrating is called the giver or the “top.”
Though the terms “top” and “bottom” are also used in kink and BDSM play, when they’re used in the context of penetrative or strap-on sex they don’t necessarily imply a power dynamic. Penetrating your partner isn’t inherently dominant, and being penetrated isn’t inherently submissive. It can be the other way around (for example, I’m primarily submissive but also a strap-on top) or it can be a fun thing to do without any power dynamics attached at all.
You and your partner get to decide what these activities mean to you. The most important thing is to talk about it, make no assumptions, and make sure you’re on the same page.
What’s the Difference Between Strap-On Sex and Pegging?
Strap-on sex is an umbrella term that refers to any kind of sex using a dildo and harness. Strap-on sex can be vaginal, anal, or even oral. Pegging is one of the types of strap-on sex that comes under that umbrella.
Specifically, pegging refers to a person with a vulva (usually a cis woman) penetrating a person with a penis (usually a cis man) anally with a strap-on dildo.
Fun fact: the term “pegging” was coined by writer and activist Dan Savage in 2001 as part of a reader contest in his Savage Love column.
Read more: Pegging and Masculinity: For Men Who Want to Try But Feel Nervous
Who is Strap-On Sex For?
Anyone who wants to do it!
Strap-on sex is most often associated with either pegging in heterosexual couples, or vaginal sex between lesbian or WLW (women loving women) couples. However, this is really the tip of the iceberg.
One of the most common myths about strap-on sex is that only a person with a vulva can wear a strap-on. Many harnesses can also be worn by someone with a penis.
Why Do People Like Strap-On Sex?
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this. People are attracted to the idea and reality of strap-on sex for all kinds of reasons, including but not limited to:
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Wanting to penetrate a partner or be penetrated, but not having a penis.
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Wanting to give or receive penetration with a toy of a different size, shape, texture, or look than your/your partner’s penis.
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Overcoming or bypassing erectile challenges or other physical limitations.
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Gender affirmation: some trans and gender non-conforming people find wearing and using a strap-on can be gender-affirming.
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Trying something new with a partner.
Strap-on sex can be gentle or intense, vanilla or kinky, straight or queer. It can be a way to break out of a sexual rut, overcome a physical limitation, experiment with a different dynamic, or explore closeness and intimacy in a whole new way.
The more interesting questions are: what appeals to you about strap-on sex? How would your ideal strap-on sex session look?
Strap-On Sex Beyond Penetration
Penetrative sex is the most common and most obvious use for a strap-on, but there are all kinds of ways to play that don’t involve penetration at all.
Some people enjoy using strap-ons for external stimulation such as grinding and humping. Some enjoy using them for teasing and building anticipation, for example by touching other parts of the body or just playing around the vaginal or anal opening. One popular activity is to give a blow-job to a partner’s strap-on, which can be a fun way to play with concepts such as power and gender in unexpected ways.
Some people even enjoy just wearing a strap-on for the way it looks while doing other sexual activities, without necessarily incorporating the dildo directly at all.
The biggest takeaway here? There is no right or wrong way to have strap-on sex. The only right way to do it is the way that works for you and your partner. So get creative, go wild, and have fun.
Read more: How to Talk to Your Partner About Trying a Strap-On
Learn More About Strap-On Sex
If we haven’t met before, hi! I’m Amy and I’m a sex and relationships writer and the owner of Coffee & Kink, where I’ve been providing queer-led, pleasure-focused sex education and pleasure product reviews for almost 10 years. I’m delighted to be working with Godemiche to bring you this series of educational content on all things strap-on sex.
You can find the full series here: