Strap On ·

5 of the Biggest Strap-On Sex Myths and Why You Should Stop Believing Them

The idea of strap-on sex appeals to a lot of people, but it’s also a type of sex that comes with a lot of baggage attached. Many people ignore or eschew strap-on sex because of the beliefs they have about what it means about them, their body, their sexuality, or their relationship. 

But none of the myths and misconceptions that surround strap-on sex are based on objective reality. So whether you’re wondering if being curious about pegging means you’re not actually straight, or curious about the learning curve involved in having strap-on sex, let’s bust some myths! 

Strap-On Sex is Just Something Lesbians Do 

Strap-on sex is often associated with lesbians and queer women, and appears a lot in lesbian porn. While there’s a grain of truth to this, in that a lot of queer women really do enjoy strapping it on, thinking of strap-on sex as a “lesbian thing” is also a reductive view of an incredibly varied and versatile type of sex. 

In fact, people of all genders and sexualities can (and do!) enjoy strap-on sex. Whether you’re straight or queer, cis or trans, vanilla or kinky, or somewhere else on any of these huge spectrums, you can have strap-on sex if you want to. Strap-on sex can be vaginal, anal, oral, or even non-penetrative. 

And yes, you can wear the strap-on even if you have a penis! 

Read more: The Anatomy of Pleasure: Why Strap-On Sex Feels So Good

Wanting to Receive Penetration as a Man Means You’re Gay 

This is perhaps the most enduring of all strap-on sex and pegging myths. Many heterosexual, cisgender men enjoy the idea of being fucked anally with a strap-on, and a lot of these men will wonder if this desire means they’re not actually straight. 

(By the way: “cisgender” is the opposite of transgender and just means you identify with the sex you were assigned at birth. So if you were born with a penis and your gender identity is male, you’re a cisgender man.) 

Your sexual orientation isn’t defined by the sex acts you want to do. It’s defined by who you want to do them with. 

Read that once more: your sexual orientation isn’t defined by the sex acts you want to do. 

If you’re interested in having sex with other men, you may be gay, bisexual, or elsewhere on the queer spectrum (and if so, welcome! We have great parties!) If, on the other hand, all the sex you want to have is with women? You’re probably straight. And if your desires include anal penetration? That has no bearing on your sexuality whatsoever. Strap-on sex, including pegging, is for straight couples, queer couples, and everyone in between.

Everyone has a butt, and playing with it can feel good regardless of your gender, assigned sex, or orientation. Most cisgender men and other people who were assigned male at birth (AMAB) have a prostate, which is sometimes colloquially referred to as the “male G-spot” because having it stimulated can feel incredible. Queer men don’t have fundamentally different bodies to straight men. If you have a prostate, you might enjoy having it stimulated. 

Read more: Pegging and Masculinity: For Men Who Want to Try But Feel Nervous

The Person Strapping It On is Always Dominant 

Not at all! 

Topping for penetrative sex (that is, being the person doing the penetrating, whether with a biological penis or a strap-on) is often viewed as an inherently dominant role. But this need not be the case. 

Sex acts don’t have power dynamics attached to them automatically, and these assumptions are drawn from social norms and cultural context. In heterosexual intercourse, people often assume that the man is automatically in the dominant position because he’s doing the penetrating. However, as any Femdom who enjoys getting fucked will tell you, it’s totally possible to penetrate someone in a submissive way. It’s also possible, of course, to have this kind of sex without attaching any kind of power dynamic to it at all. 

The only power imbalances that exist in strap-on sex are the ones you and your partner agree to play with. 

Strap-On Sex is Difficult 

It absolutely doesn’t have to be. 

Like any type of sex, strap-on sex can come with a bit of a learning curve if you’ve never done it before. That’s one of the reasons I’m working with Godemiche to create this series of guides to help you explore from a more informed place. But fundamentally, it’s no more difficult than any other type of sex. 

The key is simply to communicate with your partner and listen to each other at every stage of your explorations. Try not to go in with a goal-oriented mindset, and just see what feels good. As long as you’re both having fun, you’re doing it right. 

By the way: if you’re the giver, strap-on sex can be a bit of a workout. Don’t worry, though; most people don’t need you to relentlessly pound them as hard as possible to be satisfied. Don’t be afraid to experiment with positions and angles to find what’s most comfortable and sustainable for you. You can also use pillows, cushions, or positioning aids to help.  

Another pro tip: if you’re a beginner, choose a simple but secure harness (I personally love the Spareparts Joque, but there are loads of great options on the market) and avoid strapless strap-ons until you have a bit more experience, as these can be more difficult to use. 

Read more: Your First Time Using a Strap-On: A Step By Step Guide 

Strap-On Sex Doesn’t Provide Any Pleasure for the Giver

As a strap-on top, this is perhaps my favourite myth to bust. 

It’s true that, for the giver, strap-on sex offers less immediate and obvious pleasure than penetrative sex with a penis. After all, a strap-on dildo doesn’t have nerve endings (yet. Can some kinky scientists get on this, please!?) 

However, this absolutely doesn’t mean strap-on sex isn’t pleasurable for the giver. 

Many strap-on tops enjoy the vicarious experience that comes with pleasuring their partner. Some feel that a strap-on becomes almost an extension of their physical body, allowing them to experience intense psychological pleasure and satisfaction even with minimal physical stimulation.  

Since a strap-on dildo typically sits over or close to the genitals, it’s totally possible to experience indirect physical pleasure through the pressure provided by a toy or by your partner’s body as you thrust. Some harnesses even have a pocket or pouch where you can insert a small toy, such as a vibrator or grinder, to stimulate the giver during strap-on sex. 

Ready to Explore? 

Hi, I’m Amy. I’m a sex and relationships writer and the owner of Coffee & Kink, where I’ve been providing queer-led, pleasure-focused sex education and pleasure product reviews for almost 10 years. I’m delighted to be working with Godemiche to bring you this series of educational content on all things strap-on sex. 

You can find the full series here: 

This series is designed to offer a comprehensive guide to strap-on sex wherever you are in your journey. Take your time to read around and, if you’re ready to explore, check out Godemiche’s range of strap-on friendly dildos. 

 

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