Strap On ·

Your First Time Using a Strap-On: A Step-by-Step Guide

You’ve planned a sexy night in with your partner, chosen your gear, and you’re ready to get started with strap-on sex. Even if you feel well-prepared, actually trying out a new kind of sex for the first time can still be daunting. 

Remember, there’s no right or wrong way for this to go. As long as you and your partner are having fun and observing some basic safety protocols, you’re doing it right.

Here’s a guide to help you through every step of your first time. 

Check In Beforehand

Even if you and your partner have discussed your desires and negotiated thoroughly, it’s still a good idea to do a quick check-in before you start. 

How are you both feeling? Excited, nervous, a bit of both? Any particular worries or concerns you need to address? Are you both still enthusiastically up for this? Have you established a safeword or signal to use if something doesn’t feel right? 

Make sure the space is comfortable. Soft lighting, a warm-but-not-hot room, and some gentle music if you like are all good ways to set the mood. Make sure you’re both well-rested, hydrated, fed, and feeling good in your bodies. 

Incorporate Plenty of Warm-Up and Foreplay

Don’t try to go straight to penetration. Instead, take things slowly to get you both aroused, comfortable, and ready to go. Incorporate plenty of cuddling, kissing, and touching other partners of each other’s bodies before you get your genitals involved. 

You can also warm up the receptive partner for penetration using your fingers or a smaller dildo than the one you’ll be using with your strap-on. This is particularly important for anal strap-on sex and pegging, but can also be a good idea for vaginal penetration. 

Some people like to have an orgasm (through hand sex, oral sex, using toys, or even masturbation) before penetration. You can decide if this is right for you or not.  

Start with a Small Toy

Most strap-on harnesses allow you to swap and change dildos. Unless the receptive partner has a lot of experience with large toys and knows they enjoy them, start with a small dildo. It’s always better to start small and move on to bigger toys rather than start too big and have a painful or uncomfortable experience. 

I love the Godemiche Peg for anal strap-on sex, and the Ambit for vaginal play. 

Keep Things Wet with Plenty of Lube 

Topping up your lube regularly should be a normal part of sex. Always add a little more lube than you think you’ll need, and keep the bottle to hand so you can add more as needed.

Lube not only makes sex more pleasurable, it also keeps things safe by reducing friction and lowering the risk of tearing the delicate vaginal or anal tissue. 

This is particularly important if you’re using water-based lube, which is both the most body-friendly option and the best for pairing with silicone toys. It tends to dry up after a while, so reapply it generously and often. 

Use Your Hands if You Need To

Positioning is important for any kind of penetrative sex. Getting it wrong can make penetration difficult or uncomfortable. Don’t be afraid to use your hands to guide the dildo into the right position, hold it in place, and reposition if necessary. 

Talk to Each Other Throughout 

Even the most attuned partners aren’t mind-readers. This means you will need to use your words to communicate with your partner. 

Ask them how things feel, check for consent before trying something new, and speak up about your wants and needs. As you get more experienced in strap-on sex, you’ll probably find less verbal communication is required. But the first few times, it is absolutely essential. 

It’s also really important to be honest with each other. If something isn’t working for you and you want to change things up, pause, or even stop, you must say so. Even if it’s hard in the moment, failing to speak up can cause much bigger problems later on. 

Try Different Positions

There are so many different ways to have strap-on sex. Missionary position is a good starting point for many couples, but a few others you might want to try include: 

  • The receiving partner lying on their back on the bed while the giving partner stands between their legs 

  • The receiving partner on top, either facing your partner or facing away from them 

  • The receiving partner on their back with the giving partner kneeling

  • Face-to-face with both of you lying down 

  • Spooning with the giving partner in the “big spoon” position 

  • Doggy style

You can also use furniture, sex positioning aids, sex swings, or whatever else you have to hand. Most importantly, get creative, follow your pleasure, and don’t be afraid to experiment to see what works for you.

Experiment with Speed and Depth

Some people enjoy hard and fast fucking, while others enjoy a slow and rhythmical rocking or grinding movement. Many people are in the mood for different things depending on the day, the dynamic, and how their body feels.

Try out different speeds and depths of penetration to see what feels good for both of you. Remember, there’s nothing “better” about going harder or deeper. The only measure of success is what you both enjoy. 

Avoid Being Goal-Oriented 

Try not to go into your first strap-on sex session with specific goals (such as full penetration, using a particular toy, or reaching orgasm.) Chasing a particular outcome can lead to stress and feelings of pressure, which are not conducive to having a good time! Instead, keep an open mind and allow things to flow naturally. 

Debrief and Check In After

Afterwards, spend some time cuddling and reconnecting in whatever ways work for you. Check in to see how you’re both feeling and reaffirm your love and affection for each other. 

Later, talk about what worked well and what you might like to try next time, if you decide you want to do this again. 

Continue Your Strap-On Sex Journey

Hi, I’m Amy. I’m a sex and relationships writer and the owner of Coffee & Kink, where I’ve been providing queer-led, pleasure-focused sex education and pleasure product reviews for almost 10 years. I’m delighted to be working with Godemiche to bring you this series of educational content on all things strap-on sex. 

You can find the full series here: 

 

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