Pegging · Strap On ·

Pegging & Masculinity: For Men Who Want to Try But Feel Nervous

“Pegging,” a slang term coined by writer and educator Dan Savage way back in 2001, broadly refers to anal sex with a strap-on. In practice, it is usually assumed to mean a cisgender woman penetrating a cisgender man anally with a strap-on. 

(“Cisgender,” or “cis,” is the opposite of transgender and just means you identify with the sex you were assigned at birth. So if you were born with a vulva and your gender identity is female, you’re a cisgender woman.) 

This activity has apparently been gaining popularity in recent years. This may be because more people are actually interested in it, but it might also simply be because more men are willing to talk about it. 

Unfortunately, pegging still has some stigma attached to it. Some straight men (and sometimes their partners) worry that enjoying anal penetration means they’re not actually straight. Others fear that wanting to be penetrated undermines their masculinity in some way. 

Let’s take a closer look at this stigma and examine (and deconstruct) the beliefs attached to it. 

No, Pegging Has Nothing to do with Sexual Orientation 

Let’s get one thing out of the way: does liking anal play or pegging mean you’re gay?

No, it does not. 

Your sexual orientation has to do with who you’re sexually attracted to. It has absolutely nothing to do with the kinds of activities you want to do with those people. 

And just to bust another myth while we’re at it: trying pegging (or any other activity) cannot and will not “make” you gay. Sexual orientation is a largely innate characteristic and shaped by a complex mix of factors we still don’t comprehensively understand. It’s safe to say that a single sex act isn’t going to change it. If you like women now, you’ll still like women after being pegged. Promise! 

Penetration =/= Passivity 

By the way: being penetrated is not inherently passive or submissive, either. 

If you enjoy being submissive during sex, being penetrated can be one part of that. But it can also be a dominant or a neutral act. Sexual activities only have the power we attribute to them, and you and your partner(s) get to decide what that means to you. 

Regardless of whether you play with dominance and submission or not, many people find receiving anal sex and pegging to be a place of power. Far from being passive, you’re taking ownership of your pleasure, asking for what you want, and saying a big “fuck you” to the arbitrary societal rules that say you can’t. 

Expanding What Masculinity Means to You 

Masculinity is a social construct. 

Gender and sexuality are far more complicated than most of us have been led to believe, and the narrow rules most of us were raised with don’t even come close to doing it justice. The things we’ve been told are masculine or feminine are, at their core, made up. 

And that means we can choose what masculinity, femininity, or anything in between means to us. 

There’s been a push, in recent years, to expand traditional notions of masculinity and what it means to be a man. We’re not there yet, but things are improving and redefining masculinity is good for everyone: men, women, and those outside the gender binary. 

Some of these changes, like encouraging greater emotional openness, are vital for men’s mental health. Others, like increasing permissiveness around exploring sexuality (including exploring activities like anal penetration), allow men to take on a wider variety of sexual roles and experience different forms of pleasure without shame.

If you’re curious about pegging and decide you want to explore, that means you’re willing to step outside of narrow societal boxes to further your pleasure and deepen your connection with both your partner and your own body. And I think that’s manly as hell. 

Dismantling Society’s Misogyny and Homophobia 

Society’s hang-ups around men being penetrated comes from two core belief systems: homophobia and misogyny. 

Of course, the panic around whether enjoying anal penetration means a man is gay (or might somehow “become” gay) is predicated on the assumption that there would be something wrong with it if he was. AKA: homophobia. 

A person who is truly secure in their sexuality doesn’t need to worry about whether they’re gay, because they know being gay isn’t a problem and is simply a different and equally wonderful way of being a human. 

The misogyny piece of this narrative goes something like this:

  1. Being penetrated is what women do 

  2. Being female or perceived as feminine is lesser 

  3. Therefore, being penetrated makes you lesser 

Needless to say, this is nonsense of the highest order. Firstly, anyone can be penetrated and gain pleasure from it if they want to. Secondly, being female is no weaker, lesser, or otherwise “worse” than being male. Once you stop believing that bottoming = feminine and feminine = bad, you’re most of the way to rejecting the stigma around receiving anal sex. 

If you’ve internalised any of these beliefs, it doesn’t mean you’re inherently sexist or homophobic! Societal messaging is powerful, and all of us internalise it to some extent. What matters is recognising it and actively working against it. The good news is that you get to choose your own beliefs, including rejecting the norms you’re surrounded by.

Continue Your Strap-On Explorations 

Hi, I’m Amy. I’m a sex and relationships writer and the owner of Coffee & Kink, where I’ve been providing queer-led, pleasure-focused sex education and pleasure product reviews for almost 10 years. I’m delighted to be working with Godemiche to bring you this series of educational content on all things strap-on sex. 

You can find the full series here: 

 

Back to Advice